Some of you have read some of my earlier threads. I have come to the decision that I need to come out to a handful of my closest friends. None of them live near me currently so I can't say it in person. I have been wanting to for the last couple weeks but I have been a wreck. I wake up at night being frustrated that I haven't said it. I can't muster the courage to say it. I talk to them on the phone and I freeze. It's really difficult because they are on the other end of the phone and have no idea I'm in such emotional turmoil. I consider myself a strong and rational person but honestly this is the most nervous I've ever been about something. I worry about rejection/disappointment/permanently altering the dynamic of our friendship... I don't know why I can't get the words out. It's awful! Any advice you can offer is helpful. I'd rather have an actual conversation because a message seems like a cop out but I'm just so scared. They should be accepting but I'm just not certain of that...
Well, you know my story already. But I felt the same way as you. I was scared it would change my friendship (it kind of did honestly, but in good ways - I feel much more open with him now, so I feel closer than ever before) or my friend would reject me. That didn't happen. If they are really your close friends and you think they would accept you (it's pretty easy to tell based on their personalities and what all they say), then I say go for it. I felt a LOT better after I finally told him. Just last night, I talked with him for like an hour about it again, and he was once again very supportive and had some interesting things to say. I'd just say something like "Hey listen, you're my friend, there's been something I've wanted to tell you for a while now, but it's hard to say. I'm gay." That's how I did it. I know it's hard, believe me... I was almost having a panic attack when I was about to say it out loud to him, but it was totally worth it.
If you are struggling to get the words out I would go for a well thought out and carefully worded e-mail/letter to them all. You can explain in the message that you have been trying to find a way to say it, but the words have just become stuck. I honestly don't think it's a cop out to write. You have time to sit down and really think about what you want to say. You can address your worries and concerns, your reasons for waiting until now, your hopes for the future and what it means to have their ongoing support and friendship (+ anything else). In conversation, you may miss some of these things. If you do it right, you can make an e-mail/letter very personal and sincere. Coming out is scary because you are taking a step into the unknown. You can never be completely certain how the other person will react and this helps to feed the anxiety and stress. What you are going through is not unusual, but consider how good it will be to have an open and honest relationship with these people who you love and care about.
First off - I came super close to replying to your earlier post and then didn't at the time, so I'll do it now. I'm ever-so-slightly younger than you, but I just started coming out a couple of months shy of my 29th birthday, and only admitted to myself that I was gay a few months prior to that. So, yes. There are absolutely people in this boat, and we probably all felt as confused. It's a bit of a weird age and situation to be in, I think, especially for those of us who didn't grow up in an ultra-conservative environment. So, I had about three close friends in my city that I came out to in person, and my parents, sister, and nephew, but the rest of my friends and family all live further away as I just finished grad school in Toronto. I did the email thing with my close friends, partially because I don't talk to them on the phone much. It wasn't the most ideal, but I also don't think it had any inherent problems. At that point, it wasn't too difficult, since I had the chance to come out to other friends. But, although I too am a pretty rational, level-headed person, was CRAZY stressed when I came out to my first couple of friends and especially my parents and sister. I knew they would all be fine with it, but I still was nervous to the point of physically shaking (I took about 20 minutes to fully calm down after the talk with mom and dad!), and I suspect it will be no different regardless of if it's face-to-face or through the detachment of email. In fact, I think email would almost be worse, given you don't have the immediate feedback. Do what feels best, and don't think of a message as a cop out, because it can be super hard regardless. And if you need courage, just pump yourself up with this first: Joe Esposito - You're The Best Around (Karate Kid soundtrack) - YouTube
Next time you phone them have a pre written script that u can just read out....saves u thinking of the correct words to use....?
Thanks for all the advice- I bit the bullet with one friend last night http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/126091-closeted-guy-meets-closeted-guy-2.html Read if interested!
I could sugar coat it, but I'm not going to. Your friendships will change if/when you 'come out'. Maybe for the worst, maybe for the better. But consider this (and keep in mind I'm not 'gay or lesbian' so I can't speak personally here in that regard), true friends will either immediately or eventually see past it, and you and your friend(s) will become that much closer for having shared that together. I have been on the receiving end of such 'coming out' from my best friend, and I never once thought any less of him for it. Even in the moment when he opened that part of himself up to me, it didn't make my opinion of him any less. It's all about mutual brotherly/sisterly love and respect between friends. If either of those is lacking then it's not friendship at all. That's my two cents.
