OK so here is the story so far well i thought i liked girls until middle school then i started to look at guys and well i just saw them as cute sometimes but i thought it was just a phase. Then i met a Gay guy at my school and we became friends and started to talk more and more and eventually the subject of being gay came up. I asked him when he knew he was gay and he said it was when he started to crush on his best friend. Then i realized that liking guys was not just something that was going to pass because i had had a crush on my best friend for about a year. So i told him about it and he said that i should just think about it. At this time most of my friends began to ask if i was gay because well...i am kinda girly. Also my best friend and me got into a fight about something that he sad i did and i did not do so he just sorta drifted away and my new best friend, a girl, and me began to hang out more and more. After about a month i talked to my gay friend again and said i was a gay and he said "I so knew it" then i began to tell my friends and so on and so far no one is against it in fact, most thought i was gay all along. Then i told the sister in my family that i get along with the best and she was fine with it. There is a problem though, my mom is anti gay (w have never gotten along well) and my dad i am unsure about because he does not discus views. My parents want me to talk about girlfriends and stuff but well, i dont have one and one be getting one as you can tell. So i am just unsure about what to do about the whole thing. Any ideas about coming out to parents?
ask your sister? just because she is able to assess the situation and can give you informed advice - im not trying to brush you off in any way..
Hi there and welcome to EC! Coming out to our parents is one of the hardest things to do. Parents can react in a number of ways. Parents have their own dreams for their sons/daughters and it can be a surprise or shock for them. Becky (one of our EC moms) once said that parents come out as well. It is true. They have to adjust and accept it as well. Having said that, I think it is important that before you come out to your parents that you ask yourself if you are ready for this step. Sometimes it is better to take it slow and make sure that we are ready for it. Given that you have never gotten along well with your mom, talk to your dad first. Before coming out to him, try to find out what his views are on the subject of homosexuality. You could bring something up that you have seen on television or something you have read to see how he reacts to it. If you see that he might be accepting and supportive come out to him. He might also be able to provide valuable help and support when you do decide to come out to your mom. At the same time, it is the case that although parents often exhibit homophobic view points, they will change their views upon learning that their son or daughter is gay. Sometimes it takes a while longer for them to come around to it or to accept it, but they will eventually. From your post it sounds that your have accepted your sexual identity which is an important step as it will allow you be securer to come out to your parents and prepare yourself for answering questions that your parents might have. I think it is good that you have stated to build a support network, which again is important as it can help you in become comfortable about yourself, and is a great resource on which you can draw on. However, I would still take it slow. If you feel that something is not right take a step back. Follow your instincts on it. Also, before you come out to your parents, get some PFLAG material for your parents to read just in case. If you want feel free to contact Becky and I am sure she would be more than happy to help you in getting some of the material. Feel free to stick around on EC. Read some of the coming out stories and get to know us. You will get there. Hope this helps!
Try to understand how your father feels towards homosexuality before coming out to them. You should have at least one supportive parent. Ask your sister if she knows, talk to your dad first, then your mom, or do it slowly. Don't rush into telling them before you're ready. If you've never gotten along with your mom then you can't expect a good reaction from her. As for your father, you don't sound terribly close, so it depends on his views towards homosexuality. Like I said, you may want to tell him first, then your mother. If they're pressuring you to talk to them about girlfriends, then they may be suspicious of your orientation already. Don't assume they are though. You can try coming out with the letter approach, or doing it with words (which can be harder, but may illicit a better reaction). Have some PFLAG materials for them to read, and don't expect acceptance all at once. It may take them some time for the information to sink in. Be prepared for denial, shock, shame, and any number of negative emotions. Good luck, and let us know if and when you decide to go through with it.
Coming out to your parents is I believe the hardest people to come out to. I guess because well for me it was a fear of losing them. I would talk to your sister because she could be the most help to you in trying to determine how your parents will react. What has your mom done to make you think she is anti gay? Sometimes parents can appear to be and then when you come out to them they can learn to be supportive. Another thing can I ask how old you are? If you are older maybe you would feel more comfortable waiting until you are financially independent? Feel free to PM me. Sam
Welcome to EC! Do talk to your sister. She'll probably have another fairly good take on both your parents, whether they're ready for the news, and how best to approach them. As someone else pointed out, your age will have a lot to do with this. If you're "out of the house" and on your own, there can't be many repercussions if they take it poorly. If you're still living under their roof, there might be. So that'll be a factor as well. Most homophobia comes from ignorance. I honestly can't recall meeting any homophobic people who said, "You know, I used to know a lot of gay people, but they were all such awful people, so I just decided to cut them off." Rather, homophobes tend to have NEVER met (knowingly) any gays. And it's easy to make fun of, ridicule, or feel superior to a group of people when you've never met any. It's once you've met one, and gotten to know them, that these beliefs are challenged. It's probable that your mother is anti-gay simply because she doesn't know any, and has no idea one is living (or has lived) under her roof. So don't feel your mother is necessarily a lost cause. Lex
