So I finally managed to muster the courage to come out to my mum and dad, and to say it was a catastrophe would be an understatement. I came back to the stay at the parents last night as I was seeing some friends in town that evening, but also wanted to give them the news about my partner. I started off saying that I'd recently gone on holiday to see someone who I'd been seeing since Feb last year, then when mum asked who the "lucky girl" was, I said it was actually a guy. She was surprised, but didn't really react too badly outwardly. Dad, on the other hand, just said "oh" and sat down and didn't say another word. I went out for the evening and left them to think things through. I got a couple of texts from mum later in the evening, saying that they were both disappointed, describing my news as being similar to bereavement for futures lost. She also said that she thought it best I not tell my brother as he had his exams soon. I didn't reply to that comment, but did say that I am still the same person, still plan to have a future like they expected, just with a different person by my side. Mum came into my room this morning to chat once dad had left the house. She made it clear that dad was struggling with the news and not handling it well. She explained that she was disappointed because it was like they had lost a future (no lovely wedding with a girl, no family, no kids etc). I said that I still planned to raise a family, just not in the conventional way and she burst into tears, saying that that would be even harder for her to deal with. She called my relationship wrong. That a relationship should always be between man and woman, that I was being abnormal being in a relationship with a man. I started to pack up as my dad got back from shopping. He didn't say a word to me (or even look at me). Mum told me to wait and say good bye to him, which I did, and I got a short "goodbye" back, followed by an angry "I'm devastated". Mum burst into tears and I walked out. Sorry for the long essay but I'm pretty torn right now. My own mother thinks my choice is abnormal. How many people have had this themselves/heard about it? What should I do? Aside from giving them time? I honestly don't know what to do.
I mean you can't really force them to like it. Just give them time. Would your brother react the same way? (If he would be fine with it maybe he would help convince them.)
Mum told my brother later this afternoon - she said that he wasn't surprised (which doesn't surprise me either to be honest; I had a feeling he knew). Maybe if he's cool about it he'll help them come to terms with it..
I'm sorry things went that bad for you... but anyway, congrats on coming out. Maybe you should act completely normal, to show that nothing has changed. Although there is a risk of them thinking you've "changed your mind". Did you make it clear that you're gay and not bisexual?
I'm so sorry that you had a bad coming out experience, but the best way to look at it is that it's finally done. I know it didn't go how you wanted it to go, but I think eventually, your parents will come around to the idea of it. It will take some time, obviously. And how old is your brother? Maybe you should talk to him and see his reaction (unless you want to give him time to process it although from what you said, he already knew).
Well, at least you have a partner to back you up. I can't imagine what you're feeling, but just stay around him a lot, try to do anything to keep you from being emotionally drained until it eases with them.
I'd speak to your brother if I were you. How old are both of you? He might be a good ally for you to have. Apart from that the only thing I can think of doing is just giving them time. Show them you're still the same person. Also OP you're not "abnormal", whatever that is. You parents aren't really grieving for your future or you, they're grieving for their fantasies of you. Like you said you still plan on raising a family, which is brilliant, don't let them make you feel bad for that. You've done nothing wrong whatsoever.
Brother is 16. Just had a skype chat with him and I don't think I've ever really given him credit - he's far more mature than I thought he was. He doesn't care - he walked in on me and my partner skyping once so he guessed from there (plus the lack of a girlfriend). I think mum is going to be ok, but I may have train-wrecked my already rickety relationship with my dad, but we'll see. Unfortunately, my partner has gone back to Singapore (he works over there whereas I'm stuck in the UK). Still questioning the wisdom of telling the parents, but I guess I was sick of lying all the time. I explained that it wasn't just a phase - I waited this long until I was certain, but I still don't know what the future will hold. It could be that things don't work out and I met a girl that changes my views, but at this stage (and from past experiences with women), I've never felt the same as I do with my boyfriend now. Not the kind of thing I can tell mum and dad though
Your brother sounds great. Anyway you didn't really ruin anything, you were just being honest. You haven't even done anything wrong, it's your dad that's in the wrong there. Plus it's his job to build a relationship with you, not the other way around.
Hey themoose Unfortunately your story epitomises why I haven't come out to my parents yet. I feel mine would take it well, but you can't know that until you've actually done it then if it goes wrong there's no going back. I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you. Did they kick you out over this or were you moving out anyway? It sounded like it when you described 'packing my bags' and 'saying goodbye' etc. It really saddened me to hear they might have sent you out over this. That said you're 22 so I'm not sure. I was just curious about your quotes above. The large majority of us who are gay don't believe being gay is a "choice" or part of our "views". It's just how we are and we cannot change that. Either way, it's irrelevent. I'm really glad you've got your brother on board by the sound of it. If your parents can't get used to the idea of it, your brother might turn out to be the link that at least keeps them in your life assuming you want them to be.
That doesn't really sound as bad as it might really feel now; objects were not thrown; police were not called; nothing was tossed into the street, including you. You hit them with something they were not expecting; you got an initial reaction of disappointment, which is not really that unusual. They are unhappy, but they have not "freaked out". Now they need some time to themselves to realize that it is not the end of the world or even their world, just something they had not anticipated or expected, which means that you are really good at hiding in the closet or they aren't very perceptive. You might want to round up some PFLAG information or a book or two for them, so they can find out what they are supposed to do as parents, since they don't seem to know. Even if they don't fully engage with the program, at least you will know you have done your side of the work, and they will know you are trying to help them deal with it. The rest is up to them, not you.
THat must have been really upsetting and painful for you, and I'm sorry you had to experience that. Perhaps it would help to know that any time parents are confronted with something like this, there's no question it's perceived as a loss, because many of the "traditional" dreams they had just aren't going to happen in the way they'd envisioned them. The stages of loss that anyone goes through in processing something like this are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So it's perfectly normal and OK for them to have that response, as much as it wasn't what you were hoping for. So in that context, I think they're handling things remarkably well, and my guess is in a month or two (maybe sooner) they'll be totally OK with it. The good news is that you're still communicating, and your brother is OK with it. So I think if you give it time, you'll find that they'll come completely around.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My parents reacted in pretty much exactly the same way. The first few days after I told them were awful, but I will say that it gets better. It's been over four months since I've told my parents. They are doing better, but they were still very uncomfortable when I mentioned I had a date this past weekend. Just know that things will most likely improve with time.
Luckily I live away from home now (about an hours drive so I can still get back at short notice). Don't think I could have done it while I still lived there. As it was, I couldn't face being there with an angry dad and a grief-stricken mother so I just finished packing my night bag and left. With regards to choice and views, I still don't know if I'm gay or bi. I know that when I'm with my partner at the moment, it just feels right in a way that no relationship with a woman has ever felt, but then I wonder whether if I did meet a woman who made me feel like this, would it change my views? I'm not sure. Possibly/probably not, but who knows.. Got another text from my mum this morning saying she thought it best I not let my work colleagues know about my relationship. I started this new job at the beginning of April and I figured that, seeing as I was pretty sure anyway, it would be better to be open from the start so that when I go to work I could actually be me rather than this false persona. Was I right to do this?
Of course. I mean I can't even think of a reason why she wants you to hide from them. It's the UK here, we're really gay friendly, and I highly doubt any of your colleagues were bothered am I right? Anyway yeah it's far better to be out an open, you don't have to hide things at work or worry about them finding out you're gay, that'd just be another uneccessary stress that you'd be putting on yourself needlessly. Your colleagues at work wouldn't care. Have you thought about responding to her text?
I didn't reply to that text in the end but I got another one later that day apologising for the "crass" message. The message was nice; it seems like she is trying to be understanding about it (although her closing comment was "it took courage to stand by your convictions to hell with everyone else" which sounded a bit bitter to me). She also said later that she was looking at support videos to show to Dad to help him understand it. I also got a text from Dad (shocked me) saying that he would take time but that it's his problem not mine, and that I have to get the best future for myself that makes me happy, which sounds like he's at least accepting my decision, if not agreeing with it himself. So all in all, they sound like they're getting over it. I texted last night to see how they were doing but didn't get a response so I guess they're not feeling like talking at the moment. I think I'll go back this weekend so that I can be there to talk again (plus going out on Saturday so I can chat, leave them to mull a bit more then talk some more on Sunday).
I actually don't think that sounds bitter. I'm going to be optimistic here and say that was supposed to come across as a supportive comment. Anyway it's looking like things are getting better. That's good to hear.
I think your parents are doing pretty well, they are probablybfinally accepting you... I think you should go to them and hug them.
Yeah, I'm planning on going back this weekend (claiming some hours back from work and leaving early on Friday to get back). Should be interesting. Mum is texting normally so hopefully she is handling it well. Dad will be an interesting case though...
