I need some advice. First, I'll start out with some background. I grew up in a southern state with a very conservative and religious family. From a young age I've been taught that homosexuality is wrong and a sin. All the usual church stuff. When I was in 8th grade, a long time ago now, I first discovered that I found myself more interested in looking at guys on the internet than the girls my classmates were interested in. I seemed to find the guy more interesting and attractive than the girls. Over time, I started looking at the girls less and less until I discovered my first all guy site. Since then, probably 95% of anything I look at is only guys. It's just more natural feeling I guess. Throughout high school, I had a couple good friends I confided in and eventually I had my first encounter with a friend in my class. Then my parents found out. I was grounded for the rest of the year, no phone, no car, I had to go to counseling (and pay for it, which is not easy for a high schooler. It's expensive!), and they even threatened not to let me go to college until they "trusted me". Needless to say, my junior and senior year were pretty rough. Once I moved out and went to college (I guess they were convinced...), I had a new freedom that ended up with me being a little too "eager" and I had several encounters over the next year and a half. As a junior, my best friend from high school (a girl, she never knew anything about my secret) went through a nasty breakup and somehow I'm not really sure how, we started dating. She was the first girl I kissed, and being a junior in college that's saying something. I'd had girlfriends before, but we never did anything. Not even kissed. It was weird. I was always awkward and uncomfortable. Well, today it's been almost 4 years since we started dating, and in a month we will have been married for a year. Now, I know what you're saying, why the hell did you get married? Well, I guess the best way to explain it is to say that I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do for myself and everyone else and that I could forget about these feelings once we got married and I could be "normal". Our relationship has never been exactly easy. We do have sex, but most of the time I end up fantasizing in my head about guys while we do it. I still look at guys online instead of girls, I'm becoming increasingly irritable towards her because I feel trapped and suffocated, and she is towards me as well because I'm not living up to her expectations I guess. Certainly not sexually at least. With guys in uninhibited and "experimental", but with her I just can't open up to what I like and I can't really try stuff. It's the same thing every time. She suspects, but I've denied it so many times that I've dug a hole way deeper than I can see out of. I can't live like this. But I also can't bear the thought of hurting her. I'm not attracted to her, but I also love her dearly. More like a friend or sibling but still. I'd break her heart if I came out to her and that thought is just more than I can handle. I know the longer I stay here the worse it'll be, but I just can't do it. She'd never speak to me again I'm sure, plus my family would then be bound to find out and then I'd lose them too. We've had our rough patches but I do love them. Especially my mom, we've been closer than my dad and sister forever. But I'd lose them, my wife, and probably most of my friends too. I'm so far in the hole that I can't see the light and I'm drowning. Somebody please help me with some advice or support or anything. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm miserable because I'm hiding myself, I just don't know what to do.
First things first (*hug*) I really feel your pain and I'm really sorry about the tough spot you are in. I too love my wife and i know it will break her heart when i come out about who i truly am. The pressure from both sides is so great that i feel like i just might explode (that's when i find myself crying in the bathroom alone). My wife has said to me before that if i went with her that she feels like she would die. But at the same time she does not want to be with me of I'm really bi or Transgendered. So i feel trapt to be with her but not be my full self. I really wish i could give you some great advice but I'm not there yet myself, but i can say, you are not alone and i am there with you.
Dude you made a big step by coming here. I'm not going to put myself in your situation, but I will say take things slow. Nothing has to be done overnight. Do you have someone you can talk to about this, like a therapist or good friend? It might be good to just let it out with someone. You'll feel better in releasing these feelings into the open. Also, it will help you sort out your thoughts in hopes of finding the best way possible to come out to your wife. This is not easy. Coming out doesn't solve everything. But now is the time you need to look at yourself and accept yourself. It will feel so much better to just talk to someone about this. Good luck man...we are all here for you.
I completely understand what you mean. It's such a hard spot to be in. To be true to yourself or to destroy the one you love. I know it will never last on the long run, how can it? I can't be myself around her and it's becoming a higher and higher toll to pay everyday. I don't know how I'm supposed to do it, but I know that it needs to happen eventually. I can't go on like this and I wouldn't want her to either. It's not fair for her by any means. Thank you for your support, it does mean a great deal to know I'm not alone for once in my life. I am here for you as well. I wish you all the best ---------- Post added 10th May 2014 at 11:02 PM ---------- Thank you for your reply ninerw, unfortunately I find myself in a current situation where the forum is the only source of discussion I have. Any friends that knew have long since moved away. Your support is greatly appreciated. It means a lot to have people who can understand what I'm dealing with.
At your age you have many options for starting over with your authentic identity. You made the same mistake many of us did, of not understanding yourself, and going with the path of least resistance. Now you and your wife are going to have to pay some price to get on a more workable path for both of you. You have become collateral damage of the southern religious curse, and your story is not unique, nor your dilemma. You and your wife need to be kind to each other and go through a no-fault divorce and then move on with your respective lives. As for your birth family, if they choose to indulge themselves in religion to the extent that they reject you, there is not a whole lot you can do about it but build your own family of choice with friends and your lover. I know this sounds casual and the reality and pain of it will be substantial, but this is not the first time we have heard and/or lived this same story, so I am giving you the condensed version. It is only a matter of timing, and in this kind of situation where you and your wife have no children together to consider, and are still having sex with the possibility of pregnancy, the sooner the better. Best wishes for you both.
I think I have decided to try to talk to one of my friends about it. I have a friend at work who is openly gay. I have never talked to him about this before so he doesn't know about me. He is pretty close to me though so he knows about my other situation. I'm not sure what he will say. I'm really nervous. It's been a good 6 years since I've spoken about this with anybody in person. It feels like such a huge step. For the first time I'll be taking an actual 'permanent' (odd word choice, but idk how else to describe the feeling) step towards becoming the real me. I'm excited but terrified to start this process at the same time.
