This is a confusing thing to realize. This is an issue that I have been thinking about for a long time. A year ago, I knew certainly that I wasn't straight, but I didn't feel this need to identify myself, I was alright just to see what happens. I was also in grad school. As far as I was concerned, I'm just as fluid as anyone else is, even if a lot of people don't acknowledge it. And I thought to myself, why should I have to come out as "ambiguous"? That just doesn't make sense, especially when I'm reading a ton of theory and really believe that most people have potentially fluid sexualities, but identify as straight because they haven't considered the alternatives. The apparently straight is a lot more queer than regularly acknowledged. Then what I am feeling does not reflect an actual difference about me. And if I am not different from anyone else, I am not in a closet, or, it had not occurred to me that I might be. But this is different now, as I think about it more. On one hand, the fact that I could read all this queer theory and this kind of undefined, fluid, situational sexuality made so much more sense, and seemed so natural, that I could conclude that everyone must be like this, tells be that the straight mind is entirely incomprehensible to me. It's unimaginable. I still find it hard to believe that there are people who are 100% straight. That must make me pretty damn queer, right? So this is it. I'm gray-a, and I've had an idea of that for the longest time out of any of this, (when I was 15), and ultimately, I have no desire whatsoever to be with a man, dating or sexually, anything more than a close friend. But on those days when I do have a sexual attraction and desire, I want to be with a woman. I like dancing with women, I like sleeping with women, I like flirting with women, and I like the idea of dating a woman. So pretty much, if I look at it objectively, I'm gay and I know it, but I'm not ready to jump in and say it in this essential, permanent way. I don't know what my situation will be like in six months or how I'll feel then. But with this given, now I'm starting to feel like I'm no longer out by default for just living my life the way I see fit. I've reasoned my way into a closet, and I don't like it, and I don't know how to subtly make it a part of the conversation when I don't even have a definitive way of describing myself, more than the defiantly open-ended "queer". I could tell my friends at work that I'm not into boys, but I'm not crazy about what happens in the mean time, waiting for the right moment. Phew. I don't know why this is so taxing. Does this make any sense at all? Has anyone else had that moment when you realize that you're in the closet? Did it bring you anxiety?
