Ok so I know everyone has heard this one before, but somehow I know this one is different. First I'll talk a little bit about myself. I've had interest in guys since I can remember, but I've never come out to anyone. I'm a senior in college. I'm pretty sure my really close friends suspect I'm into guys, but I've never even kissed a guy before, because of fear of people finding out. I've dated girls and had girlfriends, even long relationships. The thing is I've liked about 2 of my straight best friends before, but ignored it since I always knew they were straight. I've never felt depressed or whatever about it. But with my new friend it's different. I met him two years ago. We were varsity teammates. We got along great from the beginning. This is when he was a freshmen and I was a junior. I always thought how it was weird that he wasn't doing good at school, and he didn't have a girlfriend, never went out on dates, he never hanged much (maybe once a month), and everybody always talked about how he never talked about girls, even to his close friends, so he basically just spent time by himself. Even one day one of his closest friends told me how they went to their high school senior trip and he didn't hook up with ANY girls, and even gay guys get really drunk and hook up with girls in senior trips, right? Anyway, he tends to spend his time smoking up with guy friends. He doesn't even have girl friends, I've NEVER seem him even talking to a girl. Sometimes I think he is just gotten used to this behavior, since he is from a guys only school. So this is all the year I met him, but didn't spend a whole lot of time with him. We hung out like once every two weeks. We were just friends. This year I got really close to him. We are together almost everyday. I'm not sure why or when, but it just happened. I know he doesn't hook up with girls since the days I'm not with him, we talk on the phone or text. The thing is, after being really good friends with him, I started liking him about a month ago. I don't know why, I've always suspected he is gay, but never really liked him. Now when I'm not with him, I'm always thinking about him. The thing is when I spend time with other friends, he is calling me up or texting me to get together. We mostly just hang out or smoke up together, no weird stuff. I've noticed how sometimes I tease him about never hooking up with girls and he gets really nervous and doesn't answer. There was even this one time when we were hanging out with my brother and his girlfriend, and she called up two girls so they would hook up with my friend and I. When they got there, he didn't even talk, he was just there being silent. At one point I had to tell him to talk to them, but nothing happened. Recently I found condoms beside his bed and in his car, which is really bothering me since I'm 100% sure he doesn't hook up with girls. This is why I feel so sure about this one. My other crushes on straight friends I ignored since I knew they were straight, and I never insisted, but with this friend the clues are so obvious! I don't want to get into a gay relationship, but I think I really like him because we have a lot of things in common, we think really alike, and since we spend so much time together, what the heck. We make each other laugh a lot, and I actually enjoy spending time with him. Although I started to spend a lot of time with him last semester, I would still hang out a lot with all my friends, and he would always hit me up to hangout. This semester I've basically just spent time with him. In Christmas vacations he even texted me, not saying how he missed me or whatever, but how he wanted for school to start so we could hang out. He is very careful how he says things. We never talk about gay stuff, or behave gay in anyway, but just from the way he acts you can notice. We never have awkward gay moments. This semester I went on a school trip for a week, and he knew when I was getting back, but he texted me twice asking me when I was coming back, even thought he knew. Even my sister in law told me the other day how she thinks he es gay just because of the way he walks. So basically the feeling is mutual, when I don't call him, he calls me. Even the days I have to ignore him because I have a big test, I tell him: ok, I'll be done this day at this time, and he calls me up exactly at the same time I told him! haha. Weird right? The other friends I liked never gave me clues like this. I wouldn't even rush to the sex part if the feeling was mutual, I just would like to sleep with him, go to the beach, and spend every day together. What do you guys think? And sorry for the essay haha! I felt I needed to detail everything. THANKS!
Probably easiest to just say this to him and see. If he makes you feel that way then there's no reason to keep it held in. You should do whatever makes you happy. There is a risk that it would make things awkward, but if you're sure about what he feels (or strongly suspect) then you may as well go for it.
It's possible that he's gay, confused, bi etc. But there's no way to tell for sure. I think the best bet you have is to come out to him. You need to let him know how close of a friend he is, and you should tell him that because he's such an important friend you wanted to share it with him. He'll probably tell you as soon as you tell him... The other thing you could do would be to start flirting, touching etc. and see how he reacts. I hope this helps
You seem to be stressing on how you're sure he doesn't hook up with girls, but really that doesn't mean a lot. You should also avoid teasing him; he may feel pressured to act straight, which is the opposite of what you want. What you need to know is does he like guys. Maybe you should start talking about gay stuff. Have you thought of coming out to him? It seems this is the best time to talk to him before you graduate and other things in your life get complicated.
What gay stuff could I talk to him about? I've thought about this approach, but I don't know how to start. I know I'm stressing to much on the fact that he doesn't spend time with girls, but it's to obvious. He doesn't even talk about them, and in his social group all his friends hook up, heck even me. So I have a strong suspicion, but have no idea how to approach it. He acts really straight btw. ---------- Post added 27th Apr 2014 at 02:42 PM ---------- I need an approach to find out, but I don't want to come out to him. Although I suspect he might like me, and me him, I'm sure he is being very careful, and would freak out if would touch him or flirt with him. I'm also don't believe in asking his friends if they think he is gay since that would be creating unnecessary suspicion he doesn't need.
From what you are saying, he is gay, in the closet, maybe even in denial. Yet, there are those condoms you mentioned also, so maybe he is experimenting with casual pickups who are unlikely to be known to his friends. Because you are really IN a relationship (of a strange kind) with him already, you need to make the first move if you want it to be a GAY relationship instead of "just friends". By coming out to him as gay, not that you are crushing on him, you authenticate yourself, and open the door for him to trust you by showing that you trust him with your secret. If you have trouble being out yourself, then that is a whole different situation you need to talk about, and what your reasons are, but given the active interactions between the two of you, that is reason enough for you to come out to him regardless of whether either or both of you are interested in taking it to the next level. Maybe HE is severely in need of someone HE can come out to, but is just as hung-up as you are about how to open his mouth and say the words. Somebody needs to take the first step to break the deadlock, and that somebody, whether you prefer it to be or not, is you.
Thanks a lot for your reply. It's a really hard situation. I still don't know what to do. I've always said I don't want a relationship with a guy, but it's so different with him. And I always ignored the clues to just recently. What's really weird is that you can't tell he seems gay, only when you find out he doesn't date and his only girlfriend he had in junior year of hs? Coming out to him is not an option. If I were to come out it would be to my family first.
Coming out to him may not seem like an option; let's talk about that for a minute. Best friends, for most people, are often the BEST option to come out to, since they are usually your age, living in the same social context, and already very communicative with you; why do you feel like you cannot come out to him first, get his support, and then come out to your family later? Note that we aren't talking about your crush on him, only telling him about YOU, and then seeing what he thinks about that, and what he is willing to say about himself.
Because coming out is not an option for me, not for now. And isn't rule number one for condoms to never leave them in your car, since heat makes them go bad?
If coming out is not an option. And you don't care about sex as long as you spend your time with him. What is this thread about? You're already spending time with him, I even felt jealous reading about a bromance like this, so where's the issue? (Condoms mean nothing: My family suspects I'm gay so firstly my brother and now my father gave me condoms 'to always have with me', 'you never know when they might come in handy', 'we wouldn't want you getting a lady pregnant now would we, haha' I don't even have sex and I have boxes of condoms, lol)
I don't appreciate your reply. I'm being serious. I didn't say I didn't care about sex. Read it again so can you understand. I need to find out whether he feels the same or not, so I can approach, that without coming out. I'm not ready yet. There has to be a way I can find out for sure. That's the reason for the post.
Why don't you just ask him if he is gay? You can preface that it is totally OK with you if he is, but you have wondered, since he does not seem to date any women, if he feels more comfortable around men; also that it is OK if he doesn't want to discuss it with you, but you wanted to make it easier and more comfortable for him to "be himself" around you IF that is the case. People get asked all the time these days if they are gay when they don't seem to be falling into normal dating patterns. He doesn't have to answer you, and you don't have to come out to him to ask, it just makes it easier for him to reply in the positive if you do.
I'd try to let him know that you'd be cool with him being gay, without explicitly saying it. Coming out at the beginning is terrifying, imo, and any doubt at all that someone wouldn't be ok with it makes it nearly impossible. When I was out to very few people one of my best friends asked me how I was doing "with girls, or guys" as casual as you would ask anyone about about relationships, but that he mentioned guys as a possibility in such a casual way (he obviously knew, or at least suspected I was gay at this point) made me feel so much happier with telling him. I didn't at the time, I fumbled a reply about nothing much happening, but I told him maybe a few weeks later at which point he said he already pretty much knew anyway So yeah, I'd stop teasing him about girls. Firstly it's probably very awkward for him to answer, it definitely is for me when people ask me about girls. Secondly it implies that you think he's straight, and also that you're straight, when you both perhaps aren't. If you spend as much time together as you do, there must be opportunities for you to let him know you're ok with people being gay aka you're not at all homophobic; this will make it much easier for him to come out to you if he is in fact gay. It's about creating an atmosphere where he'd be comfortable to tell you, I suppose.
Hi shyguy, I'll try not to be an echo or what everybody else is saying. I am probably about 10 years older than you but believe it or not we are going through some very similar things. Feel free to read some of my recent posts to catch up- but in short I am crazy about a friend who I suspect may be in the closet. My friendship with him seems to have a lot with your friendship with this guy. I have no clue where my friend's sexuality lies, but there are certainly clues that your friend may not be straight... or he may be 100% straight and just shy and awkward. I can't say. What I'll say is that - if you really like him - and you really think he may be into you - you should bite the bullet and tell him you are gay... or bisexual.... or questioning... however you want to spruce it up. Believe me, I know where you are coming from. If 22-year-old me got this advice from someone 10 years ago, I would have scoffed at it. I would have never ever ever ever ever considered coming out a possibility. EVER! Even until recently I was pretty sure I wouldn't come out. The problem is I began to realize that the things that upset me now (with guys, the things that are upsetting you now) upset me when I was 19, and when I was 22, and when I was 26, and it wasn't changing. I'm only starting to come out now. I am not your typical gay guy. I came out to one of my housemates from grad school, who happens to be gay. He said that he hadn't ever really suspected too seriously that i was gay. We lived together for three years. Luckily, I think I'm still fairly young. I hopefully have lots of years ahead, but if you feel this way about this guy, give some serious consideration to coming out to him. Life is short... go big or go home! Now to take some of my own advice! Good luck to you. I hope nothing but the best possible outcomes for both of us!
great advice, thanks!! ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2014 at 02:42 PM ---------- thanks for the advice!
I think being up the gay topic seeing as you are such close friends Judge his response, he might be then be waiting for you to open up to him. Either way, unless you are never considering coming out, what harm could it do to tell him?
