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Sister problems.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by yahooooo, Aug 3, 2008.

  1. yahooooo

    yahooooo Guest

    Hey,

    Okay - so I could really do with some help concerning my sister.

    My sister and I have, lets just say for now a difficult relationship. She is 8 years older than I am and we haven't lived together for what must be about 8 years. She lives in another country now so I haven't seen or spoken to her for quite a number of years too. I tried getting into contact via e-mails a while back, but that broke down after only 2 weeks or so.

    She is practically a stranger to me and however guilty I feel about it, I really don't like her at all. Whenever we see each other she always manages to upset me. She is incredibly oppinionated about everything and will try to force those oppinions onto anyone who doesn't agree, making them seem wrong and feel tiny. She is always right and doesn't seem to think twice about telling you that, because you don't agree you are wrong and stupid. There is no point trying to argue as it isn't worth the time or effort and however hard I try, it always upsets me.

    All my memories of her from when we were younger are very negative. She was a very difficult teenager - drinking, smoking, getting banned from pubs, having much older boyfriends, dissapearing by the age of 14/15. Her and my parents used to shout and argue constantly over everything and I have so many memories of being petrified by the noise. I used to look up to her so much as I was very young and would try to do anything to make her notice and like me, but she was always so horrid. She constantly told me really hurtful things that I still remember today and basically, excuse the language but it is the most appropriate word - was a bitch.

    Also, due to the obvious pain that she caused my parents I spent my entire childhood telling them I would never grow up to be like that and that I would be good for them. Because of this I still feel like I can't dissapoint my parents so I have always tried very hard at school, never gotten into drinking or taking drugs and basically always tried to be good for them. Now though, I can't help but feel that due to all these percieved expectations of me being the "good" child that I have missed out on what you are suppossed to do as a teenager. I know this is very simplistic of me - but I blame her for the fact that I feel the need to fulfill my parents expectations and to be sensible. I wish I could let go, do the whole teenage thing but I can't. I blame her for the fact I put so much pressure on myself. Ironically my mum even made a comment about "had she not been there then maybe you would have been into the whole teenage/drinking thing" - totally oblivious to the fact I envy the freedom she had to do that as I feel so restricted by the expectation that I am the good kid.

    There is so much emotion that comes with her - blame for all the pressure I feel under, pain from all the bad memories and from all the hurtful things she has said, and also a guilt that comes from the fact I don't really like her and am quite happy not really having much of a relationship with her. But I feel so bad about that.

    I cannot even try to talk about how I feel about her without crying because I find it all so hard and there are so many pent up emotions that I have never really spoken about. The ironey is that we know so little about each other yet she seems to have shaped so much of my life.

    Usually I just ignore all these feelings and emotions and don't talk about her as we live on oppersite sides of the world - but here is the difficult bit, she is coming home in December to stay with us for the first time in a quite a few years.

    I need to get over the guilt and all the confused feelings but I don't really know how. I am scared of seeing her as there is something I need to tell her that she is going to hate and I know there will be a severe backlash of "what an evil person I am". Telling her I am gay will be a dodle compared to this. It's just so difficult as we are so different yet she is a part of my life I have to put up with. She has caused so much pain to me that I have never told my parents or any other family member and I really want to get over the almost hatred I feel.

    Sorry this is so long - I just need to get over some of this before we are faced with a family reunion. :help:
     
  2. berileos

    berileos Guest

    I know it's hard for you to forget all the pain,but try to imagine she is a completely new person,a total stranger and try to start all over.Share the things you never had a chance to talk about...it is hard,but it's not impossible...
     
  3. Derek the Wolf

    Full Member

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    Okay, let's tackle this in steps.

    Don't try to build a "normal" brother-sister relationship. That's not really an option considering your childhood. However, I would try to tell her that you're gay before she comes to see you, so she has some time to process the information before you see her. Remember, when she was younger, she may not have realised the impact of what she said to you. Now, with her being older, she's probably gonig to be a little more understanding of your situation. Don't feel pressured to tell her though. You may not be ready by when you see her in December, in which case you can hold on to this information a little longer. Try to get on better terms with her when you see her, and tell her after she's left. Just make sure you're ready when you tell her.

    Second, you need to let go of your emtions. The more feelings you hold inside without any kind of release, the worse your going to feel lugging them all around. Let her know how you feel, and tell your sister what she did to you while you were growing up. She may not feel sorry or sympathetic, but she should be able to understand. Talk to anyone you can about your feelings: close friends, teachers, coaches, etc. Even if you don't tell your family about your pent up feelings, you're going to feel a lot less burdened once you tell someone. Anyone.

    Lastly, don't avoid telling your parents because of the burden that you're supposed to be "the good kid." Hiding who you are from them on the pretense that they'll react badly will only cause even worse reactions down the road. It may take them some time to get used to the idea, and they may initially be very upset, but you do need to tell them at some point. However, once again, don't try to tell them before you're ready. Because you've been "the good kid," they may in fact be more accepting of your homosexuality. I'm sure your father particularly will be upset, shocked, and in denial initially. However, you're coming from a good angle here (as you personally don't have any real problems with your parents, even if your family isn't the closest bunch). This is one of those things they're gonna find out eventually, so you should be the one to tell them, but like I said don't rush it.

    Good luck getting your emotions and family situation in order. It may take some time. Let us know how things turn out. (*hug*)
     
  4. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    Derek gave you some really good advice. Just try to remember that there is a big difference between a 16 year old (the last time you lived with her, right?) and the 24 year old she is now. She could have changed quite a bit. Try to start fresh with her. You may never be close but you can be civil. (*hug*)
     
  5. jony8472

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    Hey, I'm Jon, and I'm going to try to help you with some of this...

    Mkay, I see a couple of things you might consider trying...

    First, I think a lot of teens go through really rebellious phase, so maybe your sister will have changed so I reckon you gotta try talking to her again. I mean, if she's a stranger... what can go wrong with just talking.
    The hurtful things could've been because she was acting out as well.

    Ahh, yes, sibling pressure. I can relate to this bit of your issue (but for the exact opposite reason). I've got two older sisters (9 and 11 years) and they always grew up what seems like perfectly, and my mum always says (when I do something wrong) 'Your sisters never did that.' This has forced me to try and live up to everything they did, and it's really worn at me, until I realised I'm not perfect, I'm gonna make mistakes (I'm growing up, I'm gonna make a LOT of mistakes.)
    But they'll still love me afterwards, I know that, and I hope your parents are like that too, because it's impossible not to make any mistakes, so just try your best, and make sure your parents know you're trying your best!

    Now, back to your sister, all the guilt and stuff? Try talking through it with her. Just get it all out there and talk it all through. Gay... that's completely up to you. I mean, if you feel it's the right thing to do, then do it before she gets back, make sure something can't slip out in the heat of the moment...
    If you get too emotional, maybe doing it through e-mail would be best... you can always take some time... cool down and then come back to it later.

    If worst comes to worst, and there's a lot of issues with it, turn to your parents!! They're always there to turn to.

    Don't apologise for this, that's why the forum's here=)
    It's obviously a big issue for you and it's good you're not trying to go through it alone!!

    I hope something here helped!!


    (*hug*)
     
  6. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    I've already spoken to you about this, but thought I would post anyway...

    First of all, as previously said - YOU HAVE TO DO AWAY WITH THE GUILT. Stop overdosing on the guilt, because you double your problems that way.

    Your relationship with your sister has been very difficult - and if you feel uncertain and unhappy about seeing her again, you shouldn't feel guilty about this, because sometimes these things just happen and you shouldn't feel that you have to like her. There are some members of my family I cannot stand, and big family reunions are always stessful, whatever.

    Specifically for your sister's visit, I would take your cue from her. If she is (somehow) very different and much more mature, that's good, and you can go along with that - but don't feel guilty if nevertheless you feel angry about the past. Everyone holds resentments. It's normal, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Don't encourage it, obviously, but don't feel bad about it.

    However, if as it sounds likely, she's the same, just try not to be around her, and try and co-exist if you don't feel you could withstand anything more. I have people that I have tried and tried and tried to build meaningful relationships with, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. From talking to you, I think you need to be more selfish and think about your own needs first. This is also applicable to the way in which you feel as though whilst your sister was/is difficult, you are the perfect child. This is common too.

    Erm, going in circles here, but:
    - don't feel guilty
    - if you feel you can try and be sisterly do try, but don't if you don't want to
    - take your cue from her ie how she behaves
    - if necessary try and avoid her/just be civil
    - but think about your needs first, then hers, because if you just think about hers, you will do neither of you any favours.