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Want to come out, waiting for the right time?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Donjo, Apr 28, 2014.

  1. Donjo

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    Hey,

    Obviously I'm new this forum but just wanted some advice. I was unable to find anyone in a similar situation.

    I have known I was gay since I was 14 and I am currently 23, work full time, study, pay my own bills, have my own car, however i still live with my parents. They provide a roof over my head. However in saying this I've spent majority (almost all) of my savings traveling, I have booked another holiday end of this year to New York which has eaten almost all of my money since my last holiday and I still need to continue saving for it so I'll have something to spend when I'm there.

    What I'm getting at is that, if coming out to my parents it could potentially do a 180. Should I wait until my financial situation improves until I come out? In case I need to find another place to live? Reason I'm asking is because its eating me inside not being able to tell anyone.

    As if coming out isn't hard enough, I also have a boyfriend who lives interstate which I will eventually need to tell them about as well. Did I mention he is 47? more then double my age (Not that I care what anyone thinks, but it wouldn't help my situation) which I could imagine may not sit to well. (Regardless if I was Gay or Straight) I fly to see him when I can and he fly's down to see me when he can, so not being out has made me blatantly lie about my interstate flights and city weekend stays.

    So far so good, we have a really good relationship and he is super supportive. He wants me to live with him interstate when the time is right. In saying this moving interstate is also massive task. I need to find a place to live, find a new job, move all my stuff etc.

    I'm faced with a few dilemmas.

    When should I come out? I know waiting for my finance situation to improve would be most practical in case the worst does unfold.

    If I could out should I mention I have a boyfriend that is double my age and lives interstate?
    Or should I wait until the dust settles?

    Should I hold it all in, save some money and move interstate then tell them once I'm settled?

    I suppose we aren't the type of family to just go sharing things like this, but in saying that I guess we are sort of close?

    All this shit has been playing on my mind, but even though it has been I know that I love my boyfriend and he loves me and at the end of the day I want to be with him.
     
  2. Alexandra18

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    reading this it seems that the whole coming out thing really eats away at your mind. If that's the case i think it's best to come out as soon as you feel ready to. If that is now, then now. BUT that being said, in the case that your parents kick you out, couldn't you stay at your boyfriends for a while?
     
  3. Donjo

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    Thanks for the reply,
    It is really eating at me.

    My boyfriend is interstate and currently has a house (which they bought together 15 years ago) with his ex, they have been broken up for 3 years but are now roommates so its a little complicated. He has an apartment which is currently tenanted and wants me to move in with him once the lease expires which wont be until Feb 2015. Am i going to have to suck it up and wait?
     
  4. themoose

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    You are in a similar situation to me. I have a partner who lives on the other side of the world now (14 hour flight away) so travel costs a mint, and when I do get to see him I used to have to make up excuses for my time away.

    I don't know what your parents perceptions are about homosexuality, but if you think that it is something they don't look fondly on then I would advise waiting until after you have moved out or at the very least have somewhere you can stay while they come to grips with the news. It's a tough situation, having to lie about it continuously, and it drove me nuts doing it for a year, but sometimes it's necessary (and to an extent I'm still questioning the wisdom of telling my parents about it).

    Also, at the start I wouldn't tell them about the age. It might freak them out even more. Let the dust settle from the initial g-bomb then drop the age in later.
     
  5. Donjo

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    Ok so I decided to tell my friend today out for coffee, naturally I had said I have something to tell you and of course the words didn't come out.

    She rang me later and said she was concerned and hoped nothing was wrong.

    I just dropped the gay bomb, didn't go around the round about and at that moment in time I think I put myself in more shock that I actually said it.

    Turns out she has a gay uncle and it was her wildest fantasy that I was gay, lol? She is super ok with it and it didn't phase her however being a girl she wanted to cry. (I think girls appreciate not that fact that you are gay, just the fact that you confided in them)

    As cliché as it sounds, it is a massive relief, it is worth it. I hope to tell more people eventually.
     
  6. Hyaline

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    It can't hurt to have your ducks in a row before saying anything to your folks. Curtailing your travel plans until you have a decent chunk saved up might not be a bad idea if you are really serious about being with him. The sacrifice in the short term may shape things for the next few years of your life.

    As far as telling your folks, if there is no urgency to do so, I'd wait. Going back to my comment about having your ducks in a row. It will only give you more support if for whatever reason they do a 180 on you....
     
  7. Yossarian

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    Tell them about being gay; hold the details about the boyfriend, unless you have to make emergency living arrangements, which probably isn't likely. Unless your parents are clueless, they probably have some notions about your sexuality already.

    You should also think about your priorities; spending all your disposable income on travel isn't the wisest thing for a 23 year old to do, when what you really need to do is secure your own residence. You are extending your dependence on your parents, which is not being very responsible, and creating some of the stress of living so close with them that you have to lie about who you are to them to maintain your dual lifestyle.