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I'm SOOO confused. Need some advice!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by confuseduser99, Apr 25, 2014.

  1. confuseduser99

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    Hey everyone,

    Completely new to this. I'm a 20 year old male currently attending college. I'm a little nervous/uncomfortable posting this. I've NEVER even posted a question about my sexuality online before, not to mention ever discussed my questioning with anyone, so please bear with me. Here's my story:

    I've never been in a relationship with anyone, I guess I'm a late bloomer. For years, I've never really thought much about my romantic life. Sexually speaking, I recall watching porn since I was approx. 13 years old. I once stumbled upon gay porn (can't remember how exactly), and it REALLY turned me on (actually having an erection right now from writing that...). After that encounter, I was hooked on gay porn (although I never thought about myself as gay, nor did I question my sexuality. I just figured I liked gay porn, but I was straight). I later went back to watching straight porn, occasionally watching some gay porn.

    When I was about 17 or so, I gave up on gay porn for several reasons (I felt uncomfortable after watching it, and as I Christian, I felt even worse - that's not to say that watching straight porn is moral, but gay porn just felt more wrong). I tried to completely ignore my gay tendencies (although I'd always pay attention to the guy in straight porn).

    I recently started watching some gay porn every now and then, and now I'm hooked (again...). I'm just so confused.

    I don't want to be gay. I don't want that to define me. I'm also not emotionally attracted to men, but I'm not really sexually attracted to women. My mom has even questioned my sexuality (not to me personally, but she's brought it up with my sisters, asking them if they think I'm gay/if I've spoken to them about being gay).

    A couple of people think I'm gay, and a couple of weeks ago, a gay gay hit on me (in the moment, I felt awkward and strange, but when I thought about it later that night, I was kind of flattered and turned on to the idea that a guy hit on me).

    Anyway, I don't know what to feel. I know I have gay tendencies, but I don't want to live a gay lifestyle and be "the gay guy" of the family and within my close circle of friends (who are all really conservative, both politically and socially speaking). I just want to live a normal life, have a beautiful wife and a couple of kids.

    Am I just a self-denying gay man, or maybe bisexual (again, I'm not emotionally attracted to men, just sexually, and vice versa for women)?
     
  2. Trentacles

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    I'm going to say gay and denial.
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    When you say you are emotionally attracted to women, what exactly do you mean? Interested to know how you define emotional attraction.

    My reason for asking is that many gay men feel a stronger emotional connection to the opposite sex, but a stronger and deeper physical connection to the same sex . Ultimately, it's the physical connection that wins over and becomes the determining factor in their sexual orientation.

    By your own admission you are really turned on by gay porn and focus on the man, rather than the woman in straight porn. The physical/sexual connection to the same sex is reinforced by your return to gay porn, indeed, you say you are "hooked" again.

    I cannot say you are gay (nobody can decide your sexual orientation for you) but the key word here is sexual. What is your sexual orientation, not your emotional orientation?

    From what you have told us, I'd say there is a layer of denial associated with your religious beliefs and social/cultural background. These are powerful pull factors that stop people confronting the reality of their feelings about sexuality.

    Being gay is absolutely normal and it's not a choice. I am gay, but I certainly didn't choose it and let me reassure you that it has not been a defining factor in my life. It's just who I am.

    Remember, this is about your sexual orientation, not your emotional orientation. Peel away that layer of confusion and set aside the social and moral arguments for a while and you might begin to see things in a different light. Whether you like what you see is a separate issue, but we can try to support you with that too.

    You are not alone with these issues.
     
  4. stillhidden

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    I agree with everything Linco said - wonderful post.

    confuseduser99, if it makes you feel any better, I know exactly what you are going through. I grew up in a very religious/Christian/conservative household and area. Basically, the biggest bible belt-type area ever. Being constantly told how being homosexual was one of the worst things in the world you can ever be really stunted me emotionally. I felt like I was a terrible person and just wanted to be "normal"... have a girlfriend/wife, kids, make my parents happy, etc. But eventually, I had to the face the truth. I was gay. Nothing was going to change that. I didn't "choose" it. Why would anyone choose to be gay (especially in that situation/environment)? It just doesn't work like that.

    I kind of understand what you mean about being "emotional attracted" to women. At least, I think anyways. I loved (still do!) being around girls because I found them much easier to talk to about things. I had a lot more girl friends (not girlfriend) in high school and college than I did guy friends. But at the end of the day, I was still attracted sexually to guys. It took me a long time to come to terms with this, but since accepting myself, I have been a lot happier. I'm still not perfectly happy because I am not out to my parents still, but only because I know they would not take it well. I'm pretty sure deep down, my parents already know, though.

    So... after reading your post and recognizing a lot of similarities to my own life, I would say yes, you are gay and probably in denial. But that's okay. It takes time to deal with your feelings and it doesn't happen overnight. Trust me.
     
  5. confuseduser99

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    Thanks for the responses everyone. I have a couple more questions for you stillhidden, since you seem to understand where I'm coming from.

    I'm not sure where you stand religiously speaking, but I'm not going to give up on Christianity. I am a firm believer in Christ. That being said, if I ever come to the realization that I am gay, I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept it.

    I don't mean this in a homophobic way, but homosexuality (the act of homosexual relations, not being a homosexual) is a sin. The bible is pretty clear about that. I don't know how I can just ignore that and go against God's will.

    At the same time, I want to be happy, and live a fulfilling life. I want to have a happy relationship one day, and be able to "test the waters" like most normal people. By problem with this is tenfold:

    1) I'm nervous and I guess lack confidence when it comes to dating. It's hard for me to find the courage to ask someone out.

    2) I want to experiment with women, but besides the whole confidence part, how do I choose a woman? If I'm not sexually attracted to her, but I am emotionally attracted to her, can I truly have a sexual relationship with her? (The closest I ever came to having a relationship was with a girl 2 years ago. I really liked her personality. While I wasn't all that sexually attracted to her, I did get aroused by her when thinking about having sex with her, or when we'd have conversations about love, romance, and sex. I would think about having sex with her, and that would arouse me, although I never actually had sex with her).

    3) In recent days, I've warmed up slightly to the idea of experimenting with men, but I'm too nervous/scared about actually pursuing such action. Furthermore, I think it would be too awkward and I'd feel out of my skin. Also, I don't even know how I could ever approach a guy that I was attracted to, or where I'd find a guy open to experimenting (I really don't want to go to a gay bar, or "the gay area", etc.). Also, my religious background really puts a hold on me wanting to ever act upon my temptations here.

    I'm just so torn apart, confused, anxious, annoyed, and fed up. Why is this so hard? Will I ever have a happy life with a companion, let alone, ever experiment with someone. I know I want to, but with all the confusion, moral issues, etc., I can never find myself ready to get out there and experiment.

    Finally, I think deep down, my mother knows that I'm probably gay. The fact that my sisters tell me every now and then that my mom brings up my sexuality with them really says a lot. Even my uncle once said to my mom that he thinks I'm gay, since I've never been with a woman at my age (20 years old). None of my family members have ever brought up my sexuality to me in person, but I can tell that they're all questioning it when they ask me "you don't have a girlfriend? Why not?"

    I just need someone to talk to. For now, this is the only venue where I can do this.
     
  6. stillhidden

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    Religion is complicated with me. I was fairly religious growing up, but over the years, I have let go a lot of what I was told growing up. When I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, I basically told myself: "God made me this way. If he had wanted me to be straight, that's what I would have been." Maybe it was just me telling myself that to make me feel a little bit better, but was honestly how I felt at the time (still do somewhat - I'm more agnostic now).

    This is going to sound really dumb, but an episode of South Park kind of "helped" me. In this episode, Butters had to go to a "pray the gay away" straight camp because of something Cartman did. Anyways, at the end of the episode, Butters was tired of everyone telling him that he was confused and wrong, and Butters said something at the end that kind of stuck with me. He said something like if he's bi-curious, and he's made from God, then God must be a little bit bi-curious too. lol But what I took from it was, if God made me as gay, then he must have done it for a reason, and I'm okay the way I am. That was my line of thinking back then (again, since that point, I have become more agnostic). It's a pretty amusing episode actually (if you want to find it, the episode is called "Cartman sucks" - be forewarned, it might be somewhat offensive as expected of South Park).

    As far as the rest of your post... if you want to experiment with women to see how that goes, you should. Nothing says you have to be 100% gay. Of course, if you are 100% gay, that's okay, too. I don't really have much advice about choosing a woman, but I would find one you connect to emotionally, and try forming a relationship if you want to test the waters. If it eventually gets to the sex part, see how that goes. If it goes nowhere then... well, you're probably gay. In which case, maybe you can try using various dating sites and being up-front about being confused and needing help. You might find someone really supportive.

    Honestly, your mom and family members probably do know. I'm almost certain mine know, but they haven't asked me outright. I mean, I'm 28 and haven't had a girlfriend since high school (was basically a fake girlfriend back then too lol). I'm sure some of the stuff I have done when I was younger have been big hints as well, lol. I don't know for certain how my dad would react, but I'm pretty sure my mom would freak out. She's SO religious it's insane. It's all she talks about... it's hard to even have a conversation with her without her bringing God into the matter. I really am not in a rush to come out to them until I find someone I'm really serious about.

    I don't know if this post has helped you at all, but we are here to talk when you need someone to listen. I know it's hard, trust me. Especially since we come from similar backgrounds...
     
    #6 stillhidden, Apr 26, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2014
  7. confuseduser99

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    That's the other thing. I think my mom would understand. She'd probably be shellshocked at first, but she'd eventually warm up to it. My sisters too. My dad on the other hand would be pretty disappointed. I don't know how he'd handle it. And my family members as well. I don't want to be "the gay guy" of the family if you know what I mean.

    Also, one of my uncles (not blood related, married into the family) is a pastor of a church that my parents and I attend (haven't been in over 2 years since I know live away from home for school). That would just be so awkward and painful to go through.

    I feel like there's a part of me that shouldn't exist. I want to kill it, burn it with fire. People say that it's impossible to do so, but is it really (I may just be saying this because I'm so disgruntled with it all, please forgive me, not trying to offend anyone)?

    I really don't know how I'm going to deal with this. This part of my life just plain old sucks!
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    Okay, so as well as being gay, I'm also a Christian in a long term monogamous relationship and I don't feel conflicted in any way.

    I know you said the Bible is very clear that homosexuality is a sin, but I respectfully have to dispute that. The Bible is not clear at all about this and frequently gets quoted out of context. Of the thousands of passages in scripture, fewer than ten are frequently referenced by Christian opponents of homosexuality to qualify their argument and in all cases these arguments have been comprehensively destroyed by very learned theologians. In all four gospels, Christ himself makes no comment about homosexuality, but challenges us to show love and compassion, to not judge one another and warns very sternly against hypocrisy. Are these not the fundamental messages of Christianity? I certainly think so. Personally I have no time for the sort of piety that gets spouted about homosexuality. It's wrong, plain wrong!

    Many gay men have been intimate with women, but come to realise it's not for them. The emotional connection may be there but the physical connection is missing. If you wish to try a relationship with the opposite sex first, then you have that choice, but I would caution you against forcing the issue to maintain a facade. There are also lots of gay men who become trapped in a marriage for years, knowing all the time it's not for them and they are not in love with their wives. In most cases the truth will out and it can result in a messy and acrimonious parting years later. Do think about that very carefully. Remember, this is about your sexual orientation.

    You are bound to feel nervous right now. You haven't dated anyone yet, male or female. There's always a certain amount of trepidation when it comes to dating for the first time, whether you are straight, gay or bi. The confusion about your orientation isn't helping, but the feelings of nervousness are not actually unusual for anyone.

    Keep talking to us.
     
  9. confuseduser99

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    Linco,

    I know that there are many Christians who are split on the interpretation of the bible, but for me, the one passage that makes it clear is 1 Corinthians 6:9 (Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality). I'm not judging you, or challenging your beliefs, just stating my own.

    I want to inherit the Kingdom of God. But I also want to live a happy, fulfilling life. I feel like the two are juxtaposed in a choose one or the other situation.

    Also, the family and societal burdens seem like it's just too much to bear. I think my mom and sisters would be okay with me coming out (if I do one day decide that I'm gay, and want to come out), but I'm worried about my dad. I also have an uncle who's a pastor, whose church my family attends (I haven't for 2 years since I live away from home). How would I deal with that? He's my uncle AND my pastor...

    Finally, any suggestions in the dating/experimenting world? It's so hard getting over the nervousness, while at the same time, dealing with all this confusion/stress. I swear the reason why I have anxiety is due in part to this. It's stresses the hell out of me! :help:
     
  10. PatrickUK

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    That passage from Corinthians is one of the ten I referred to, but I'm happy to park the whole debate about who is right or wrong in their understanding and belief. Let's agree to differ. Unfortunately, there is a real chance you will face this issue again though with the family being so closely linked to your Uncle's Church. If/when you decide to come out to them, it would be good if you have built up a network of supportive people who will back you if things go wrong. So don't just think about dating, think about making friends too.

    When it comes to dating, I can't offer much advice relating to the opposite sex. I get the impression from your comments that gay bars and clubs would be too daunting for you, so the internet might be a better option. There are lots of websites you could join for friendship, experimenting/dating (this probably applies to opposite sex relationships too). The main thing is to observe the usual common sense precautions about personal safety and security if you arrange to meet people online.

    The confusion and questioning is probably adding to your anxiety. Maybe a good idea to forget the labels for now and just go where your feelings take you and try to work out who/what you are later.
     
  11. confuseduser99

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    But that's what scares me. Just "going with the flow". I don't know if it's just my rather small mind when it comes to sexuality, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to live with myself just being a floater.

    Also, I know of 2 people (both males) who are acquaintances/friends. One is even really conservative. Both of them came out as gay recently.

    I don't know what to say... Dealing with this, especially the past 24 hours (since it's the first time I've ever opened up about this to the world), has been more than stressful. It takes a toll on the mind, and an even bigger toll on the heart and soul.

    When does it all go away? Just being worry-free?
     
  12. Yossarian

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    You can think whatever you want to about what "The Bible" says, but in reality there are many different Bibles in the world and they don't all "say" anything. People read them and decide what they are "saying", and they don't all say the same thing to everybody. If you believe in a God who is all powerful and omnipotent and infallible, then you should believe that WHATEVER you are, you were made perfectly to be that way by intent and with a reason, so you don't need or have to fight that to try and be "something else" that you imagine or others tell you you are supposed to pretend to be. That is what is meant here when people tell you to "be your authentic self"; i.e. be what you know your God made you to be, and you will not be punished for doing so in a "hereafter" you believe to exist.

    You may not WANT to be gay; you may want to be 100% straight; you may also want to be 6' tall, have muscular abs and a hairy chest, or red hair and blue eyes. But the reality is that you are what you are, and from what you say you have done and liked, that seems to be a GAY man. So be the best and shining example of a gay man that your God made you to be, find a loving partner who thinks like you do, and maybe adopt some orphaned kids and take care of them with your partner. I don't think a loving God who made you what you are would find fault with that, here or in the hereafter; who cares what narrow-minded and bigoted people think; let them explain themselves and their actions in their own hereafter.
     
  13. confuseduser99

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    I wouldn't call them "bigoted". They have a legitimate reason to feel the way they do regarding homosexuality (from the religious point of view). Also, I don't think I'd ever be able to adopt children. I WANT MY OWN! And I want to have children the natural way...

    Also, I don't know for sure if I am gay, so there's always that I guess.
     
  14. confuseduser99

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