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Made to feel "wrong", guilty and embarrassed as a pan teen?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by vanillaunicorn, May 5, 2014.

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  1. vanillaunicorn

    vanillaunicorn
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    Hi :slight_smile:

    To cut to the chase, I'm a fourteen-year-old female who identifies as a pansexual with a preference for androgynous/boyish-looking girls. I have not yet come out to my family; while I love them to pieces and know they'd be totally supportive, I can't help but feel... how should I put this... kind of "wrong"/guilty about my sexuality for a number of reasons.

    Just to make it clear, I don't have an issue whatsoever with accepting my own sexuality and that of others. I like to think of myself as very accepting of all different people, and this applies to gender preferences/sexualities too. However, I think I'm just very self-conscious in general, and this is making me worried about what other people will think about me once they know I have a thing for girls too. I go to an all-girls school, and while there are a good handful of bisexual and lesbian students I know of (a couple of which I know personally and am friendly with) and there is an LGBT society, I've overheard so many jesting or slightly discriminatory comments about lesbians both in my school and out, that I feel almost wrong for liking girls (particularly androgynous or boyish-looking ones; I'm technically pansexual as I'm also attracted to some trans, genderqueer and genderfluid people, I think - please do correct me if I'm wrong).

    I don't mean to reference the hackneyed, slightly laughable phrase "it's not just a phase, mom", but really, I can't help but feel frustrated occasionally by the lack of seriousness and respect I feel sometimes is afforded to the LGBT community... don't get me wrong, I think the majority of people are supportive of equal rights and that's great, but for some reason all the little, flippant comments some people make ("she looks like a right les") just dishearten me. It's just things like when my parents found it slightly amusing when I mentioned that my ex-boyfriend's sister (who happens to be a lesbian) had cut her hair really short. I think she looks awesome - in fact, honestly, I've had a bit of a thing for her since I first met her - but I just felt my heart sink a little at my mum's amused smile and eye-rolling. ("She's a lesbian, isn't she?")

    I guess I can't help but feel like while most people are tolerant of "girls who like girls", they have an ingrained, preconceived stereotype about lesbians that many of them look like boys, and that that's a bad or amusing thing. I love girls who look boyish... why should I be made to think that's funny or "wrong"? Ugh :/ I guess it doesn't help my current predicament much that all my friends are obsessed with getting a "hot" boyfriend, and won't stop talking about how dicks are so much better than vaginas, "how could you be a lesbian" etc.

    Any help/guidance/personal experiences would be greatly appreciated, even if just about coming out/being a teen with a same-sex preference in general.

    Thank you so much ꒰⑅•ᴗ•⑅꒱♡
     
    #1 vanillaunicorn, May 5, 2014
  2. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    Unfortunately this is one of those times where really the only thing that will get you through is a stubborn refusal to entertain the opinions of others.

    A lot of the time those comments you talked about don't even mean anything much, they are just ingrained into people. Not even necessarily bad or homophobic people!

    Once, my brother and I went to see the Nicolas Cage version of the Wicker Man in the cinema. There was us, and about 4 other people. Anyway we were watching the film and it gets to this scene where a woman comes on screen and says "you look...something or other" I forget what exactly. Point is, she said something like that and then this guy in the audience yells "WELL YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!" I can show you a picture of the woman: This video at 3:41. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qjme5hh_bYY

    Does she look like a lesbian to you? What does that even mean in that context?

    Point is, he said it, got a big laugh and I don't think anyone in the room could have told you WHY. Not really. Not with any conviction anyway.

    Just try and ignore stupid comments like that.
     
    #2 BookDragon, May 5, 2014
  3. vanillaunicorn

    vanillaunicorn
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    Hi, and thank you so much for taking the time to reply :slight_smile:

    I had a look at the link, and I totally agree - seems interesting how the term "lesbian" can be applied to a certain kind of person, and in a humorous manner. What is it exactly about this particular woman that made the term seem applicable to the man who made the joke, and those who laughed at it?

    On a more general note, I suppose you're right, really - I guess I've just got to ignore those sort of comments where I can. It's just a bit difficult, though, particularly at school (all-girls can be a bit overwhelming at times - so much gossip!). At least I have some friends who are going through similar things (including a pan friend who also likes androgynous girls, who I should really talk more to), so I'll try and find some strength through them where possible.
     
    #3 vanillaunicorn, May 5, 2014
  4. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    Thing is, I laughed at that joke. I laughed hard. At the time it seemed like the funniest thing in the world. Heck it STILL makes me laugh when I think about it. It was just perfectly timed and unexpected.

    Thing is there are SO MANY examples of this type of joke being used. Perhaps you've seen it in films:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yZZsALXOXg

    Or memes:

    [​IMG]

    This kind of thing is all over the place. Thing is, it basically doesn't matter what word you stuck in those places. You can replace 'gay' with all sorts of things and if you use it right it will still work, because it's not the word that is funny, it's the timing and the context. Unfortunately it comes up so often people seem to just assume the word is hilarious and use it at random, and you wind up with things like that being used all the time to take the piss.

    It is difficult to ignore the comments. If you're feeling particularly brave you could always get them to explain it. Everytime they make a comment using a gay term in a negative way, ask them to explain what you mean.
     
    #4 BookDragon, May 5, 2014
  5. vanillaunicorn

    vanillaunicorn
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    Yeah, I completely see what you mean. It seems to me that the best policy might just be to accept it/"take it on the chin" in the majority of cases; I mean, to be fair, generalisation and stereotypes concerning other minorities are rife, too. I think it probably just hits home more for me at the moment because I'm at a pretty confusing stage, and am still coming to terms with my newfound sexuality - not to mention the looming coming out I've got to look forward to!

    Thanks again for all the insightful and interesting commentary/advice - it's actually helped me clear my head a lot :slight_smile:
     
    #5 vanillaunicorn, May 5, 2014
  6. SwimScotty

    SwimScotty
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    Lots of times people just think what they're taught. Their parents may have a preconception of lesbians that they passed down to their kids or something like that. Plus, the most visible members of the LGBTQ+ community tend to be the very flamboyant ones-the guys who wear lots of pink and rainbows and the girls who make themselves look like guys. If that's the main exposure they have to the LGBTQ+ community (I'm not saying it is; you stated that you know several other lesbian/bisexual girls who don't necessarily act that way.), then that's what they're going to assume all lesbians are like. I had this problem with a friend last year. We were talking about the Boy Scouts' removal of their ban on gay Scouts, and he was against it because he thought that all gay guys were promiscuous and someone was going to come over to his tent in the middle of the night and start blowing him or something. I told him that if he had such a problem with gay people, I shouldn't be sitting near him. That shut him up quick. Point is, before I came out to him, the only things he heard about gay people were the stereotypes. He didn't know any different, so that's what he believed. Since I've come out to him, I think he's started to realize that not everyone acts like the stereotypes, and that I'm not going to randomly go down on him or anything like that. So I think that you just have to prove that there's nothing wrong with you and that not everyone fits the stereotypes. Just because you like more androgynous/masculine girls doesn't make you "wrong" or anything like that. Show them that; prove to them that there's nothing wrong, that not all lesbians are stereotypes, that there's more to people than what they see. Show them all that, and I think it'll go far in helping you feel better about yourself.

    I hope this helps! Feel free to contact me if you want more advice, I'm always happy to help where I can.
     
    #6 SwimScotty, May 5, 2014
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