I'm out to a lot of people but sometimes when people who I'm not out to mention anything to do with being gay I freeze. I mean full on deer caught in the headlights freeze. This is even if they are saying something positive but it is much worse if it's negative. During and after this I feel ashamed of myself. I don't know how to handle these situations. My mind just starts racing. Thinking 'oh crap they know' and I start thinking about what I was doing that gave off the gay vibe. Does anyone know what I can do to get over this? I hate feeling like this.
Hi xxMMxx, I went through something similar for a long long time. I don't know if it's the same for you, but I guess we'll find out. Strangely enough it was mostly strangers, work colleagues and acquaintances that made the nerves rise the most. Basically people who "mean less" to me. If it's someone close to you or important to you, clearing the air seems seems to be more urgent or necessary. One thing I've learnt quite recently though is that if someone you don't know doesn't like you (for whatever reason), then what difference does it make? nothing changes! If it's the same for you, don't beat yourself up if you can't come out to the people that "matter less" in your life. Depending on your personality though - with the people that matter less - some gay people see it as an opportunity to "practice" coming out. Because if they think less of you afterwards, then you're not losing a best friend or anything. If this is completely off-mark, can you elaborate some more on a few situations and people that this happens with?
Hi mangotree, This is exactly the same as it is for me. At least I know I'm not the only person this happens to. I'm out to everyone who is important to me except my brothers they are very homophobic. Hopefully I can get over this soon as I hate feeling like that. Thanks for the advice.
This happened the other night in the pub with me. I am not out to two of the three people I was with the other night and well this guy in our group started talking about gay nightclubs and Soho in London. Well it was all very negative. I clocked eyes with the girl that was with us who I have told and I just froze...:eek: I was then thinking, did she tell them? Is that why in a space of ten minutes the word lesbian was mentioned about 4 times. I just didn't know what to do with myself until the conversation changed onto a different subject.
That's unfortunate Butterfly72. Could you elaborate on what kind of negative language he was using? And same question to you xxMMxx. My main message is - Don't take any of it personally. My Dad (a trucky / mine worker) actually used to talk like that a lot, using all the derogetory terms under the sun. e.g. Sydney Mardi Gras came on TV - "F**king F***ots", changes the channel straight away. Of course, that changed after I came out. He tells me that he gets quite offended when other people use that kind of language now, but I told him just to pity them and their small minds. From my experience, people are only verbally homophobic in my presence because they don't know that I'm gay. From what you've said though, the guy that was talking either has never met a gay person (and know how human they are), or was talking out of his own small mindedness or insecurity. If you have the confidence during a similar conversation next time (or if you've had enough to drink), perhaps either stand up for yourself OR stand up on behalf of other LGBTIQ people. If he was talking negatively about gay bars/nightclubs in Soho, then there's a high chance that he's never actually been in one - because most of them are fabulous! He was probably talking about them because he actually really wants to go to one but is too nervous to do anything about it. Most people like to be enlightened about the big wide world - that's why people travel. If he is one of those people - and it might take some research to find out - then sit him under that bodhi tree and get Buddha on his ass. Peace be with you both.
Yes, come out to them. Then ask them if they have any questions about what it is like to be gay, because you are the guy with the answers. I bet you will see some deer eyes looking back at you. :eusa_danc Really just kidding, but think about it.
