I'm a fourteen year old closeted gay. Im not quite shure who to come out to, or even who to ask for advice. I am attracted to my best friend, the thing is is that he always "flirts" with me jokingly but sometimes im not shure, all the girls at school are drooling over him. He is extremely confident and comfortable with himself and i believe that, that allows to pretend the way he does. Also at school they don't know that i'm gay they just think that i am diffrent and energetic. So i was wondering what should i do about him. Keeping this secret is extremely painful, it feels as if everything has changed for the worst. It bothers me a lot im hardly able to focus. this is all i think about now. Thank You
First of all, dont feel pressured to come out, you dont have to rush if it isn't becoming a problem yet. but otherwise, I suggest getting a feel for how open those around you are. figure out who wouldnt mind, and especialy a person who you can talk to. A big problem of being closeted is not being able to talk about things on your mind.
In teh first place, Welcome to empty closets. Most of the people here, if not everyone, can understand perfectly the feeling of being closeted, for at some point in our lives we've all been in the closet. As coming out can be a great experience, it can also be a bad one, specially if you do not choose wisely who you come out to first. If you want to see the bright side: I don't think at 14 I was sure of my sexuality, and that made it harder for me. It took me about 5 years to come to terms with it. If you accept yourself, even though having a crush can be painful (yeah, I know!!!), you will be happy with yourself. Also, as hawkeye said, trying to find someone trustworthy you can talk to is a good idea, we are all here for you, and ready to help you in the full extent of our ability, but nothing, and trust me when Isay this, nothing can replace one on one, face to face talk with someone that cares for you. Just try to find a way to be comfortable with yourself, the rest will come on it's own.
Don't come out if you don't want to. There is no rule for when you have to come out. Now that you have this community, you'll have some form of release. As for your attraction to your friend, I'm suer we've all been there at some point. Ask yourself this - would you rather have him as a friend, or not at all? Despite the fact that he is a good friend, there is a chance you telling him your feelings for him could alienate him and push him away. I'm guessing he is about your age - homosexuality is probably something a little "taboo" (for lack of a better word) for him. To absorb that you are gay AND that you like him could be too much. I would suggest to test your ground for a while, see who you feel comfortable telling, and then find someone (even if it's only one person) who you can vent to or talk with about stuff. Don't hesitate to post more questions - there are lots of great people here that want to help you. Oh, and welcome to the boards! :smilewave
One thing to remember is that, especially on this forum, it seems like everyone is in love with their best friends or one of their friends. And that's not at all weird--we tend to fall for the people we hang out with. You say you feel like things have taken a turn for the worse. Why is that? I'm not trying to be dumb here; it might be a good idea for you to sit and think about why you feel like things have gotten worse. So you have a crush on your friend. So you have a secret. It doesn't have to be a huge awful thing if you keep it in perspective. Lots of people have secrets, and lots of them have the same one you do. Not to say that you should be running around thinking how wonderful it is that you're gay but it doesn't have to be a downer 100% of the time. It must be tough, though, if your friend is flirting with you and you secretly have a thing for him. You should get him to stop. This is most easily done by saying funny/arch things like, "I don't like people who flirt when they don't mean it" or "I think I'm too high maintenance for you... I expect lots of expensive gifts and trips and you are definitely going to be picking up the tab whenever we go out" or "When are you picking me up for the school dance? I expect a limo, just so you know." Usually the key to changing these kinds of situations is not to let on that you find it uncomfortable (because lots of people have little self-control and will tease you even more if you let on) but to turn the tables on him and make him feel uncomfortable it. True, that's a little bit devious/manipulative and psychological warfare-like but hey, all's fair in love and war. Just some ideas to consider... it's also good to realise that very often, especially in high school, the people who seem the most confident are the least sure of themselves; they've just learned how to project the right vibe.
I also agree that it would be a lot for him to handle if i were to come out and express my feelings. The problem is the only two people i have come out to are both female so they keep telling me to go for it but i am hesitant because they have not undergone the same expeirence as a guy would.
Well you could just tell him you like guys and see what happens. If you're relatively confident he won't blab it to everyone, that is.
honestly i dont think he would handle it well, and one of the people who i thought of as extremely supportive just told me she "hates the fact im gay"
Oh... well, that can mean a lot of different things, although it is a pretty lousy thing to say. You should definitely ask her what exactly she meant by it.
what is she jelous of? you are gay... it's not like you are going to steal her boyfriend... the guys that will like you most likely won't like her in the same way... so... what is there to be jealous abaout?... or is it the fact that society won't ever fully accept you? or perhaps the fact that you have to go through the pain of coming out to your family? oh, yeah, I'm sure she envies that!!!
