Hi everyone, For most of my life I've had an attraction to guys. I can remember in middle school being really attracted to my good friend and always feeling happy/lovey dovey when we hung out together. Some days when he wouldn't come to school I felt lost and completely sad that he wasn't around. That was the first real crush/infatuation that I can vividly remember, even though he was straight and never knew I secretly liked him. Currently I am a sophomore in college and am starting to confront my sexuality. I am in an honors program, I do well in school, and have a good set of friends, but do not always know how to express my feelings. I've been taught from an early age to keep problems to yourself. Right now my family is going through difficult financial times because my mom has been unemployed for five years and I am still paying for medical bills after a near-death auto accident I was in last summer. Everyday my parents fight over money and I've seen my mom fall into a borderline depression because she feels hopeless about her marriage and job situation. In addition to these worries and the stress of being a full-time college student, I'm gay. My older sister-who is openly gay- came out to my family before college and was completely shunned. My parents stopped paying for her tuition and denied her sexuality for years.We all talk and are all together once or twice a year, but my sister and parents have a fractured if not damaged relationship because of their views on homosexuality. I only learned of her sexual orientation before I left for college because she feared I'd shun her if she came out to me earlier. I'm now confronting my fears because being in the closet gives me a lot of anxiety. I hate going out to parties and seeing my friends with their girlfriends/boyfriends because it reminds me how alone I am. I'm tall, lanky, and bit awkward at times, so I'm not exactly a catch. Many times throughout the year I've felt hopeless and have cried myself to sleep feeling that one will ever understand who I really am. Not very manly, huh?This year I joined a popular improv comedy troupe on campus and got to know one of the actors very well. He's openly gay and is one of the most fantastic guys I've ever met. I always love being around him and wish I could spend everyday with him (I've even skipped class and other campus events just to be around him). We've talked about my sister and how our families are not accepting of homosexuality, but I can never work up the nerve to tell him or anyone that I'm gay because all I've known is rejection. I really haven't accepted it myself either. I've tried seeking counseling for some of my issues, but the sessions only addressed some of my concerns and I was too worried to completely open up. Does anyone here have any advice on what I could do to try and open up more. I don't think the guy in my improv troupe would ever like me enough to date me, but I need to accept myself someday before I completely fall into a depression. If anyone has some advice I would greatly appreciate it.Also, if you've made it this far down the message, thanks for your reading. You're a saint. God bless everyone!
step 1: tell a close friend step 2: tell your sister I personally used the "I Need To Tell You Something Important, But Need Your Help Saying It Out Loud Since It Is Too Hard" tactic, it might work for you too. Hope this helps All the best!
No one will ever understand who you really are unless you tell them; that is your responsibility; theirs is to deal with it reasonably, so you need to tell someone who will do so. It could be a close friend if you have one, but your sister should certainly be receptive and aware of how important it is to keep this information from your parents until you are ready to tell them. Once you tell her, which means that you have already accepted this fact yourself, then you may feel much more comfortable about telling your friend in the improv group, whether he feels like dating you openly or not; that is his decision to make, but he can't make it unless you tell him how YOU feel. As for being "tall and lanky" and that not making you a catch, there are plenty of gay guys would like you regardless of your size or self-perceived awkwardness. They would just be happy to know that you like them, and that would make you a "catch" for them. Give them a chance.
Thank you for the responses. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself and that accepting my sexuality is the first step in becoming a better person. I plan on telling a good friend before school is over, but I'm still summoning my courage to have the conversation. As for my "crush",I think I will try to focus on myself for now and worry about the other romantic stuff later. I can't really love someone until I love myself, so I'll hold off until I'm the person I know I can/should be. It's going to be painful, but I think for it's the best thing I can do. I appreciate everyone's candor and I'll try to keep you all posted.
try the counseling again, and be open and honest with them. anything they hear stays there. they cannot help you if you don't tell them the situation, and they usually know if your holding something back. ive been to enough counsellors over the years trying to save my marriage and i expect more as i move down this journey.
I plan on meeting with a new counselor this week and hopeful will gather the courage to talk with a good friend also.
