There have been two incidents in the last few years in which I was accidentally forced out of the closet. I'm noticing that whenever this happens, I feel intensely shamed and vulnerable - even when the person who 'found out' about me doesn't react negatively! The first one happened at work, about 18 months ago. Someone I worked with found out through an ex's friend. The co-worker brought it up privately and described himself as an "ally." But then he got the promotion I wanted, and I utterly lost it because I thought that word was getting around that I'm gay, and that it led to my being passed over. In the end, the organization collapsed. I quit and lined up another job. The other guy quit about three months later, after much overwork and needless pressure. The second one happened yesterday. My SO is in the hospital, awaiting surgery for a congenital heart issue. When he and I were alone in the hospital room, I gave him a kiss as he was lying in bed. At that precise moment, two nurses (straight females) burst into the room without knocking. According to my SO, the nurses were stunned for a moment; he was totally composed and just introduced me as his partner. I blushed and wanted to crawl into a corner or disappear. Then after I got home, I started worrying that the hospital staff would arrange an "accidental" death for my SO because they saw him kiss another guy (incontrovertible evidence of being GAY). Of course, this thought was ridiculous and it didn't happen. I thought about this more today, and realized that I EXPECT to be treated badly by straight people if they find out I'm gay. This must reflect some sort of internalized shame. I have never voluntarily outed myself to a straight person (aside from visiting a PFLAG meeting). I slowly extricated myself from any activities with straight people, then came out by looking for new friends in all-gay settings. Has anyone else here felt like this? And how did you overcome these shamed feelings?
