My Story and Taking the Next Step

OK... What I'm gonna post is a bit personal and I've only shared parts of the story with a couple online friends, but I see you all give amazing advice so I'm curious as to what you think. It's a LONG story that will be described in full detail and there are parts in the beginning I regret. The major issue is that I am ready to come out to my best friend but I'm not sure how to go about it. In order to understand the situation as well as possible though, I think it's important to start in the beginning and tell my full story, or at least the highlights, it shows where I'm at in the process now and what progress/mistakes I've already made. Any ideas or comments would be much appreciated. Here goes...

OK, so I'd always known I was different, not like the other boys, even back to about six years old. I was able to ignore it as I got older, though, and I began my teens feeling that my attraction to women would start at any time, that I was just getting there later than most. I held onto this and did my best to fit in with those around me.

At fourteen, that wall blocking out the real me began to crumble. I was doing a report for school on the family computer when a gay porn pop-up flashed on the screen. Something finally clicked and I KNEW I had found my "problem", that it was as simple as being attracted to men rather than women. Of course, I couldn't stop there, though. This new discovery, which really wasn't new at all, exploded into a curiosity that couldn't be easily quenched. Since the mainstream media doesn't promote homosexuality at all, I was pretty much in the dark ang had to switch to another source to fing information. That was the computer. For the next few months, I spent any free, private time doing my research, seeing what it really meant to be gay. Of course, I had no plans of coming out, the though never crossed my mind.

After those first couple months, I became relaxed, sure nobody would discovermy secret. I surely wasn't going to reveal it, at least until I was out of the house. You can probably see where this is headed. One Friday afternoon, I came home from school and saw my mom sitting on the couch (she has Fridays off). I could tell immediately that something was wrong. Before making it even across the room, she stood up and pointed to her room. That's when I knew EXACTLY what had happened. We went in and sat on her bed, now in a complete state of shock. I can't remember the exact conversation, if that's what you'll call it. My throat had tightened too much to talk and in that state I wasn't really able to concentrate. The best way to describe it was as an out-of-body experience. My mind wasn't connected with my body, this couldn't be real.

Like a said, the conversation is too blurry to quote perfectly, but here are the basics:
"You know why I brought you in here, right?"
No answer.
"Well? should we go check the computer history?"
I shook my head.
"So? Explain."
"I don't know..."
"I don't know doesn't work here. Start talking."
"I... (long pause) I think I might be... gay."
"What do you think gives you the right to bring that into our home? Once you're out of
the house, it's your life, but until then, you have no right."
No answer.
"I called your father when I found that. He was so disappointed. You should have seen
how upset he was."
No answer.
"He'll get over it, but I wish that you weren't that way. Life is going to be so much
harder, especially with the older generations. I really wanted you to have the
American Dream... A wife, kids, the house with a white picket fence" Went on more
about it being difficult.
I nod. Nothing is really sinking in, I had gotten so comfortable that this came as a
complete shock and didn't even start.
There may be a bit more... I'm sure there is, but the next thing I remember was her saying that she loved me no matter what, that there was nothing I could ever do to change that. She stood up, I followed, and she hugged me. I was too numb to feel what was going on inside me, but on the outside, this was enough to get me sobbing.

Well, I had to go to my biological mother's home for the weekend in a moment so the conversation didn't have a chance to get much further. It didn't sink in either. I regained my composure, wiped away the tears, and I moved on. Anyways, I packed my bags and was ready to go. This doesn't really have a direct impact on my story, but it should be noted that I couldn't stand going to my mother's home, there were just so many things I didn't agree with. I'm not sure if I should post it now since it isn't on topic, but to condense it, I no longer have contact with her, and that decision was made this weekend. It wasn't the fact that I came out that made me decide this, there were many things she'd done in the past. Anyways, in my state, I wasn't very tolerant and ended up leaving a note saying that I was done coming at the end of the weekend. We haven't spoken or seen eachother once since then, and she hasn't tried to contact me at all. This doesn't bother me, but my mom says it's like the elephant in the... How does the saying go? Anyways, I'll have to deal with it when I'm older but I'm content for the moment.

So anyways, I came home Sunday and my parents were both home. My mom left us sitting in the room with my dad and he asked me if I thought I was gay, I nodded, and he sat in awkward silence before saying, "Well, you're gonna have to tell your brother. We can't leave him with his head in the sand." Panic. Not only did my parents know, I'd have to come out to him (he's two years younger than me). If I told him, I knew it meant announcing it to the world. I didn't say anything. Again. I literally couldn't force out the words. That was the extent of that conversation. Then I had to talk with my mom again (they've never come to me together, and I usually go to my mom with my problems). She asked if I'd thought about it any, and I told her I had been. She said that my step-brother (must have been 24-ish then) had noticed the history for a while but had kept my secret. Again, panic. It seemed as if thiswas going to go completely into the open. She then said that she'd stop my dad from making me tell my brother, that it should be my choice. That didn't really help me feel better, my world was still collapsing before my eyes. She then asked if I'd decided on what I wanted to do, stay closeted or come out completely. I said that I definitely wanted to keep it to myself. She responded by saying that it wouldn't be as simple as that, that we couldn't just ignore it.

That sums up that day's events I guess... I tried to move on, stand up and accept that what was done was done. This was difficult, however, and they didn't look at me the same for a while. There was always a bit of... pity? Anyways, I still didn't believe that my secret was safe and their looks were beyond painful. Even worse was knowing that both were unhappy with who I was. That's when I decided to do the thing I now regret beyond all else. A few days after our last talks, I sat down and wrote a letter to them saying that I'd been thinking about it very hard and that I didn't really feel that I was truly gay, that it was just curiosity or a phase that had been shattered by the shock. Now I wish I hadn't. Things had come out, they hadn't reacted THAT badly. I could have let their disappointment fade and they would have accepted it completely, I'm sure of that.

Time went on, they seemed to believe I wasn't truly gay after asking a couple times. Life seemed to go back to normal. Almost. Yes, I knew I was gay, but I didn't accept it. I was actively trying to block out any thoughts that had anything to do with men. I was determined to change. That act last two years. People began to wonder in front of me why I'd never dated. My answer was always that I was waiting for the one. At sixteen I made my second mistake. I gave in to the pressure and asked one of my female friends on a date. It was just a one-time thing, but I felt terrible afterwards. Not only was I not being true to myself, I involved someone who had no idea that she was a "test" for lack of a better word. That night, I finally let the barriers fall completely. I was gay.

The last year has been spent in complete acceptance of who I am. I'm gay. Period. It isn't changing and I'm now quite happy with it, wouldn't change it if I could. I've spent time reflecting, setting plans for the future, preparing myself for what is sure to be a very trying time. But I've finally come to terms.

The issue that I've been leading up to:
I'm now ready to start the process of coming out. I won't come out completely until I start college next fall, a time I see as a new beginning, but I'll start off very soon with my best friend and see how that goes. If that goes well then, after a while, I'll open up to more people gradually and over time. I'd even be open to coming clean with my parents, but not until I've told my friend and given that time to settle. They may be upset that I lied at first but the framework is already there and they will understand with time. The problem is that I'm not sure exactly how to go about telling my friend in a way where she won't react as horribly as possible. You see, her religious beliefs tell her that homosexuality is a sin. I discovered this a couple weeks ago when I tried to feel out how she may react. She said that she had to be less boy-crazy (she just got out of a bad relationship) and I told her that the same went for me, I had to try and keep my mind off all those cute boys (oh, and this was over AIM, I'd never be that blunt in person). She laughed it off thinking I was picking on her and the topic was changed. A while later, she said, "ugh. computer being gay". I told her that I didn't like the comment and she asked if their was something she should know. I said maybe and she freaked out. "omg, u bttr not b. id stop talking 2 u". I was completely shocked. She'd never said ANYTHING discriminatory toward a minority before. In fact, she's one of the kindest people I know. I told her, "Oh, nice. That's very Christian-like.". "Well r u?". "Am I what?". I wanted her to ask and I would have answered truthfully. I don't believe that her threat would have held true. She didn't ask me though, she said that we should change the subject because I was confusing her. The next day she apologized for being rude, said I'm her best friend and she couldn't NOT talk to me for any reason. I believe her and accepted the apology but couldn't press it further because she had to go. I'm sure I'll be out to her within the next two weeks but my question(s) is this:

How to say it? How to deal with her shock (she may suspect but she doesn't know)? Any resoures I could point her to if she doesn't understand immediately? General advice?

If you actually read the entire post, thank you, by the way. I'm actually very impressed, it's SOOO long. Oh, and I'd appreciate any feedback.

 

Thank you so much Becky! I haven't had time to read through the materials yet, but I searched for the nearest chapter. It's about thirty to forty minutes away, so that's definitely an option.

 

thank you for your time, wander. i dont feel i have it tough tho, im so fortunate that they took the first shock so well. they didnt yell, didnt threaten, didnt get physical. if the worst that happened was disappointment then i think i did well. since they already sorta know (i doubt they completely accepted my excuses) it should be much easier to tell them than just springing it. im also thinking that opening up to my friend will be simpler than im trying to prepare for bc i dont see how someone could hint as strongly as i did without bringing up suspiscion. i strongly doubt that this would harm the friendship in the long run tho. since then, shes gone out of her way more than once to say im her greatest friend and that she cant picture going w/o our bond. ill definitely keep you up to date, but im gonna give it a couple days, wanna see if i get any more suggestions in the thread first.

 

thanks, partie. thats good to know. it was kinda my reaction when she said that tho, "niiiice, thats very christian-like.". anyways,im sure itll go better than im bracing myself for. thank you tho.

 

well, i didnt say they were THOSE kinda sites, but yeah. didnt know bout clear history and i worked my way into such a state of comfort, almost like it would be impossible to get caught. def use the pflag stuff tho, thanks

 

hmmm... thanks for the suggestion. def something ill have to consider. i guess i just thought that shed be the one person id be willing to trust, you know how teens can be. but she knows how much she means to mean, and i proved that when i was so dedicated by helping her with the issue she was having and keeping it to myself. im sure i did shock her tho, shes always kinda wished i was more religious and that kinda crushed that. i mean, she didnt push it but would mention it once in a while. i think my parents are ready if i need them tho. when i reopen the topic, itll mean repeating everything ive put here, which hardly screams indecisive. ill explain that at 14, i wasnt ready to deal with the pressure yet, so i had to give myself time to build my self-confidence and come to terms with who i am. but theyll be soon im sure. oh, and i cant pm you yet, sorry. my account is only a few days old. after ive been on two weeks tho, ill contact you. there arent TOO many details that arent here tho. all i could do is go deeper into our friendship in the past or explain my ideas for the future. i actually think ill post my thoughts here again after my first coming out tho. ive kinda got it framed already but i wanna withhold final details til i see how this goes.

 

hey! I'm glad ur parents delt with it ok! I would say that with ur bf I would just find a good time to talk with her and just say" I need to tell you something..... " and go from there. It sounds like she probably got the hint so she won't be as shocked when you tell her. And I think that ur post was very well written, good job!!

 

hey scented, thank you for posting. im feeling confident about this now, im gonna wait a couple days to see any more responses and then wait for a good time to pick it up. i love your ideas tho. im not going to rush tho, dont worry. i have a two week goal set for this, which i think is generous given how close to the surface we now are. other than her, there are only a couple of people im considering telling in the near future. other than those select few, i think ill keep my sexuality to a minimum. it isnt that im not proud, im in my senior year and it should fly by if i hear correctly. over that time, ill work on telling those who seem to be life-long friends, telling them one at a time. that means that i can work out my technique with those who will take it well while avoiding the discrimination that would come from a complete outing in my h.s. after i grad in less than a year, my close friends will all know and ill have my fresh start. the college and town where i want to go are very accepting and i will never present myself as straight from then on. ok, your second suggestion was that i shouldnt sugar-coat it. no problems there, already learned that lesson when i denied it to my parents rather than give them the time to accept it completely. i dont think i can be anything but blunt after that, but its a good note to make. third, no, im not as worried about her reaction as before. as i mentioned above, shes been dropping hints about how much i mean to her and im seeing that as her way of apologizing w/o creating an uncomfortable conversation. but yes, i will post with any updates along the way so dont worry.

and the avatar? LOVE andrew/shawn SOOO much. no comparisons! haha. only two more months. ^_^

 

thanks, cm! im definitely gonna do something like that as soon as the topic is close at hand, which seems to be more and more often lately. and thanks bout my writing style, too, its much appreciated.

 

pure welcome and I hope it all goes good for you! Keep us updated

 

You're*** hehe oops

 

OK, everyone. It's done, and things couldn't have gone better at all. I really can't believe that it happened so quickly, I was meaning to wait another few days or so, but the perfect opportunity presented itself. It's such a relief, absolutely unimaginable. Here's the story, though. Sorry if it's lacking in the finer details, I accidentally closed the AIM chat window.

I was on the computer around 10:00 or shortly after when my best friend (I'll call her Beth)'s AIM chat box popped up. I said hello, and we chatted for quite a while about our last couple days, her new job and some boy troubles, another friend's upcoming birthday party, and just random things, which is normal for us.

About an hour and a half later, she mentioned that a friend (I'll call her Jill) just signed in, and I told her that I wouldn't know because I'd blocked her. A few days ago Jill had asked me if I saw something more than a friend in Beth since she was a girl as well as best friend. I said no, she persisted, I said that she wasn't really my type, but Jill wouldn't take that for an answer. Anyways, Beth asked why I blocked Jill, and I told her the truth, that the girl wouldn't quit asking me about her and I, so I decided to give her a couple days to let it settle and then I'd unblock her.

Immediately after that was already put out there, I realized that that was something I shouldn't have repeated just in case it did upset her, so I knew the time was right. I told Beth something along the lines of:

"I'll explain what I meant to you, but you've got to promise that you'll keep this to yourself and try to keep an open mind."
"OK..."
"I'm not sure how you'll take this, but I'm telling you because our frienship is very important to me and I trust you more than anyone."
"Don't worry, you're my best friend, I won't tell anyone. Is it something bad?"
"No, not bad. I'm just not sure what you'll think."
"Because I'm Christian?"
"Well... That's not really it."
"Go ahead, you can trust me. I promise."
"OK, here goes... I'm gay."
"Oh, you are? Seriously, right?"
"Yes, I wouldn't joke like this."
"OK, just wanted to make sure. But don't worry. You're my best friend, that doesn't change the way I feel about you."
"Thanks, Beth. That's exactly what I was hoping for. Out of curiosity, did you suspect at all?"
"No, that wasn't something I'd ever considered I guess."
"Oh, really? OK, just thought you might have."
"No, never, but I'm OK with it, it's fine."
"Good, thanks."
"Am I the only one who knows?"
"Yeah, pretty much. *Explanation about thing with parents*"
"OK, so they kinda know. But I'm not telling anybody, it's OK."
"Thanks Beth, I really wasn't sure how you'd take it."
"I actually feel really special that I was the first one you shared that with."
"You should, our friendship means so much to me, you're th only one I considered to be the first."
"Well, thank you, it really means a lot. I think it'll actually make us stronger now that you can be the real you. I have something I want to tell you as well."
"OK, but don't tell me because you think you owe me. You really don't. Just your being so accepting is all I wanted."
"I know that, but I think this is something that will help our friendship even more."
"OK."
"Wait... I've gotta get off, my parents say I need to go to bed now. I'm going to call you tomorrow, though and we'll talk more."
"OK, Beth, and thank you so much."
"Night."
"Good night."

And that's where it ended. It went really, really well though, it still doesn't seem real. People who haven't been through this don't realize what a burden it is, how good it feels to share the real you. And I know AIM isn't really the ideal way to do this but it worked well for me. Kinda gave me some experience without going full in. Anyways, though, I feel so much better now. Can't wait to talk to her in person. With how amazing this went, though, I might consider telling another close friend when she gets home from vacation in a week and a half. Too soon to tell, but it's definitely possible.

 

www well I'm rily glad that it all worked out foe you!!! Good luck in future coming outs!

 

thanks, cm. just keeping you up to date like i promised. im sure ther'll be a bit more to add after she calls, but im feeling really good about this