So the gay topic came up again. I sort of brought it up. My mom was watching a talk show, and they were talking about having threesomes, how may people you've slept with and sleeping with someone's mom. I said "why is it okay to openly talk about this, but if two men kiss on TV like Michael Sam and his boyfriend, it's sick and morally wrong". She then was like "you never used to be fond of gays. Are you gay?" I tried to avoid saying yes or no since my sister who I came out to was sitting bedside me. I asked her what would she do if I was. She said "what can I do? I would be shocked at first and think "my son?" But that's just who you are. I'd have to accept it". She then said that "it's how I'd want to be". I told her that gays are born that way. She then said "so, are you born that way?" Again, I somehow dodged the question. The conversation ended with her talking about the extended family. I asked her if she'd tell them if I came out, and she said no but "that they'd always wonder and think so. So you might as well just come out and be free. Be who you are. It'll sting at first and be hard, but you'll be happy in the long run. Freeing yourself is what's best to make yourself happy". I'm not thinking about coming out to her in the near future, but should I come out to her soon? She seems to be pretty accepting. I think it would release A LOT of tension and stress. My only worry is dealing with my dad...
You know what, I wouldn't be surprised if she strongly suspects that you are and she is maybe trying to smooth the path for you. Well done for not denying too. I'm really proud of you for not doing that as it would have been so easy to take what seemed like the easy option under those circumstances. In not denying it, you have probably further confirmed what your mom already now suspects. The decision when to come out to her must be yours, BUT you could use this conversation as the impetus in taking that step - if you want to.
In a way, you already came out. Though you stopped short of answering the "Are you gay?" question directly, I'm sure your mom knows that not many 100% straight guys have this kind of a conversation. Also, since you were the one to turn the conversation toward people's reactions toward Michael Sam, it was quite apparent you were testing the waters.
Like Linco, I suspect she suspects. And after this conversation, her suspicions will have only grown. Indeed, you may have for practical purposes already come out to her short of actually coming out. And that might make coming out sooner rather than later a good idea. As the cliché says: cross that bridge when you get to it. Your mom might have ideas of what to do when you come out to her. If nothing else, if she's on your side--and it appears she will be, if that conversation is any indication--that might help force your dad to be more accepting than he might be otherwise. Note: it's not entirely unheard of for one parent to know and the other not to know for a long time...or even ever.
I think you all may be right. I guess I sort of came out in a way. I was reading her facial expressions, and she seemed to think that I was almost admitting to something. In fact, I was really close to coming out (I would have done it in a joking manner at first to get it out). I have to say, I feel really giddy about being gay today. I'm kind starting to like calling myself gay, because I feel like I'm being honest with myself. I feel really warm and bubbly inside. I was chatting with my sister about this situation when my mom left for work, and I felt so comfortable talking about it. I even told my sister yesterday about a couple of famous guys I find hot. I felt weird doing that. I talked about one of them with her again today, and I felt comfortable talking about it. I think the way my mom handled the conversation today is making me feel more accepting and comfortable of myself. Regarding the whole one parent knowing and the other one not, that totally wouldn't happen. My mom is too much of a blabber mouth. She'll tell my dad in an instant.
Well...maybe you can have a talk with your mom about your dad, but keep in firmly in the what-if category. "What if I were gay? What would Dad do?" That sort of thing. Then, another thought hit. As you said in another thread: Given that your mom has had suspicions, she might well have shared them with your dad by now...
That's true. She's probably shared her thoughts with my dad. I actually asked her today "what would dad think?", and she completely ignored the question. Sigh... I just feel so giddy/cheeky right now though, I don't know why...
I would definetly try and find more information about what she thinks your dad would do? Or you can even ask your sisters what your dad might do? I have the feeling that regardless if you came out, and he didn't approve at first everyone else seems to be accepting of it. So i think you would be okay and hopefully he would come around to the idea if he is not there already.
I think my dad would eventually come around, but it's the journey that I don't want to go through. The sister that I came out to said that she thinks that my dad would come around. I'm going to continue poking around and see if my mom says anything else about what my dad might think.
Wow, that's honestly really great. Your mom is probably 99% sure you are gay based on what you said, she sounded really accepting - that's awesome. In her eyes, you probably already did come out, but might just be waiting for you to actually say the words. I'm really happy that your sister has been there for you during this time. (*hug*) Wish my parents would be as accepting as yours...
Thanks! (*hug*) I think you're right. This is the first time that I actually didn't deny being gay in front of my mom, so I think that probably sent a message to her. I didn't realize it in the heat of the moment, but I can see it now. I just couldn't say that I wasn't. Not after coming out to my sister and actually being on EC just minutes before I had this conversation with my mom. She sounds to be pretty accepting. I just worry about my dad. Hopefully he'll be accepting too if/when I come out to my parents. I also wonder if my mom will mention this conversation to my dad. That would probably open up his eyes, if he didn't already have his suspicions of my sexuality.
You may be confused(user99) but your Mom isn't. Instead of playing these "what if" games with her, why not just say the words and tell her that you need her to help you tell your dad. If he isn't positive about you being gay, he has to have his suspicions, so just be honest with him, tell him it isn't what you wanted to be, but have figured out that you are, and let him start his own process of dealing with it from a basis of trust and honesty. Keeping family secrets over the long haul causes nothing but problems for your other family members. Even if he isn't happy about it for you, he will eventually respect that you were honest with him; then you have nothing to be ashamed about. If he doesn't handle it well, the problem is his, not yours, to resolve.
I guess you're right. I'm just building up the courage to tell her. It'd such a hard thing to say. I feel like it will change everything (although realistically speaking I know it won't). This is still a work in progress...
Do you feel as though you need to actually say it to her? What I mean is, do you feel the words need to come from your mouth, or could you actually write it down in a letter? You would not be the first person (and you certainly won't be the last) to come out to parents by writing a well considered letter. In the heat of a conversation people don't always listen to what is being said and some people are prone to interrupting while you are trying to say something important to them. You can't interrupt a letter though, so would that be an option for you? What do you think? In a letter you can really express yourself - you can say that it's not a choice you have made, you can say how it will not change you as a person, you can say how long and hard this journey has been and how conflicted you've felt along the way, you can explain why it's so difficult to tell them in conversation and you can ask for their love and support. In fact, you can use the letter to outline all of your feelings in detail. When you write, you have that useful time to really consider everything and you can prepare a draft first and re-write if necessary, whereas, you can't do that in a conversation. In conversation, you just have to roll with it and hope you get your point across. Have a think about it.
I would definitely have to tell them in person, not by a letter. I'm a very verbal person. I'm excellent with conversation. Plus, this is just too big of a thing to say via a letter IMHO. I know that I felt the urge to come out yesterday when we were discussing this very issue, but I bit my tongue. I think if I have my sister there, things might be easier. All this being said, I think I'm going to wait till the end of July to come out. We're going on a cross country roadtrip to California. 4 days of driving each way. I think it would be awkward having to discuss my homosexuality during the trip. It will obviously be the talk of the town for mom and dad. What do y'all think? Is it a good idea to wait until after the vacation?
Two ways of looking at it really. On the one hand you have established some momentum by coming out to your sister and all but coming out to your mom. Only thing you haven't done with your mom is say "I'm gay", but she will almost certainly be aware of your feelings now after the conversation with her and your refusal to deny that you are gay. Will you have lost some of that momentum by the end of July? On the other hand I can see your reasoning for waiting. If this is going to make life really awkward in the short term, a six week delay will probably not cause too many issues for you. If you decide to wait, I would definitely refer back to the conversation you had with your mom within the last day or two. The decision has to be yours.
This is all pretty true. The other I've noticed is that my mom seems bi-polar on homosexuality. One minute she's all like "it is what it is. It's fine. They should be themselves". The next minute (like about 1 hour ago) she's like "it's just so weird". The news was on, and they were talking about Clay Akein (American Idol runner up). He's running for Congress in NC, and he won the primary by less than 400 votes. His opponent died yesterday, in the midst of a re-count. My mom said "who wants Clay Akein? Him and his gay self". This is so infuriating. Why be so accepting one moment, and then "grossed out" the next minute? :bang:
It's a defence mechanism... You have to remember, that like you, she knows, but still needs to go trough the process of accepting it and by denying it or in this case swinging to the negative discussions pushes the truth I.E. you coming out to her into the future so she doesn't need to deal with right now... Not that she doesn't want to but because she is scared of having to deal with it pretty much in the same way you where when you joined this forum. The thing is, she knows, that is quite evident in what you wrote and she is telling you that it's going to be better if you come out and deal with it. She also says that it's going to sting, meaning that she knows it's going to be a process but she also says that it will make you happy. I'd be the first person to tell you to wait until you are ready to come out, but I also want you to think of something else... Your mom knows, she NEEDS confirmation from you in order to deal with it, she can't deal with it while you are dragging it out so in my opinion you are leaving her hanging and that might be just as stressful for her as it was for you when you came onto this forum. She knows, you know, maybe it's time to take the next step? P.S. Just wanted to tell you that I'm extremely proud of you!!!
Great points! I think I'll be telling her soon, just after our family vacation in July. I guess she pretty much knows that I'm gay, and as you said, she just needs confirmation from me. Also, thank you so much for your help!(*hug*) I couldn't have come this far without you!
