What's up, About me: So here we are 25 years old. I have had gay sexual experiences twice when I was younger and they where genuine. I was very turned on and enjoyed it but always had my conscious telling me NO that was wrong. I have had 9 gay experiences as a man that where not genuine at all ( gay porn) which ended in same conscious feeling but the greed overcame that quickly, I've slept with 24 women, and have been smart or lucky enough to walk away without any diseases and chilling out to keep it that way. So here we are at 25 writing on this forum seeking conformation that other people feel list as welll? Anyway before you write how fucked up I am stop because that's not why I'm on here. I'm here because I'm lost. My past to the Present: Now you know a little bit about me here is my progression through lifer jus far. I quite porn because I hated my self and I hate everything about that industry. I feel it made me very tainted on the gay life style, and made me hate my self for being gay. Believe it or not I refuse to watch porn because it desensitizes humans of actual genuine sexual experience. It sets unrealistic expectations on a sacred act of love. I started porn b/c I needed money and was curious about men. Once I realized it's not helping me find my self I quite and kept working my regular job which is a very manly career. Also I got into a sport that is very tight nit where everyone knows everyone. I did this all under my manly heterosexual self. And I got a girl friend who also does my sport. What I'm trying to say is I'm established as a very straight man. Why I established my self as a straight man because: 1: I really don't know what I am and straight is my default 2: I may be extremely tainted by the gay scene from gay porn 3: I'm scared to come out because I have lied to everyone In my life on who I am P.s. I moved around a lot as a kid do I have trouble opening up to people and I m very fearful of having to keep changing friends. 2-3 may make it seem like I know and just don't want to come out, But I can honestly say I don't know what I am or what I want. I feel nothing. I know I like to suck dick and get it in the ass but I have never felt truly attracted to a man. I have felt truly attracted to a women but lately I haven't felt anything from either except when I think about se. In that case I lean more toward being dominated by perfect 10 man. I say perfect b/c it's very superficial feelings meaning I'm not sure I could love that man when he's old and wrinkly. So here's what I need to know. -Am I gay and just scared that I might loss a lot of people in my life that I see all the time because they can't accept me -will I ever find a genuine connection with someone? -are there any extremely hot guys out there that are gay manly and don't talk like a fucking retard? I apologize for the novel, profanity, and judgements on the scene I just hate fake people that's why I hate my self and am trying to clean my life to live more free of liesbu
There are not just three/four 'labels' in the LGBT community. Surf a bit on the forum and you will see countless 'orientation' statuses, also take a look at the Kinsey scale; sexuality is not black and white there are a lot of gray areas. It is possible that you are a 'heteroromantic bisexual', and sexuality changes as you explore it, maybe you'll settle to being fully straight bi or gay, or even asexual in the future, who knows! I've met a lot of men like you actually, on dating apps, some of them even engaged or married, a bit homophobic, just looking for a perfect looking guy to have an anonymous hookup and satisfy their lust. I think the reason you can't find a connection with someone is because you are still confused and you end up always being self-concious and this scares you. "What if I end up with someone that doesn't satisfy me? What if I like guys after all and I get stuck with a girl" "What if my gay experiences were just a phase or just a fetish, and are not worth it to make a whole coming out scene to my loved ones?" Being sexually confused causes fear for the uncertainty of the future, so you'd rather have NSA sex and leave, than take the risk of loving someone and being rejected for what you are, or loving someone and discovering a truth you have always avoided. Unfortunately I can't help you with discovering or accepting who you are, I've never even had a relationship myself for similar reasons, I think it's just something that you have to figure out on your own. And remember that you're not 'fake' if you don't come out to everyone, you're not even doing it intentionally as you're pretty lost yourself. Nobody is forcing you to share your sexual preferences with them. Yes, no need to be offensive.
I second everything Carpe Noctem said... He is spot on. Sexual orientation isn't always a black and white thing, there's various shades of gray in between the two opposite poles of the scale. If you where right smack in the middle, you'd be equally attracted to both sexes and could label yourself as 100% Bi, on the two opposite poles you'd find 100% gay and 100% straight. You could for instance be 70% straight and 30% gay and identify as either straight or Bi-curious or Bi leaning towards women or just Bi... What ever you feel most comfortable with. On the same token, you could be 70% attracted to guys and only 30% to girls and label yourself as gay with little interest in women, or Bi leaning towards men or just plain Bi, again what ever you feel most comfortable with. The first step you need to take before outing yourself or getting into a relationship is figure out where on that scale you are and what that means to you. The second step would be to accept yourself for being you... That in my own experience was the biggest hurdle to overcome. Only when you've accepted yourself you'd be able to be yourself and live an honest life. You've told us that you like sex with men, you didn't state whether you like sex with women... If you fantasise, is it only men or both men and women? Do you find yourself checking out guys and women or only guys? If you didn't have to pretend to be straight would you still be dating women or are you only doing it to be manly? You've mentioned being manly quite a bit and it obviously is important to you to project that image to the world... There's nothing wrong with it if that is who you really are... But if you're doing it to hide your true identity... Then maybe that's not such a good thing... Just because you're gay doesn't mean you are effeminate... But if you are, that's ok too, people are supposed to be colourful and unique, that's what sets you apart from just being another boring carbon cloned copy. You are an individual, an original just like your finger prints, accept it, love it and live it! As for an emotional connection, you'd only be open to that once you've accepted yourself and made peace with it. You can only allow yourself to fall in love when you stop second guessing yourself and that you can only do once you've learned to love yourself for who and what you are. Love is blind... Lust is visual... Where Love grows, lusts fades... Love is genuine... Lust is superficial and anything that is superficial is sure to disappoint in time. Guess what I'm trying to say, if you allow yourself to fall in love it will not matter what the person end up looking like, love is blind and it becomes irrelevant. If you base everything on looks, you're going to end up disappointed and unhappy somewhere down the line and that can and will be a very lonely place. This is a good place to ask questions and get support.
Thanks guy for the post and I apologize for the offensive comment. I do have to say that I believe the younger gay club scene is out but still very confused and goes about it by following trendy things. But maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. My sexuality has been very bipolar. I check out mostly women but fantasize 70% men. I really can't look at a guy and be attracted unless he was naked in my room that's my problem I feel I might be more gay just have trouble actually being attracted does that make sense? Some months I crave a women hard. Once I get one I think about being with a man it drives me nuts, and your right I'm very insecure in the relationships. I always questioning my actions and how I should react to curtain situations. I told one girl about it and she left me lol. So I figured I can't have the best if both worlds. I've heard love your self for many years I try to think positive about it and open up it at the end of the day I can't love me because I have no feelings. Btw I'm a mechanic so yeah the manly thing plays a big roll in my life. I honestly believe if my work knew me better they would fire me. So with me rambling on aside how do love my self and figure this out? Should I be strong and not care what people think?
It is kind of true, but that doesn't make them 'retarded', lol. That girl imo was too stupid for her own good, if she loved you she'd stay, but I'm guessing it wasn't a very serious relationship anyway. Discovering and accepting one's self is different for each one. I started accepting myself when I made some gay friends who knew a bit more than me on this subject and never judged me. Some people do so when finding a boyfriend, some people do it on their own. Have you tried hooking up? Just sex with no strings attached, if that is the only way to explore your sexuality while being 100% discreet? Or maybe a male 'friend with benefits', as in no relationship, just friends who occasionally have sex? I understand it might be hard with you being so closeted, so maybe try a dating app? You can share a pic only with guys who interest you so it's a pretty discreet way. Maybe through sex you'll start developing feelings for that guy, or you'll start checking out guys too in public places. You do have feelings, you just repressed them because you are afraid of the outcome, and also because you force yourself to only look at women when you're more sexually attracted to men. Maybe it was wrong that you repressed your homosexual tendencies just when they began, thinking 'NO! It's wrong! I'm gross! I like girls!', because you didn't give yourself a chance to explore your sexuality and find out what you're really attracted to. But it's never too late, you just have to find the right persons.
Hi there, Welcome to EC! Reading your posts various thoughts come to mind. Bearing in mind that this is just based on a few paragraphs of text and I could be totally off base here. YMMV. a) Regarding your past porn work - You mention that you started hating yourself as a result of doing it. My first thought: Have you forgiven yourself for doing it yet or is that self-hate still there? If it is, you need to forgive yourself and move on from it. Ok, it didn't turn out to be a positive thing for you and was a mistake - People make mistakes all the time. You can only move forward and work to do better and make a happier life for yourself. Of course, if you've totally moved past all that and have put it behind - please feel free to disregard this point b) Regarding your lack of feelings lately - I'm wondering if this is at least partly due to being in the closet. From what you've said you are in a situation where you are constantly afraid that others will learn about the 'real' you and that there will be negative consequences because of it. Having to constantly be on guard around other people would seem likely to have a rather distancing effect on anyone and their relationships to others. The fear of losing friends and jobs and such is a normal one in your situation - but it's also possible for people to surprise you. While your friends have only known one 'you' all this time, who you find attractive is only a part of you, not all of you. Those who are inclined to stop liking you because of this aren't what I would call true friends to begin with. That's not to say you need to come out to everyone in sight instantly. But it might help to find one of your friends who you think would be supportive, confirm that feeling, and then come out to them. A burden shared even a bit can be a lot lighter. Note also that there are people on EC who are in their 40s, 50s, or older who are just now coming to terms with their orientation and going through (or working toward starting) the coming out process. You aren't alone in the experience of having to introduce people to the 'real you' and there are a lot of folks here who can offer support and advice in that area. c) Thinking about your relationship situation - my suggestion would be to look around in your area and try make some LGBT friends and acquaintances. This might be via meetup.com, or the local LGBT center, or looking online to see if there is an LGBT sports team or league in your area. In the larger population centers, its not uncommon to have gay/LGBT flag football, softball, or rugby teams, although if you look around enough you can find just about any sport you care to name represented. The website Outsports.com may be a good starting point, although Google can also be an effective tool. I say LGBT friends, rather than just gay male friends, because in my experience having a diverse group of friends is a very good thing. Friends are people who have compatible personalities, shared values and interests, and other such things. But they are not (and should not be IMO) clones of ourselves. They are also not necessarily people who you would want to jump into bed with. But they are people who can know the real you and can be there for you and make your life richer. I count many kinds of people among my friends, straight and LGBT. Some are older than me, some younger, some are pretty masculine, some are fem. All of them make my life more interesting and are people I enjoy being around. On a more romantic note (since you are looking for that as well) - they may have friends or relatives who you might meet and grow to like as more than friends. Or even some of the people you meet might end up gaining your interest even if you weren't expecting it. Once you have a group of friends you can let down your guard with, you will hopefully find your emotions warming up again and things starting to move in a more positive direction. Hope this helps, Todd
Maybe what's going on is that what you're really attracted to is naturally effeminate men, but stuck on this notion of a man having to be "manly". I am not talking about the flamer type either. There are some men that are naturally softer and much less rugged and macho than your average man. It's possible that you find yourself attracted to the femininity of women but then aren't turned on by the female body parts. I don't know for sure that this is what's going on in your situation, but it's something to think about.
There are young gay guys that live large and flamboyant lifestyles. We notice and see them because of their extroverted personalities being out there for everyone to see and because of it, it's easy to think that that is what being a homosexual is all about. What you are seeing is just a small portion of the LGBT community out there, there's many more LGBT people who aren't extroverted and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between them or anyone else when they walk down the street. We are all unique and I'm sure you'll find a group that share the same interests as you... No need to suddenly change your personality to conform to a stereotype image you have in your head! Besides, we owe a great deal to those who are out and about with their larger than life personalities, they are the ones who have been in the front lines, fighting for LGBT rights... In fact if I'm not mistaken the lead was taken by huge community of Drag Queens in the USA in the sixties... Each one of us deserves a little spot in the sunlight! That aside, dealing with your issues and learning to accept and love yourself, you've taken the first step by joining this forum. For some it's more difficult than others, but it's never the less a journey that most of us had to take. Reading trough your posts it's obvious that you've got a lot to work trough. I don't know what your personal position is, but if you can, have you ever considered talking to a therapist? Its been the biggest help in my own life to work trough all the issues I had and I'm pretty sure it could do the same for you...
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, on the porn thing: An awful lot of guys who are totally straight have done gay-for-pay scenes for porn companies. I know some of them. And one of the things that can happen for some is it can, to some extent, mess with your sense of who you are and what you're genuinely attracted to. Here's why: Even for a totally straight guy, getting your dick sucked, fucking, or being fucked by a guy can feel, physically, really arousing. So if you're straight, there can be a major disconnect between the pleasurable sensations you're experiencing and what your mind (conscious and unconscious) find arousing and exciting. If you aren't prepared for that possibility, it can mess with your head. That said, though, participation in gay porn certainly won't make you gay if you aren't gay already. It might help you get in touch with it, but there again, this has as much to do with what your mind enjoys and finds arousing as it does with what stimulates and excites you. You mentioned that you had "genuine" experiences with guys earlier in life. Can you talk a little more about that in terms of how old you were and how old your partner(s) were? That information can sometimes be helpful in understanding what's going on. And then the last piece I'm hearing is a sense of not feeling any particular attraction/connection to men or to women. 9 times out of 10, that's a result of a disconnect from your emotions and perhaps from your body. This numbing out isn't an uncommon occurrence, but usually happens for a reason. So another related question would be what you remember about your early sexual experiences with guys and with women: Did you feel equally numb/disconnected then? I would suggest that for now, you not stress about a label. I'd also suggest staying away from the unrecognized labels because I don't think any of them will be helpful to you at this stage of trying to understand yourself, as what's going on for you is almost certainly a byproduct of experiences rather than being the way you naturally are. As you explore yourself and work through these pieces, I think things will start to get clearer for you. I agree with Ditz that seeing a therapist could be really helpful. The catch is... finding one who is completely comfortable talking about sex and sexuality. You would think that would be something pretty basic to therapy, but unfortunately it isn't; there's little training for therapists in this area unless they've specifically sought out postgraduate training or gone to one of the very few programs that are strong in teaching about sexuality. So it may take some doing to find someone you click with that will "go there" with you... but it's worth the effort. Meantime, if you are comfortable providing more information about your history, it might help to shed further light on your situation.
Hey everyone thanks for the replies! Your advice is humble and seems that you truly want to help! In response to free rico. I am attracted to transvestites in many ways like how your describing it but for and actual man I feel like I want one bigger then me. One that is a more dominant top I would say in bed but In publics I would feel weak with people knowing that I'm the softer one. I do know it feels good to let my guard down and not try and be so alpha all the time. But I am more alpha normally to stay in the rat race and not get stepped on. As for friends. I have one gay friend and we tried to give it a shot but that never paned out. Which is ok because we are still friends. He knows everything about my situation but it's hard for me to open up when out in the gay community with him. I will keep trying because I think it's fear that another gay friend of mine that in in the sport I do with all my friends knowing me as the manly man will see me. And buddy or not he has a load mouth. So heres whats been going on the past couple of days. My moms a hippie and I know she wouldn't judge me but it's still weird to talk about things with her. But it's been eating me up so I called her and told her I'm confused about my sexuality. She responded by telling me what ever I choose is a great decision and she'll always be proud of me.Which may seem like a huge step to you guys but it means vertically nothing to me because I'm not worried about what my family thinks of. She was also surprised, and that confirmed that even if my mom didn't know something could be off then this will blind side everyone else in my life. But then again I'm not sure what I am. I have a girl friend and this past week we didn't hang out. All I could think about was being with a man. I pleasures my self to this thought many times and near finish I would try and change my last mental thought to a women so I didn't feel guilty. How fucked up is that? I'm being this up though is because when we finally hung out this weekend I fell right back into my straight ways and we really bonded deeply this weekend. I really do like this girl and am sexually attracted when I'm feeling adequate, so this confuses me as well. Because I think I am actually starting to feel, and I think those feelings are for her. Ps this also doesn't solve anything because she's leaving in two weeks for north dokota and and she doesn't know my past. Also I still fantasize about men. So it did teach me I might be leaning more towards the bi section and I just need to find any sex that I'm happy with that's happy with me? As for past genuine experience sit was when I was in 6th grade and staying at my buddy's house. He was also six grade and he talked me into some things which I liked. It never made it to second base but made it very close. We messed around for the most part of the year and then I got weird with it and we stopped being friends.
