The only reason I'm not out to everyone is because I don't want my parents to know. My parents are homophobic. They are constantly asking me about girls, they want to meet my friends and they ask in a suspicious tone why I spend so much time with them. My mom is really religious. Her sister has me on facebook, saw some comments from my friends, some gay jokes, suspected I'm gay, told my mom, and now I'm 20 years old and she already started asking for grandchildren! She says guys are not supposed to be together, she insists on meeting my gay friends, and when I tell her I don't want kids and she should go ask my older brother she insists that both of us HAVE to get married and HAVE to have children. When I was younger she told me how homosexuality is a sickness caused by a malfunctioning gene in our dna that appears once every 7 generations or something (I know, wtf). Growing up, I thought she became more acceptive: I once told her I've been bullied and been called a faggot, she was angry at the bullies, she said 'even if you were gay does that make you less of a person?' and I felt like she would accept me if I ever told her. Now, with her sister telling her stuff about me, she's become the same old puritan old woman she used to be and she's really not encouraging me to come out. My father is not very religious, but he's a father and you understand. We never really talk actually, he occasionally asks me how's my sex life going - if I have any questions (lol), and he lately says 'you and I need to have a talk' a lot, but the talk never happens and I'd avoid it anyway. I thought he was acceptive as he never made any comments and stuff, but when he found out I've been at a drag show (It was at a straight bar anyway, and it was just a drag queen DJ'ing and saying funny stuff through a microphone, nothing 'gay'), he said 'what are you a fag now?' and that really hurt me. My brother also has been going through my internet history, I don't watch porn, but he must have found EC or something else, and he asked me if I am bi, and it was really sudden and I told him I was asexual and not to bother me about my sex life again. Even my grandparents started giving me 'talks' the past year. As you can see, I feel like my whole family is against me, I feel discriminated against in my own home. Of course I live on my own now, I'm a university student, but each time I visit home (during Christmas/Easter vacation) it's the same story over and over. Summer vacation is approaching and I'm so tired of this situation. I'm not out on facebook because of my aunt and my dad who have me as a friend and won't let me unfriend them. I'm not out to my straight friends because my cousin is in our group and being a part of the family I can't risk her knowing. I'm actually only out to my gay friends (who my family hates without even knowing) and my internet friends, and I've come out to a few people at Uni where I live alone. Is it worth going through a coming out if I'm not even with someone, I abstain from sex, and they obviously won't accept me and even if they do things will never be the same? I was just waiting to finish with my studies, move out of the house and hopefully out of the country, and then tell them and never talk to them again. But with my aunt making everyone so suspicious (they already were but wouldn't pay so much attention, they didn't use to be so annoying), I don't think I can take this for many more years. Just writing this post gave me this heavy feeling in my throat, I feel so hated, and I hate what I am. I see people reluctant to come out to their crush or to their friends while their parents already know and I always wonder why. I mean you can get over a crush, you can choose your friends, but not your family. People afraid of random people knowing; you can risk anyone knowing, and it's actually no-one's business, except yours and your family's. I think the only people who can be disappointed in you for being gay are your parents, because they want you to give them grandchildren, and some tend to blame themselves for what you are. I hear of supportive parents and I always feel happy for the person telling me and at the same time jealous. I'm so lost, I'm sorry for the essay I just needed to get everything out, and I'll probably regret this thread the minute I click on submit.
If I'm being honest it seems like they might all suspect you anyway. Another thing is it's not really your families business if you're straight or gay, people come out so they can be open and don't need to hide. But don't feel like you need to give your parents grandchildren, I mean why would you?
While I realise this is addressing only the most minor problem you had, I can help with the facebook thing. On the left of the main screen you'll see a thing that says 'friends'. Click the 'more' button next to it. Takes you to a list screen. Create a new list and stick your dad and your aunt in it. Click 'manage list' and select choose update types. Remove everything from the list. In theory they won't see any updates you make ever again. There should also be a privacy setting that prevents your posts showing up on other peoples walls. Again, I realise that is probably the least of your problems but at least you wouldn't have to worry about hiding yourself online so much and they would never know about it.
So this is it? If they already know and no-one in my family shows the least bit of acceptance, then I'm really hated, and I should never come out and just leave forever? I don't want to have children anyway. Or get married. Even if I were straight. It's not their business as in they cannot tell me 'be straight!', but on the other hand it is their business because you know I'm their son and there's also a social stigma, coming from a homophobic country. Parents see you as their property, no matter how old you are, and when you don't do things as they wish or as they've pictured them in their heads you're a malfunctioning property, and they feel sad and angry. ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2014 at 03:47 PM ---------- Thank you I already tried this but they found out and started the 'what do you have to hide from us' speech! I don't use facebook to flirt anyway, it's just that the slightest thing I might do, even liking a guy's picture, they see it and I feel pressured under constant supervision--'
That's not necessarily the case, they might just not be mentioning it because you haven't. For example you never said how your brother reacted, you just said he asked you but then you shut him down out of shock. How did he ask you? Did he seem like he might be accepting of you? Ah I don't think your parents see your as their property, that seems like an impersonal way to look at their children. I'm sure they look at you with love, it's just that they probably want what they see as best for you.
