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I want to come out, guilty about "lying"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ItsChris, May 2, 2014.

  1. ItsChris

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    Hi. I have recently realized i was gay, and after months of analyzing things and a little spike of depression because of it, i have come out to myself. Other people tho, i'm pretty scared, even having dreams about telling my mom. What sucks is that It took so long to realize i was gay, that i have technically lied about my sexuality. One example is when i was going to hang up a John Cena poster in my room. My mom asked if i was gay. I said no. My back story with sexuality is pretty much me being in denial about some feelings. I was put on medicine for my hormones at birth, so after being taken off of it in middle school, by the time i got to high school, i never got puberty. I was oblivious to so many things like masturbating (except 2 times where i took my bros porn while he was sleeping and the moment i saw the V's i was disgusted, and just fooled around, and fapping to leave it to beaver movie, during a pool party scene) and girls. I mean i liked them, but only for those, "you're supposed to like them" reasons. I was put on this testosterone gel at around 19-20, and it pretty much gave me my puberty. I was still "straight" then and liked girls cause i'm supposed to. I'm a pretty laid back guy, so i never thought about sexuality. So after a month or 2 of the gel, i had fantasies at work about pretty much having sex with every female co-worker i saw(unlucky for me the girl i had a crush on was not there). I gave up on the gel, cause it pretty much stopped working, and after such big results like practically giving me puberty, i ended it. By the time i started my second job, I was still "straight" liking girls cause you know. I had a few crushes, but my crushes were pretty much girls that complemented my style. After two years, I became good friends with this guy. My mom jumps the gun and asks if i like guys. I say no, although at this point i'm still oblivious to sexuality. Not as if i woke up with a sudden change, but i started to think guys were hot, and this happened in high school too where i would admire a guy from afar, but my excuse being that the guy was cool and i envied him. I had a big crush on MJ too. Then there where times i would fap to gay fantasies and stuff. I did it so often that i joined here just to find out if this meant i was gay. Got a lot of help, did some soul searching and here i am, Knowing full well that i am gay. Looking back, i should have explored this earlier and the two incidence with my mom would not exist. Yesterday, we have a nice little talk. She brings up the subject of dating. She pretty much thinks i'm straight because of the other two times. I say yeah i wanna date, and she brings up chicks so much to the point that i'm biting my tongue as if i'm trapping the words "i'm gay" inside. I feel like this coming out will be hard now because she thinks i'm straight and it's all my fault. I know she wouldn't care. I have 3 gay cousins and she is not homophobic, besides not liking too much exposure to kissing and stuff. I need help, I wanna tell her but how?
     
  2. TheFSM

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    Hey nothing is your fault. Some people take more time than other to find out their sexuality. just come out when you can. I guess the only thing I can tell you is that It will probably be okay. I mean your mom seems to be pretty open minded. I think she will understand that you were struggling. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. Yossarian

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    With a screwed up endocrine system like you had, you certainly aren't "too late" in terms of the emergence of your sexuality, and do not have to apologize about "lying" about your sexuality. Everyone has their own timetable regardless of their hormones, so just tell her when you feel you can't hold it in any longer and don't regret that you weren't prepared to do it any sooner.
     
  4. piano71

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    What jumps out for me is that your mom seems to have this preconceived notion that you are gay. I wouldn't think one movie star poster and one same-sex friend (without 'benefits') reveals a clear pattern of same-sex attraction.

    Were there other things that led her to believe you like guys?

    If you do have the conversation, I'd recommend saying that you didn't set out to deceive, and didn't fully understand your feelings / attractions those previous times.
     
  5. ItsChris

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    Thanks for commenting. I don't think she ever suspected me other than those 2 times. I can see where she was coming from with my friend, i bought him a birthday gift and we weren't that close. I'm sure my brother thinks it too. I watched another gay movie, the L word(one episode just to test it out) and the kids are all right on Netflix, And he saw that in the history. I also click off sites when he enters my room, so he caught on that i was looking at something private(one of those times i was on EC, another while watching coming out videos). He does this raising eyebrow thing at me because of it. My dad, another story, never had reason to ask me if i was, cause he asked me a few times if i liked someone at work/school and i would tell him. He even knew about a work crush i had cause we worked in the same building. I told him i was bi like a month before he died earlier this year, but now i feel bad cause that wasn't true. I whispered it to him, and i'm not sure if he understood me(he was out of it at the time).

    ---------- Post added 2nd May 2014 at 08:46 PM ----------

    Sorry to double post but thanks everyone for the advice.
     
  6. Monraffe

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    You are being way too analytical about this. Forget about the past, it's irrelevant at this point. You not going to date your mom so stop worrying about what she thinks. You need to start experiencing guys.