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Coming Out Letter

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by clarebe, May 5, 2014.

  1. clarebe

    Regular Member

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    A few people
    Hi,, I haven't been on EC for awhile, and its given me time to think about how i identify as being a women. I have recently come to terms with being transgender, and have now begun to take steps to being more feminine! :slight_smile: I have also been working on my letter to my parents. This letter is kind of long, and any advice on it wold be extremely helpful.

    Dear, Mom and Dad

    Over the past year of college I have begun to feel free to be who I am. I have learned what hard work actually is, as well as what I want to do with my life. What I am about to tell you took me years to finally come to accept. I have just recently come to terms with it, and I want you to know that it is not your fault, nor is it just some fantasy in my head. I have felt this way for a very longtime, and it is not some sudden thing. I only kept it a secret because I was afraid of what might happen, and I wanted to make you guys proud.

    I’m a transgender. This means that I hate being a man, and I am planning on transition to being a woman as soon as I can. To put this into perspective, I have had to wake-up everyday into a nightmare, where I had to put up on a “mask” so I could make other people happy, and hide who I was. Everyday I have had to keep lying to everyone, and to myself. It led me to feel like I was going insane. I was so confused about who I was, or what I was.. Do you remember in the summer of freshmen year, I shaved my legs, and arms? As well as trying to wear a bra and panties., at home. Well that was me trying to tell you how I really felt. Mom I remember you asking me if I should tell you something. I wanted to just tell you right then, and there but I was to scared of disappointing you. I know this may come, as complete surprises believe me it has taken years to finally figure out,. But for the first time in my life I feel like, I am finally moving toward what I want to do, and what I want to be.

    As high school went on, I became obsessed with online role playing games, because it allowed me to be who I am.. At first I thought I could coup with it if I could only play these games, I might be able to trick myself out of it. But as time went on it grew harder, and harder to coup.. In high school, I was always shy; I get that from you guys. When I dated girls, I felt like I was lying to them, like I was going out with them because I know that it would make you happy. That’s why after a while I ended up breaking up them. As the years went by the shame, and guilt of hiding my true feelings from everyone, became overwhelming,. I became so depressed, that I simply stopped talking to people. It made it easier to lie if I only had to lie to a couple of people.

    When I got to college I thought I could run from it, like if I kept suppressing the feeling over, and over again it might just go away. It never did, I was merely in denial with myself. I went to Michigan Tech literally thinking if I could only distance myself from it, I could forget about it. But the sadness,, and discomfort of being a man was always there no matter what I did; it just kept getting worse, and worse. It got to the point where I just wanted to commit suicide, so that I wouldn’t have to face it, and disappoint you guy. That’s when I started to come out to some close friend. All of whom have been extreme supportive. of me, and have helped me accept myself. I have come to find out that you can’t run from you are supposed to be. I have sought out help from online transgender support groups, as well as calling help lines to try to figure out who I am.

    I just want you to know that being transgender doesn’t mean I don’t love you guys. I do more then you can possible imagine, I just want to live my life the way its suppose to be. Not what other people want me to be. If you don’t accept me I will understand it’s an extremely hard thing to accept. Believe me I know. I know the road maybe rough, and not everyone well accept me, but I know that I will be who I am, and that’s all I need.

    I will be coming home in a couple of hours, if you don’t want to talk about it its ok, I’ll wait as long as it takes. I know that I will be completely terrified, of what you guys might have to say. Just know that I love you guys what ever you guys chose to do. I have a plan, which I have been planning for the past couple of years. If you want to hear it, or you have any questions just let me know. I would love to talk about it with you. I love you guys, and nothing will change that. I will still be your loveable child, just the real me, and again this is not your fault.


    Sincerely, your daughter



    Clare/Jeremy
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Out to everyone
    Dear, Mom and Dad

    Over the past year of college I have begun to feel free to be who I am. I have learned what hard work actually is, as well as what I want to do with my life. What I am about to tell you took me years to finally come to accept. I have just recently come to terms with it, and I want you to know that it is not your fault, nor is it just some fantasy in my head. I have felt this way for a very longtime, and it is not some sudden thing. I only kept it a secret because I was afraid of what might happen, and I wanted to make you guys proud.

    Solid opening. Consider changing the phrase "I want you to know it is not your fault". By mentioning 'fault' at all there is some implication that this comes as a result of something going wrong. If not their fault, perhaps yours! Perhaps 'not ANYBODIES fault' would work...something to think about.

    I’m a transgender. This means that I hate being a man,

    While I don't doubt for a minute that this is true, is that really how you want your parents to see it? Maybe it is, I don't know. Personally I prefer to say to people that I feel that I am a woman, and that I am unable to continue pretending to be a man. Thing is, if you tell the 'I hate being a man' as your explanation for what this is, it doesn't necessarily mean they have to accept you as a woman!

    and I am planning on transition to being a woman as soon as I can.

    Personally I would put this in a little later, after you've explained your next bit perhaps!

    To put this into perspective, I have had to wake-up everyday into a nightmare, where I had to put up on a “mask” so I could make other people happy, and hide who I was. Everyday I have had to keep lying to everyone, and to myself. It led me to feel like I was going insane. I was so confused about who I was, or what I was.. Do you remember in the summer of freshmen year, I shaved my legs, and arms? As well as trying to wear a bra and panties., at home.

    Like it. :slight_smile:

    Well that was me trying to tell you how I really felt.

    Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I read that sentence and instead of it ending, in my head it carries on. I read that sentence and instead I get "Well that was me trying to tell you how I really felt and you didn't pick up on it!"

    Not what you meant most likely, probably not even how they will read it, but I've read that line five or six times now and that extra bit keeps slapping me in the face. That's how my mum would take it, I'm pretty sure!

    Mom I remember you asking me if I should tell you something. I wanted to just tell you right then, and there but I was to scared of disappointing you. I know this may come, as complete surprises believe me it has taken years to finally figure out,. But for the first time in my life I feel like, I am finally moving toward what I want to do, and what I want to be.

    Lovely. Make it hopeful! Reminds them that this is your chance to be happy!

    As high school went on, I became obsessed with online role playing games, because it allowed me to be who I am.. At first I thought I could COPE with it if I could only play these games, I might be able to trick myself out of it. But as time went on it grew harder, and harder to COPE.

    I know what you mean because I did it myself, but I'm prepared to bet this sentence on its own means nothing to your parents! How did online RPGs help you? What did you actually DO? Without an explanation of what you were actually trying to achieve this paragraph doesn't add much!

    In high school, I was always shy; I get that from you guys.

    Try and avoid saying something that sounds negative and then saying you got it from your parents! I only point this out because as far as I can see, your shyness has very little to do with the next few sentences so it seems like you are just throwing it in there to make them feel bad about something! Again, I'm sure that isn't your intention, just how it comes across. Personally I would either remove this sentence or explain it a little more!

    When I dated girls, I felt like I was lying to them, like I was going out with them because I know that it would make you happy.

    How were you lying to them? Keep in mind, you have all of this in your head. You can read this letter back to yourself and you have all your experiences in your mind to reference. Your parents don't have that. Why did it feel like a lie?

    Second point for this section. Consider changing "I know that it would make you happy" to something else. Honestly, it wouldn't matter at this point if your parents had spent your entire life telling you that you MUST date girls, you want them on YOUR SIDE and pointing out that you've had a miserable time of things because of THEM isn't the way to do it! :slight_smile:

    Perhaps something like "because that's what everyone else did". It still suggests that you felt obligated to do it, but it doesn't directly blame your parents for any negative feelings you've experienced!

    That’s why after a while I ended up breaking up them. As the years went by the shame, and guilt of hiding my true feelings from everyone, became overwhelming,. I became so depressed, that I simply stopped talking to people. It made it easier to lie if I only had to lie to a couple of people.

    Fair enough :slight_smile:

    When I got to college I thought I could run from it, like if I kept suppressing the feeling over, and over again it might just go away. It never did, I was merely in denial with myself. I went to Michigan Tech literally thinking if I could only distance myself from it, I could forget about it. But the sadness,, and discomfort of being a man was always there no matter what I did; it just kept getting worse, and worse. It got to the point where I just wanted to commit suicide, so that I wouldn’t have to face it,

    Fine, make the point. Being a man is worse than death. Unpleasant but necessary.

    and disappoint you guy.

    Get rid of this. Trust me.

    That’s when I started to come out to some close friend. All of whom have been extreme supportive. of me, and have helped me accept myself. I have come to find out that you can’t run from you are supposed to be.

    Lovely!

    I have sought out help from online transgender support groups, as well as calling help lines to try to figure out who I am.

    When I told my mum I am trans she accused the 'internet trolls' of 'corrupting' me. She insisted that the people I had been speaking to (EC members) were probably pedophiles and freaks and weirdos and they had convinced me I'm a woman when really I'm a man.

    For this reason, I would remove the word 'transgender' from this sentence. I've been getting support from 'professionals' to help figure things out might come across better than I've been talking to internet transsexuals!

    I just want you to know that being transgender doesn’t mean I don’t love you guys. I do more then you can possible imagine, I just want to live my life the way its suppose to be. Not what other people want me to be.

    This is actually pretty important and I'm glad you put it in!

    If you don’t accept me I will understand it’s an extremely hard thing to accept. Believe me I know.

    Oh HELL no xD Just no. You may as well slap them both across the face for all the good it'll do! :slight_smile:

    Try "This may be difficult to hear and take in, I know it was difficult for me!"


    I know the road maybe rough, and not everyone well accept me, but I know that I will be who I am, and that’s all I need.

    Is it? Because lets be honest if that was ALL you needed you wouldn't be writing this letter. You'd just get on with it and to hell with the response. You wouldn't have gone to all this effort to hide it from your parents if you didn't need them to accept you on some level.

    If you NEED to know your parents still love you for the PERSON you are, not the BODY you inhabit, then you tell them. You tell them straight up. Make it clear that this is something that NEEDS to happen and WILL happen no matter what anybody says or thinks, you need them to be OK with it, if not now then as soon as possible! You want them to be able to recognize that you are NOT your body and you are not your clothes or you name or anything else.

    I will be coming home in a couple of hours, if you don’t want to talk about it its ok, I’ll wait as long as it takes.

    If that works for you, then great. When I came out I added that if they had ANY questions about ANYTHING they could ask them, but I wanted them to come to me and take any answers I gave them to heart. I also asked them not to tell anybody else unless I specifically asked them to do so.

    I know that I will be completely terrified, of what you guys might have to say.

    Personally I would change this, because currently it comes off like you've already decided that they won't be OK with it. Not an unreasonable assumption, but you know, as I said, you want them on side and there are better ways of getting them there!

    If you like, get creative with the heartstrings. "Writing this letter is one of the most terrifying things I have ever had to do, but I know deep down you guys love me for who I am inside..." something like that. Who says you can't go for a little positive emotional persuasion...

    Just know that I love you guys what ever you guys chose to do. I have a plan, which I have been planning for the past couple of years. If you want to hear it, or you have any questions just let me know. I would love to talk about it with you. I love you guys, and nothing will change that. I will still be your loveable child, just the real me,

    Lovely ending! Especially the loveable child part!

    and again this is not your fault.

    No.

    Trust me, you could fill the whole letter with the phrase "It's not your fault" and it won't make a lick of difference! If it comes up in conversation you can lay that on as thick as you like but you need to be around to respond to whatever they come up with.

    Sincerely, your daughter

    Clare/Jeremy


    Great :slight_smile:

    Hope some of that helps!
     
  3. newfish

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    All the changes above look great! Good luck and keep us updated! (*hug*)
     
  4. clarebe

    Regular Member

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    Thanks!, and thank yo so much, your advice was extremely helpful. Now its only a matter of when to tell them. Thank you so much! :slight_smile:
     
  5. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Any time! Good luck!!