So I have this weird thing going on. I'm out to the people I care about, friends and close family. But I have this defense mechanism to instantly act straight whenever the topic is brought up by anybody. I can't even explain it, when I'm with friends I'll say "oh he's cute" and stuff like that..But people I really don't care about activate this part of me and I start saying things I don't think and sorta acting homophobic. Has anybody experienced this and have any advice for me?
Never in my entire life have I been around a stranger and mentioned anything remotely like "So and so is cute", it's just not a conversation I would ever have with a stranger, so personally I wouldn't worry about it.
I experience this daily. In fact I do to such an extent, that I was afraid I would kill any sexual thoughts in my mind...well thankfully that didn't happen. But when the subject comes up during a class in school, I usually start feeling hatred towards gayness and my face turns red because of the anger... Hopefully I'm not overacting too much, and my God, I'm not looking forward to when we'll be studying the human genitalia in Biology...
Yes, Since I have heard a shit load of homophobic comments from a variety of people, it's hard for me to be open with strangers, even if they know I'm gay, I feel I can't 100% be myself. It just takes time to warm up to people sometimes.
I'm not sure I feel this to the extent you do but I am out to my close friends and family as well and when it comes to my personal life at work or if I go for a massage or the hairdresser or if I'm just asked by anyone so how are you what did you do this weekend.. I usually avoid answering and ever getting into to much detail about my life. While others may say, oh me and my boyfriend did this and.. Etc.. I just say oh it was good not much happened. I feel a fear in just being honest and I hate it. Because it's not fair that we are afraid of total strangers. My girlfriend is out everywhere she doesn't care. And has never really had issues and does not understand my fear. My only advice would be to try and push yourself past the fear and just start with one person. *note* I am still trying to do this myself. When I was out of my province visiting a friend I came out to her friends. I felt like because I was away from my area that made it easier although I still had some anxieties. Now I'm just trying to do it where I live too.
You are just being self-protective because of the homophobic world we live in. Don't worry about it; the opinions of casual strangers don't mean diddly-squat, unless they are directing them negatively to you, and then they don't mean very much anyway. If they start talking trash about gay people, then you can decide whether the situation warrants correcting them, or just walking away.
