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Is it wrong to not come out to your parents first?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NicoletteChris, Apr 28, 2014.

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  1. NicoletteChris

    NicoletteChris
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    I'm talking family-wise, who you should come out first to in your family? I've already came out to my best friend but when it comes to my family I'm unsure.
    My parents are Christians and pretty borderline homophobic ( at least my mom is, as for my dad he's silent on those matters but they rarely come up for him to form a proper opinion on.)
    I'm had a lot of homophobic incidents with my mom in the past that have hurt me on a deep emotional level. Here's a few listed in handy list for:
    - Yelled "EWWWW" in the car when she saw two openly teenage lesbian girls kissing while we were driving to the mall.
    - Also said " EWWW" when she came into my room and saw me watching an episode of PLL where two girls were kissing.
    - One time we went to the mall and a gay man assisted my mom with making a purchase at H&M and when we came out she said in a derogatory way " he's one of THEM." I started crying because it hurt my feelings that my mom was treating gay people like a different race and when we got in the car she yelled at me that there was no reason to cry.
    - I have been told things by her such as, " WE DON'T HAVE ANY GAYS IN OUR FAMILY AND YOU WILL NOT BE ONE," " I want grandchildren," and also " Being gay is a chose."


    Now, I have higher hopes for my grandfather. One time we were watching the News and they were talking about Elton John and my grandfather said he believed gays were born that way but also I have no idea how he'd react to having a gay in our "perfectly" hetero family.
    I'm sorta closest to my aunt Scarlett and when I asked my cousin what her mom thought of gay people my cousin said " She doesn't really care, she let's them live their lives," when I asked my cousin if her mom was homophobic like mine.

    I'd feel more comfortable coming out to my aunt or grandpa, only issue is what if my mom finds out and becomes agitated that I didn't think she was the right person to tell first? I can only imagine her being all, " My own daughter didn't think I was good enough of a mom to tell her feelings to!"
    I'm not coming out anytime soon but I'd like to get some opinions.
     
    #1 NicoletteChris, Apr 28, 2014
  2. BelleFromHell

    BelleFromHell
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    Nope. I came out to my online friends long before I came out to my parents.

    I wanted them to never find out, but I haven't shown any attraction towards men in my life, so it was pretty hard to hide it... :astonished:

    Coming out to the rest of my family would be a death-wish...
     
    #2 BelleFromHell, Apr 28, 2014
  3. thedreamwatch

    thedreamwatch Guest

    There is nothing at all wrong with coming out to your parents after you've come out to others.

    Coming out to friends or family members that aren't your immediate family can be immeasurably helpful. They can ground you and remind you that there are people who are on your side and understand what you're going through and they can be ready to listen and support you in trying times.
     
    #3 thedreamwatch, Apr 28, 2014
  4. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    I think you should always tell people who will react best first. If you want to tell your aunt and grandpa first, do it, but make sure they know you haven't already told your parents. You might need their love and support after you tell your parents.

    When you are coming out always try to build up a good support network. These are the people you can turn to if you get a bad reaction..
     
    #4 PatrickUK, Apr 28, 2014
  5. OGS

    OGS
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    I think you need to do it in the order that feels comfortable. I told my parents first--not just in my family, but absolutely first. My understanding is that that is unusual but doing it in a different order didn't feel right for me.
     
    #5 OGS, Apr 28, 2014
  6. kyfry

    kyfry
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    I would try coming out to a friend or someone you know that doesnt have any problem with LGBT first so that way if you dont think your parents would accept you youd at least have someone who does and understands you. I first came out to one of my best friends who happens to be a lesbian so I knew she would understand.
     
    #6 kyfry, Apr 28, 2014
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