Hey ppl I just have a few things to say, or rather rant about, because these past few days a lot of shit has happened.. (i apollogise in advance for my possible language) OK, about a week ago, I was on msn and my friend (we'll call her H) had a friend round (we'll call her J) and J was on H's msn, and when I said 'hey' (thinking I was talking to H) she started being really agressive towards me. Then, she had the f*cking cheek to say 'what are you, gay?' (because she knew I am a guy, but she didn't know that I'm gay. Plus the fact that I had a half naked picture of Jake Gyllenhaal as my display picture, which didn't help matters). Well, I don't know whether I did the right thing, but I went APE SH*T and I basically ended up calling her loads of words that I won't repeat. Then, H stepped in and said for me to stop having a go at J, because J was a 'better friend' than me, and that she would stick up for J if she had to. After that, I swear, I've never felt so alone. She was supposedly my best friend. A few minutes later, H said that she told J that I'm gay, because otherwise she would have kept going on about it. I have found out from other friends that she has told other people without me knowing, and I'm just scared that one day, the 'wrong' people will find out, and act upon it... We don't talk anymore, and I'm not sure whether I should give her the time of day after what she said to me. Also, there's now someone else in the equation too now (we'll call him S), and he is doing everything in his power to try and get us to see eye-to-eye again, but it's not gonna happen, not as far as I can see. The really worrying thing is though, the whole situation has made me realise things about myself that I didn't even know. I mean, the whole thing has really got me down, and when I'm down, I tend to think really deeply into things. For example, for the past few days, I've been thinking about what people might think of me, people from school, and my family, and just in general. I've never done that beofre, because I didn't care before, but now I worry about what people are saying about me. Also, the other night the three of us (me, S and H) had a three way conversation on msn, and they were saying that they could see me 'going off the rails' and that if I did not accept their help, then I could end up doing something I would regret. (They were reffering to when S nearlly killed someone at school because of a rumour going around) I can see what they were saying, because just lately, I can feel a change in myself, and also (this is really scary), I used to be sh*t scared of dieing, but now, I'm not bothered. Now, that doesn't mean to say I'm gonna go and kill myself, but it must mean something. There is a lot of pressure from school, as pretty much my whole year knows. The thing that REALLY P*SSES ME OFF is the fact that every guy in my year thinks I want to 'rape' them. I don't know whether other people have this problem, but I there's Just one thing I'd like to say... I MAY BE GAY, BUT I AM NOT A F*CKING SLUT!!!!!!! Admittedly, there are a couple of guys that I wouldn’t mind (not raping though, just general sex, of course...) Anyway... if u have anything to say in reply to either my problems, or the rant, any comments will be greatly appreciated. Keep it freaky y'all!!
I'm sorry to hear about the issue you're having with your "friends". How disappointed you must be in them that they would be talking about you behind your back... I have trouble relating to being in high school (it's been a while for me!) but my advice would be to just try to continue to be yourself. You only THINK that they are all thinking about you this way or that way. The truth of the matter is they aren't likely that preoccupied with your sexuality, and will only dwell on it if they see you reacting differently and defensively. I know that might be tough to do, but I think it might be your best path. Stick close to those that are supportive but don't isolate yourself from everyone else... Not sure this helped. There are lots of guys here that are closer to your situation that I'm sure will comment. Talking about things (here or with friends you can trust) would also be helpful to keep things in context and not let them get 'bigger' than they really are. Good luck.
I'm also a long way away from high school age, but I agree with Jim. If you don't let it get to you (or at least don't let it show) they will soon realise they are wasting their time and will move on to someone else. They are doing it for the reaction. I know it's not easy, but if you can manage it they will move on.
So why is S all eager to get you talking again with H? And why would "friends" try to force their help on you? What you describe doesn't sound like more than normal anger/frustration to me--usually the problems with that have to do with bottling it up and having it fester. I think being overly concerned with what other people think of you is a sure way to unhappiness. It's a hard thing to let go of, for sure, but it's worth the effort. What worked for me was realising that people that thought badly of me were wankers. *grin* As for every guy in your year/class/grade thinking you have the hots for him, I would just pick some very public time/place to announce exactly how non-attracted you are to the next idiot who thinks that. Something along the lines of "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I don't have STANDARDS!" Because really, the guys who are thinking that are saying WAAAAAAY more about themselves than they are about you. "Oh really... so you think there's something about yourself that makes you attractive to a gay guy? And what do you suppose that would be?" "I'm only into guys who are into me back... so really, X, what are you saying?" "You know, I have REALLY good gaydar... so if I'm into you, then I guess you must be..." "Are you sure you're not just projecting?" "Oh so you want to walk on the wild side, is that it?" Really, there are so many fun responses... and if I recall correctly, sexual innuendo is quite the currency in high school. P.S. (from your profile) New York is a great city. Not sure if I would want to live there but it's definitely fun to visit.
Hey joeyconnick, I'll really have to try those out, I friggin laughed my head off reading them!! In reply, S is desperate to get us talking again because he is real good friends with us both, and he doesn't want out last 4 weeks together to be 'ruined', as he put it, because we're all leaving school in 4 weeks, THANK GOD!!
You're welcome... glad you thought they were funny! Oh... so it's all about HIM, huh? *sigh* I cannot say I think you'll be missing much when school ends. You should tell S you'd be happy to hang out with H again if she admits what a total bitch she's been. :icon_bigg
