Please, help me

Sounds to me like you need to get away from your household ASAP. There are a few options you can choose from, though I am not sure which would be the most reasonable. That's something you will have to decide for yourself based upon what you are/are not able to do. Your mother has made you fear coming out to your family because you knew how'd she react for too long. Don't let her waste any more time of your life.

a. You say that you and your boyfriend have known each other for a long time now, and that you are in love. He is also out to his parents, and from what it seems like, they are supportive towards him. If that is the case, perhaps you move out of your house and go live with your boyfriend? That's something you'll have to discuss with him, because you'll need to know if his parents would allow that (if he lives with his parents).

b. Tell your dad, and let your parents know that nothing they say or do will change who you are. If it comes to it, give your parents an ultimatum - tell them that the choice is theirs: you either accept me for who I am or you lose your son.

 

I think that you need to consider your priorities. So lets make a list.

1. Your safety: Nothing, not family or boyfriend, comes before your own physical and mental safety.

2. Your future: Once your immediate safety is secure, you have to look to your long-term safety. That means a house, a job, education.

I know you are in pain, and I know you are in love, but these two things must come before all else. If losing your parents will mean losing either of these, do whatever you need to do to placate them for now. If necessary, tell your mom that you were wrong and this was just a phase. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will understand and support you in doing what you need to do is order to be safe. Then, arrange to no longer be reliant on your parents. Move out. Get a job. Finish your schooling. Become self-sufficient. Then you can love your boyfriend openly and happily and forever. And know to that we love you. You sound like a great guy and so does your boyfriend. I'm happy for you that you found each other. Good luck.

 

I will concur with @elishe248. With that said, do not feel that you should have to negate your true feelings or true self. There is nothing wrong with you or what you are feelings, it is an immense gift to know yourself and let yourself feel love and loved. However, as you said your parents are funding your future, take advantage of this. It is not worth putting your safety and future at risk right now. You and your boyfriend can work this out if it has any lasting value and foundation -- it should be mutual respect, love, and care for each other. This is important for you. His parents know and are OK -- you and him have to deal with the reality of your parent's coming to terms with this.

As for your parents, I am truly sorry you have to experience this. My advice to you is to try and put yourself in their shoes. I am not condoning their reaction or actions, those are unfair to you and just simply inconsiderate of you. However, please consider studying and understanding their behavior from the lens of an objective outsider, perhaps pretend you are a psychologist and are analyzing this situation. Parents often project their intentions, their perceptions, on us as kids -- we also do this to everyone else in our lives. Many times these ideals or ideas in our head about reality or people are not as accurate as we would like to think. When we find ourselves with a conflict between our perception or ideals and how reality turns out to be, we do not like this and we rebel at it. Your mother is experiencing that right now.

To summarize:

(1) Accept reality as it is and work with it -- do what is best for YOU.
(2) You are beautiful and it is equally magnificent and special that you are your boyfriend have found each other -- enjoy that feeling and experience. Do not ever question whether there is something wrong with you. Love yourself and build a strong support network (here is a good start, but seek out people you trust or perhaps support groups in the area).
(3) Keep talking to us.
(4) Remember that this is not the end of the world and things WILL change and get better. Situations will change. Do what you need to go, get good grades, and excel so that you can gain more independence and support yourself and not worry about being at the will or mercy of others, in this case your parents and their reactions or accept/non-acceptance of your actions. You are an adult but refer back to #1 and the prior advice on not sabotaging your own future.
(5) If it gets violent or there is harm to you because of this, GET OUT. Again, your personal safety and well-being is primary here.

Oh yea... (&&&)

You'll be fine. You are alive -- and all the pains, struggles, and love is part of this. Enjoy that you can feel and experience and be alive. Take a deep breath, smile, stretch, laugh, and appreciate this roller coaster ride.

 

Do you think it would help if some of us here wrote anonymous letters to your parents, by posting them here for you to give to them, to try and explain to them that this is not some choice you are making about your sexuality, but that it is a part of you and will never change? And explain that they are damaging you by their actions to try and force you to go against your natural feelings and sexuality? That there is nothing "wrong" with you, only that you are wired differently from most other people and that what is right for the majority of people would be disastrous for you and the woman you tried to marry and pursue a heterosexual relationship with? I think some people here could do this most eloquently if it would help.

 

First, I just came back from Croatia … and love it !!!

Second.. if you are 20 you are an adult and able to make life decisions without "approval" of your mother

Third, your mother is in denial. But she will agree in the end when she has had time. Don't let her destroy your friendship with your BF

Be careful with your tactics and timing .. if the parents make you leave and you have nowhere to live, or money, that would be a big problem !!

 

Here is the letter I would send to your parents; feel free to use it as you wish. Best wishes for a good outcome for you. -- Yossarian

Dear Parents,

Your son tells me that he is gay and that he has told you this, trying to be honest with you about himself, but that you think that he is choosing to be gay and all he has to do is choose to be straight instead. As any of us who are can tell you, this is not something you can choose or disown. It is the way you are born to be. The best way I can explain this is for you to consider how you felt when you were his age. You probably were attracted to men, without understanding why you felt this way. When you would see a handsome man you wanted to be with him, and wanted him to want to be with you. Some men, perhaps your husband, you were particularly attracted to, and he to you. You did not choose to feel this way, you simply were attracted to him in a way that you could not explain to anyone. You enjoyed his company and he yours. You enjoyed doing things with him and probably wanted to hold him in your arms and have him hold you. You wanted to spend your life together with him and raise a family with him.

This is the way your son feels about his boyfriend. He enjoys spending time with this other man. He wants this man to be with him. He does not know why he feels that way, but he does feel that way. In the same way that you were attracted to men, your son feels an attraction to men. He can no better explain WHY he feels this way than you can explain WHY you felt a love for men, but he knows that he does. He wants to spend his life with a man, just as you did, knowing that this is what is right for him.

When a person is gay, it is very important that they meet and partner with another person who they feel this same kind of love about as you did for your husband. For reasons that no one knows, this need is only met by a person who happens to be of the same gender as they are. They do not choose to feel this way, but they do realize that that is how they are born to feel about other people. If they were to try and feel the same way about a woman, they would find that as impossible as it would be for you to feel that kind of love and connection to a woman; they simply are not "made" to feel that way.

Because we gay people are different from straight people in whom we find ourselves attracted to, it is very important that we partner with people who are also gay, because these are the only people who can truly understand how we feel about each other. We can never forge this kind of a bond with a woman, just as you could not do so. When your son sees his boyfriend, who is also gay, he sees someone who feels and thinks like him, who understands him, and who can love him because of their mutual attraction. If you try to force him to deny his feelings and pretend to care for women, you are compelling him to misrepresent himself to her in order to appease you or your husband and live his life as a lie. He naturally resents this and only wants you to show him love and understanding of how he was born to be, which only he knows, and has been honest about this to you instead of lying to you and pretending to be something he is not.

None of us CHOOSE to be gay. Our lives would be much simpler and easier if we were born to be straight as about 95% of the population is. The reality is that about 5% of the people in the world are born gay. This is more than people who are born with red hair, so it is not "unusual" or "abnormal", it is just how some of us are, including your son. You should not be that concerned or upset because this is how he happened to be born to be. Millions and millions of other people are the same way, so he will be able to find someone who shares this trait to live a long and happy life with. You should also not be "ashamed" of him, because he is doing nothing wrong by being gay. He is only living his life as it must be lead to make sense for him and his chosen partner.

Your role as a good parent is to understand that this is not a choice he has made, but how he came out of your womb to be. It is not your fault or his that it was his fate to be gay, but because he is, it is very important that you understand and support him. He IS going to have a more difficult life than your other children because of this. Some not very nice people will dislike him because he is gay, simply because he is different from them; usually these are the most ignorant and intolerant people in the community, not those who have educated themselves to understand what it is to be gay, and to accept gay people as their equals. Because of this prejudice and the difficulties he will face, this makes it even more important that you and his father show that you understand the difficulties he will face and and be there for him as the loving parents he can turn to when other people are cruel to him. This is what parents are supposed to do; to show unconditional love to their children to help them face the difficulties they will face in the outside world, and provide a safe and loving home which the children can return to to renew their strength when the outside world treats them badly and unfairly.

I have read things your son has written that concern me about how helpless and depressed he sometimes feels because of the resistance you are showing to his being gay. While he seems to be handling the pressures you are putting on him, this lack of support, and particularly pressuring him to be something he can never be can sometimes caused severe depression which becomes overwhelming to a young adult. Depression due to sexuality issues and stresses is a major cause of suicide attempts in young gay people. As a parent, I would urge you to watch a movie made about a mother who tried to force her son to "not be gay", as though he could "pray the gay away". She was supported in doing this by her church and eventually made life so unpleasant for her son that he moved away from home to avoid her. After being made to feel so bad about himself and his gayness, he eventually was overcome by his inability to please his parents and deal with his situation and killed himself. The rest of the movie describes how she came to understand how wrong she had been to try to change him instead of supporting him through his difficulties, when he desperately needed his parents to help him. This movie is named "Prayers for Bobby" and is a professionally made movie done with first quality actors which anyone can enjoy, even if the situation described does not apply to their family. In the case of a family with a gay child, it is very helpful to understand what the child is feeling and to see how they can help rather than further injure their gay child. I urge you to try and watch this movie, preferably with your son if possible, and to talk about it with him afterwards. He needs your support and understanding, and this movie will explain what your role in providing that support can be, and how important it can be that it be done.

I wish you the best in helping your son deal with his problems and urge you to seek additional information about what it means to be "gay" and how a gay child's parents can help their children survive and thrive in spite of the additional difficulties they will face in life.

His friend, Yossarian

 

Hey Nathand.

I'm going to try and not repeat what others have said, though I largely agree with most of it.

On the boyfriend front: If at all possible he should begin making plans to move closer to you so that you can finish school. He should begin looking for a job in your area, and with your job you both can rent an apartment together and jointly cover expenses. From everything I've read about long distance relationships, the key to making them work is having a plan in place to be together in the future. Knowing that there is a time frame involved helps make it feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

On the family front: Your mother is a major problem, obviously, but if you think your father will kick you out and cut off support that's an even bigger problem. You are in a difficult position because you're financially dependent upon them. You need the money they offer for your future.

Her saying ridiculous things like: "you're killing me, you're killing our family" and other such things are all attempts at emotional blackmail. Since she thinks you are choosing to be gay, she's attempting to blackmail you into choosing to be straight. The issue you face at the moment, is whether or not she'll tell your father.

If she's trying to persuade you not to tell him, then that's a good sign. That means she'll likely also keep her mouth shut. However, if she's threatening to tell your father (as a threat or an attempt to blackmail you) then you can turn the emotional blackmail back on her. Accuse her of trying to ruin the family. Talk about your father's illness, and claim that if she tells him she'll kill him, and his blood will be on her hands. Use whatever leverage you need, and every dirty manipulative tactic you can think of to keep her mouth shut.

That may sound cruel, but what's even more cruel is the reality of you losing your education because your parents are bigoted against gay people. You don't want to be fucked over because of them, and so you need to put what is best for you before what is best for them.

Work as hard and as swiftly as you can to get your own place. Tell your Dad it's because you want more freedom and independence, and that you want to have some experience of living on your own... or whatever other excuse would seem to make him happy.

You don't have to mention anything about your boyfriend to them, but if your Dad happens to meet him then he's your roommate.

Once the final check is cashed, and you are no longer dependent upon your parents - then you can tell your father.

What happens if your mother tells your father: Well, you can't stop her from doing it if she's determined to do it. So you'll just have to live with the consequences. The goal with your boyfriend should still be the same.

I am unsure how student loans work in your country, but you might be able to take some out and pay for your own education. It will be expensive, but that's generally how things are done in the United States. People take out student loans and pay them off later after they have a job. On the bright side, you'd only be paying for what your parent's haven't already paid.

Whatever happens, you have to finish your schooling. That's not even an option. As horrible as it sounds, it's better to lose your boyfriend than to lose your education. You can find another boyfriend, that's a certain thing. You will struggle to find a better future. Abandoning your schooling to move closer to him is a horrible idea, that will cost you too much. He should instead be planning to move closer to you so that you can finish school.

 

He doesn't have to relocate before finding a new job. He can search for a job in your area, secure that job, and then relocate to the new job. We're not talking about relocating within the next week or two - maybe three, four, maybe six months down the line.

He has his current job and the experience he's earned from it, so he can look for another job in the same field. Maybe one that even pays a bit more.

You don't have to give anything up, so long as your mother doesn't tell your father, and he doesn't react the way that you fear he might. What your parents do or say is on them, you're not responsible for their feelings or opinions. They are responsible for their own actions and words.