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Should I tell my dad?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Trentacles, Apr 28, 2014.

  1. Trentacles

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    Hey, so I'm basically out to everyone at this point, but I haven't told my dad.

    I don't know why I even care because he's not really in my life anymore (my parents are divorced and I don't see him ever), but part of me feels like I should tell him. But then I get to thinking he probably doesn't even care so I don't know what to do. Also I feel like people are going to suggest I write him a letter… I thought about that and really don't want to do that. Anyway… i don't really know what to do. Should I just skip telling him?
     
  2. stillhidden

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    If you think telling your dad will make you feel better, I would probably do it. What kind of reaction do you think he'd have? Would you even really care if he reacted poorly since you don't see him anymore? Basically, if you feel like you want him to know (even if he wouldn't really make any difference to your relationship), I'd probably tell him. But if you decide not to, that's totally fine as well.
     
  3. BelleFromHell

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    Well, if your dad isn't in a position where he can hurt you financially/emotionally, YES.
     
  4. Clay

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    If you don't see him then does it really matter? You could tell him for convenience sake but, coming from a situation similar to yours, my dads opinion on anything doesn't matter to me. If I told my dad I was gay he could say it's the best thing ever, or he could say it's the worst thing he's ever heard, it wouldn't make a difference either way.

    Really it depends on how much of an interest he takes in you. By the looks of it he takes very little. Why go out of your way to tell him, and take an interest in what someone who doesn't really care about you thinks?
     
  5. Trentacles

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    I honestly don't know why I care so much. I mean I haven't talked to him since I was little so I know he doesn't care about me so I guess it's stupid to even care about his approval. It just sucks because I really wish I had a relationship with him so I wouldn't be stuck here with my mum.
     
  6. BelleFromHell

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    It's natural to still care about him.

    My dad is a complete ass-wipe, and to this day, I feel guilty for not being the daughter he wanted, even though my parents divorced 14 years ago and he's had little to do with my life since then. :frowning2:
     
  7. Clay

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    Eh I know how you feel there.

    Basically the way I look at it is, say I knew where you lived, I could stop doing this and go write you a letter. I could give you a phone call. I could track you down on facebook and send you a message.

    Your dad hasn't done that. You're his responsibility, you're not just a random person, he's supposed to care about you. From his perspective doing anything, going to work, watching tv, browsing youtube videos, making a cup of coffee, scratching his balls, are more important to him than you are. You're his son and he could, at any moment, stop what he's doing and contact you. But he doesn't.

    Basically, despite being his son, he doesn't really care if you're alive or dead. You could try to build a relationship with him, but it's not your job to do that, it's his job.

    So should you tell him you're gay? It's up to you. Does it matter if he knows? I'd say not really. He has shown he cares very little for you, I doubt he'd care very much if you're gay.
     
  8. Trentacles

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    Yeah that basically sums up the how I feel about everything. Yay for daddy issues :-/ I just hate it because I'm not getting along with my mum at all right now and wish I had another parent I could go to and be like "can you talk to her for me?" or whatever.
     
  9. Clay

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    Yeah. I wish I could help you there but there isn't really much of an answer I could give. Mums can get kind of crazy sometimes and it's clear to see that without a second voice of reason they can just overreact to some things. But I always used to think "My dad can't be as bad as her" and then when I tracked him down on facebook (he was still married to my mum when he left us) he couldn't really care less.

    But you seem to have a good relationship with your brother. You can always talk to him about mum, you seem to be good allies with each other, and it looks like your mum actually does want what's best for you.
     
  10. themoose

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    Your mum is probably just taking time to adjust to the news. It may be worth waiting until things have settled down at home before you tell your Dad though - one parent going mad is one matter, but both parents is quite sucky (experience speaking here).
     
  11. Trentacles

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    I don't think i'm going to tell him at all.

    Also, I think my mum is somewhat ok with me being gay. She's just being unreasonable over a few things I got in trouble for

    ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2014 at 08:43 PM ----------

    She's way too f-ing concerned though. I got in so much trouble when she made me go through my mobile with her last weekend and it's like ugh why can't you just trust me but then she gets naffed about what i'm doing so it's this horrible cycle. I mean I guess I'm probably partially to blame but I feel like she's being unreasonable on some things.

    My brother has been surprising great about everything. We share a room and I was worried he was going to be weird about that but he's been fine. I've asked him to help with mum and his response is pretty consistently that he'll do what he can but he's not getting me out of shit that i get myself into and i suppose that's fair.
     
  12. Clay

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    Well a lot has happened to you in a short space of time, it makes sense for your mum to be worried. I mean you're having sex too and you're only 14, but I can't really say much there because I was too around your age.

    If you really think about it your situation is.. difficult to respond to. You'e both the same age and there's no risk of pregnancy, though it's technically illegal what you're doing, but I don't think either of you can be charged with anything. No one is getting taken advantage of by a predator either. So, from other peoples perspective, it boils down to whether or not they think you're too young. Your mum wants to protect you and, because of all those reasons above, she's basically powerless in this situation. She doesn't think it's healthy for you to be having sex at such a young age (which is understandable) which is why she's acting the way she is, among other things (possibly fear of you being bullied, possibly struggling to adapt to all these changes). These are probably the reasons your mum is acting like she is.

    As for your brother, he just sounds great, you're lucky to have him there.
     
  13. valerie247

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    My father isn't in my life either. I've purposely cut him out though. I don't intend to tell him directly, but I expect he'll hear it through the grapevine and I don't really care either way. If he's not in your life, do whatever you want. I'd rather not open the lines of communication with him, but that may not apply to you.