Why is it so difficult for parents?

Hi, I am a mum who found out that my son was gay last year. It rocked my world, I can't even say why exactly but I will try to explain.

As a parent you have an image of who and what your child is and the path he/she will take through their lives (roughly the same as we have already travelled) all of a sudden your child tells you that they have taken another path, a path that you don't know. At first, since you know nothing about this you say, is this my fault, did I cause this, what did I do wrong, will my child be happy, will he find love or fall into the more seedier promiscuous side of homosexuality that is portrayed by the press. How will I protect my child from prejudice, and all of a sudden you feel helpless to help your child, to guide him through life because you haven't been there, you haven't experienced the pit falls that he will come across, you haven't had to go through the soul searching, denial and in the end acceptance that your child who has grown up before your eyes has been going through without you even noticing... what kind of a parent are you?????!!!!!

Untill you get some answers to some or all of these questions you feel helpless, lost, unable to meet the needs of your child. These are not things that your friends and siblings have to take into consideration but a parent cannot avoid them. The parent bought this child into the world and has a certain responsability to him for the rest of his life. In accepting that a child is gay a parent has to let go of them a bit, they are not longer the little boy/girl they thought you were, you are a person in your own right with your own live to lead and your parents might not be at that stage yet and all of a sudden, like it or not they have to face up to this.

I'm sorry if this seems a bit muddled and not very clear, I am trying to explain a bit what I went through, not in accepting my son's homosexuality but the whole situation of seeing my child as a man, letting go, accepting that he had no choice in the matter, that this is HIS life and that I won't be able to help him as much as I would have liked to. All this is forced on you in one go when your child proclaims his homosexuality. It is a strange, scary world that most parents have never really given much thought to and are completely ignorant about. We are stuck on the stereotypes and images we see on the television and this is very scary for a parent as we mostly only see negative images of homosexuality.

So yeah, in a nut shell, that is about it. Is there a specific reason behind this question. If you would like to talk more feel free to PM me.

 

Are your parents religious? That plays a huge part in whether they find acceptance right away or not. Also, if they have grew up and been taught homophobic ideas about gay people. My Dad rarely attends church except on Christmas. When his mother was alive, he would go on Mother's Day to make her happy. However, he brought up the Bible and how the Bible says this and that just to support his own homophobic beliefs. He pulled from what he knew. I found it very hypocritical and I was mad as hell. He still gives ME a bad time because I don't go to church like I somehow need it more than him. Its very irritating.

You really need to educate your parents. You have been through this journey already and found acceptance within yourself. Now you need to help your parents do the same. Recommend some books to them. One really good one is "Now that you Know". The PFLAG publications are awesome. You may or may not have a PFLAG chapter near you but you can always use the resources.

I watched a good DVD last night called Anyone and Everyone. Its only $13.95! http://www.anyoneandeveryone.com/ One of my PFLAG friends and his wife are on it. There are alot of resources to pull from to help with your parents.

I'm even willing to talk to them by e-mail if they will do that. Just PM me and I'll give you my e-mail and that goes to anybody on here. The biggest key to getting parental acceptance is through education. You are the one to do it!

 

Not everyone reacts the same. As there are differences in people there are differences in how the take things. As for your parents you are (to them) part of their flesh and blood so you can get may difference views.

 

I would assume most parents become consumed with the fact that their child has been enduring, and will continue to endure, a whole range of emotional issues that they weren't able to really help them with. Also, parents always want to protect and defend their child from discrimination and attack from other people, and when something like their child being gay comes into the picture they're kind of caught off guard.

Another thing is your parents just want to see you happy. In the media, gay men in particular are portrayed as extremely sexually active people who can never seem to find love or happiness. They just don't want that for you, and the only way they are going to learn that you can be different than that is by showing them.

 

i dont know. i think, or hope for a lot its to do with worry about what they will have to overcome and how much abuse they will get, how much harder a life it can be to lead etc. some may just need time to adjust if they hadnt guessed..i guess maybe it can take time to adjust if you dont see it coming. and then maybe there are some who are sad if they want grandkids and stuff and maybe some just hate the idea of their kid been gay.

i think my mum would be ok with it.. i think my dad would take it less well initially but im sure eventually he'd accept too. but i have no desire to tell either of them.

 

Two main reasons, I think.

1. They've raised you from the get-go. As such, even if they've fought against it, they've visualized a future for you. They may not get into detail too much, but quite often, that visualization includes a nice wedding, a loving husband, and grandchildren. Coming out to them immediate conflicts with that. Yes, you can still have a nice wedding, and grandchildren, but parents have a tough time altering the image they've had for over a decade.

2. They're older. They're from my generation. The idea that someone in high school (say) would simply admit they were gay was nearly unheard of back in my day. And even if someone did, everyone would give them wide berth. Once you get a picture of "that's how life is", it's hard to update things. Parents tend not to realize that coming out now isn't like coming out in the 1980s. No, it's not instantly sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But life as an out gay teen isn't necessarily going to be horrible.

Lex

 

Parents have certain dreams for you from the first moment they hold you in their arms. They dream of what you'll become, what you're future husband (in our case) will be like, their future grandkids, etc.

When their child comes out it all comes crashing down, all their dreams, expectations they had built up over the years.

On top of that, they are terrified of all the additional problems you may have, all the hardships that are put upon you. They don't want to see you go through anymore pain then you have to.

On top of all that which they probably had invading their thoughts about a millisecond after they hear you say those 3 words, they also may start to feel guilty like it might be their fault, that it was something they did wrong that caused you to be gay.

BUT; more times than not they will start to come around and after all their shock and guilt and sadness goes away, (how long it takes depends on the parents and varies) but when it's all said and done they will gradually accept it and above all they will continue to love you regardless of your preferences.

I hope this helps.

Sam

 

This is one of the topics that we discussed at the PFLAG meeting the other night. The main reason is that when a child is born the parent envisions a path for their child (just like everyone has said). When they are told their son or daughter is gay their vision is shot. Another reason one of the mothers said is that she always wanted a son and there is a thought that he would carry the family name. Now that is gone. I hope this helps.

 

:tears::tears::tears::tears::tears:


(*hug*) love ya louise!

 

I think it's harder for parents to accept because of what they're used to. After all, you wouldn't be here were it not for heterosexuality, right? I think it's just...against the norm, and that's why they want to just push it all away and have you be normal.

And want my frank opinion based on my family's reaction (supposing, of course, that I tell them?) The lack of grandkids. Seriously. My mom doesn't want me to be gay because she wants me to have children that are of her blood (key difference between that and adoption) and that she can dote upon. I hate to disappoint her, but even if I was straight I would never want to have a baby.

But I think Louise put it best, and most eloquently.

 

I agree.

 

I'm very lucky in that my parents have been really accepting. The only concern my mother's had is what the rest of the world will think about it. It's the same with my sister. They both accept me completely, but are worried that I'll have to face abuse for it.