I want to tell my best friend, but...

Looking at all these posts here by such brave people who came out to their friends and family at such an early age has made me feel kind of.. depressed. I mean, I'm thrilled people are able to do it (and I'm cheering for them!), but I'm sad because I was not able to. I'm in my late 20s and still very much closeted. Well, I've come out to one of my best friends, but only because he was also gay. So, of course, he was very supportive and understanding.

Anyways, the reason why I am posting this thread is because I would like to come out to my other best friend. I've known him since the fourth grade. It's been kind of complicated with him, though. We were close friends throughout middle and high school, and at the time, I didn't really know I was gay. I knew something was different as I wasn't interested in girls, but I still tried to have a girlfriend to fit in a bit better (and so people would quit asking me who I liked and why I wasn't dating anyone yet). Obviously, these relationships ended pretty quickly, and I realized I was gay. I still didn't really come to terms with it until a few years later (like admitting it to myself). But I did know I liked this particular friend quite a bit... I would choose what classes I wanted to take based on if he was in there or not (I know, that sounds really pathetic lol), but luckily, we had a lot of the same interests, so things worked out great. We played a lot of games together, hung out almost every weekend, and eventually, when we went to college, we moved in together at an apartment very close to the campus and shared a room. At first, I loved this! Being around him all the time was fantastic and we had a lot of fun - playing games, drinking, going to movies/hanging out, etc. But about halfway through the first year, I started to get depressed. You see, it was around this time that I had come to fully accept that I was gay. But then I started to feel miserable being around someone I loved who would never love me back in the same way (he's straight). Sharing a room, seeing him walk around in just his boxers sometimes, being around him all the time... it was starting to get to me. I started to make excuses of why I needed to get out of the apartment at night (I lied and said I was taking a class at night) just so I could get away from him. I'd drive around the town or just sit in a parking lot somewhere and cry.

Unfortunately, I was taking my frustrations out on him sometimes. He would poke fun at me or joke around, and I wasn't in the mood, so I'd snap back at him about something. I felt terrible and started to drink sometimes just to dull the pain. This carried on for another 6 months or so, and our lease was running out. By that point, I was really just desperate to move out and away from him. I still loved him as a friend, but it was just too painful being around him all the time. During this time, my dad had left my mom for another woman, so I used this as an excuse that I should move back home while I finish college to help my mom out. He understood and also moved back home while finishing up college. I felt a sigh of relief once I moved home, but of course, we kept hanging out some (being as we were best friends).

Fast forward about a year - we both had moved away from home again (but not in the same apartment). I was visiting his new place and spent the night. We had fun and played some games. As I was leaving the next day, I told him I'd talk to him when he got back from his trip with his family (they were going on vacation together). But the thing is... I had already decided I needed to distance myself from him. Even though we didn't live together anymore, it was still too painful to be around him for large periods of time. So by the time he got back, I stopped replying to his texts, ignored his phone calls, stopped getting on MSN/Skype, and just tried to forget about him. Yes, I was a huge dick. I know this, and I felt terrible, but I thought it was something I needed to do. I felt like a shitty friend, and I was. About 6 months later (yes, still ignoring/avoiding him), it was his birthday, and I caved... I sent him a text saying Happy Birthday. He sent a message back saying thanks and asked why I was avoiding him. Again, I didn't reply back and just shut off my phone and cried. Yup, I was such a jerk... :/ During the next 6 months, I became extremely depressed. I was missing my best friend, pissed that I was still in love with him, and annoyed that being away from him wasn't even helping... it was just hurting both myself and him. I would lie awake at night just crying, staring up at the ceiling... I considered suicide a couple times. Just in passing thoughts - nothing serious thankfully.

Anyways, after those 6 months (so a year since I started to avoid him), he reached out to my brother asking what was going on. My brother forwarded me the email, and at first, I was pissed that he would involve my brother. I didn't want him or anyone else in my family involved. After thinking on it for a day or so, I ended up emailing my brother back and saying thanks. I made up some silly excuse like "my emails must have been acting up - he didn't get my responses or something." At this point, I was scared because I didn't know what to do next. I finally decided to come out to my other best friend (who was gay like I mentioned above)... I don't know why I waited so long to come out to him - it was just a hard thing to do. I asked for his advice, and he said I should talk with him more. I asked my (gay) friend if I should tell my other friend how I felt and what I was going through. He said it might not be wise to start off after a year of silence with something like that, and I agreed. So I contacted my friend and told him I was sorry I was such a shitty friend and was going through some personal stuff. He seemed to understand (although not really). I wasn't sure how it was going to play out (if I would go back into hiding or not), but it was nice seeing my best friend again.. even if it was still a little painful.

We eventually got back to our old selves. Hung out a lot, played games, chatted daily. It's been a few years since that happened, and we're still great friends, but recently... I've been considering finally coming out to him (which is what this post was originally going to be about... I got way off track, but I thought maybe it might help to have the backstory on our relationship). I wouldn't tell him about my feelings for him because... well, for obvious reasons. But part of me is still very resistant to the idea of coming out to him. I know he would have no problems - he seems very supportive of gay people which is great considering the area we live in (it's a very rural/bible belt type of area). I know he loves me - just the other day, he sent me a random text "I love you, man." (which was honestly painful to read in a way lol) And I'm like 99% sure he would react very postively about it. But... that 1%... it is very scary. I don't want our relationship/friendship to change. I cannot lose him as a friend, and I'm so afraid he would change around me or things would become awkward. Or he would suspect I had a crush on him and start hanging out with me less. He's a really great person, but... you never really know how someone will react. There's also a small fear that he would let it slip to someone else, and I'm not comfortable with others knowing yet. Especially my parents (who are deeply religious/conservative)... When I visit them, I sometimes have to sit there and listen to them blast "the gays" and blaming us for everything wrong with the world. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure my friend wouldn't tell a soul, but... yeah. Maybe he already suspects and is just waiting for me to come out? I mean, As far as he knows, I haven't "dated" anyone since high school (I dated a few guys the past few years, but nothing ever lasts - likely because I'm still hung up on my best friend, bleh).

This post is way longer than I meant it to be.. sorry about that. Anyways, does anyone have any advice?

 

Thanks! I'll probably end up telling him soon. I'm going to be so nervous about it... I don't even really know how to bring it up into the conversation... Maybe I should just wait until we are watching Game of Thrones and blurt out "damn, he's hot." Nah, probably not that way, lol.

 

Sorry for the double post, but I just thought of something. He's a smart guy... what if he pieces together that I might have feelings for him? I mean, it would probably finally explain why I avoided him for a year since I don't think he really fully understood why I did that. And if he does suspect it, what if he flat out asks me? What should I say? Should I tell him the truth? Should I tell a half-truth ("I used to have feelings for you") or flat out lie ("no, I don't have feelings for you")? How should I phrase it so 1) it didn't make him feel uncomfortable and 2) I don't offend him.

I'm just so afraid of potentially losing him as my best friend... I don't want him to feel awkward around me.

Thanks for any help/advice!

 

Thank you so much for your post, jnr183. Knowing there is someone else out there going through something similar makes me not feel quite so alone.

Like you, I'm afraid my best friend will piece it together that I either HAD a crush on him or still have feelings for him now... I mean, he will probably assume that is the reason why I avoided him for a year. I still regret doing that... For one thing, it was a shitty way to treat a friend. And because it didn't help at all. It just made me miserable because I missed him, and it probably drove me to be even more depressed about the situation. And now, I'm pretty sure he will figure out that I had feelings for him. That scares me so much. I know he would not feel the same way about me, and the last thing I would want is for him to feel awkward around me. His friendship is so important to me.. without him, I honestly don't know what I'd do.

And also like you, I would be shocked if he wasn't supportive of me... He's a really sweet guy and he has no problem with gay people. I think his initial reaction would just be "Oh, that's cool. I had a feeling you were gay already." I am pretty sure he has had a suspicion based on what one of our mutual friends told me. A few years ago, she asked me one day if I was gay, and at the time, I was not ready to come out, so I said "no". I asked why she asked, and she said she just had a conversation with my best friend and the subject came up. But I'm afraid that after the initial reaction and him putting the pieces together that I had (at least at some point) feelings for him, then things would get awkward around us.. he'd quit wanting to hang out (or hang out less) or just ignore me. I know that fear is probably unfounded considering what all I have said in this thread, but... It's still that 1% chance that makes me scared.

Thanks again for your kind words - I'm going to go back and read some of your posts and they may help me find more confidence. I wish you the absolute best of luck with your friends! If you end up coming out to your best friends, will you please either post a thread or reply on here? I'd love to know what happened, and how you came out. I'm struggling to find the words or how to bring it up into conversation.

 

I know it's irrational and not fair considering how I tried cutting him off for a year, but if he said he needed time to wrap his head around it, I would honestly be crushed. I know that isn't fair since I have had years to come to terms with being gay, and I'm throwing this on him so suddenly, but... I dunno... I'd be crushed and probably break down in tears and leave immediately (maybe not in that order). Sigh.

Thanks for the advice. I wasn't sure if I should lie or tell him a half-truth ("I used to have feelings for you") or the full truth. Hopefully... he won't ask because I'm afraid that would be so awkward for our relationship if he knew how I felt about him.

That's great to hear how your best friends reacted. I hope mine will react the same way - at least the first one. I love your response to your second friend, though. haha xD

Thanks for the support! I do think it will feel better once it's out in the open (assuming he's supportive, of course). I'm so tired of acting like someone I'm not around my friends and family. He's honestly the best friend someone could have, and deep down, I know he will understand and be supportive. Doesn't mean I don't have some fears that he would reject me (no matter how small of a chance that would be). D:

Does anyone have any advice for how I would even broach the subject? I don't know how to put the words together... I mean, just coming out randomly and saying "Hey... btw... I'm gay." I dunno, lol. We have talked about gay marriage/other social issues before, but it isn't a topic that comes up that much. I suppose I could bring it up again, but I don't know if I would rather just blurt it out and not try to go slowly (as I may lose my nerve if I go too slowly).

 

I think this is probably the most annoying thing about the whole process. You build up these scenarios in your head that everything is going to go wrong (your friend will hate you, not support you, go around telling everyone, etc) when in reality, that probably won't happen. I'm pretty sure it won't in my case. Doesn't make it any easier to get it out, though.

Thanks a lot for your advice!

That's another thing I'm slightly concerned about... Like, he won't care and it doesn't change anything, BUT he feels hurt that it took me so long to come out to him. I've known this guy since we were really young.. so like 20 years of friendship. And I'm afraid he might feel hurt that I either didn't trust him enough or thought I could tell him. I will definitely do my best to try to make him understand if he does act kind of hurt about me not telling him sooner. As I said in an earlier post, I'm pretty sure he knows already or at least has suspicions. I'm pretty "straight-acting" most of the time, but there's a few things I have done (or things that I enjoy) that probably have made him question it at some point, lol.

Anyways, I do plan on telling him soon. Maybe the next time I see him. I'd rather do it in person than over text/email (even though I think that would be easier for me), so yeah.. we'll see. I'll be sure to either bump this post or make a new thread when I finally do it. Thanks again for the support/advice!

 

Thank you so much for your post, Robin j. It was such a sweet, but sad story... I'm glad things eventually worked out for you (like you getting over him and being his friend again), and I know exactly what you were going through. Are you guys still friends? I hope so! And I'm glad he was so understanding.

Thanks for this as well. I really do think coming out to him will (oddly enough) help me get over him. Maybe once he knows I am gay, I will no longer see him as someone I love (in a romantic way, I mean - I will always love him as a friend). And hopefully I will see him more as a brother/best friend.

Honestly, it's been hard at times to have such a long friendship... people move away, get busy, and it's easy to get distant and lost contact with them for long periods of time. Besides that one year I avoided him (which I still regret to this day, ugh), he's always been there for me and I hope he's my friend for another 20 years.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words! (*hug*)

I'm gonna probably be doing it soon.. maybe this coming week. We might watch Game of Thrones together at his place. And I'll tell him after probably. I have a decent amount of confidence right now, but I'm afraid when I see him face to face, I'll lose it. I just need to be strong.