Has anyone here had the experience of someone making homophobic comments, so as to make you get angry and frustrated - and come out? I think my mom is doing this to me. I went to visit her on Mother's Day. She told me about some news story, in which organizes of an athletic event made T-shirts using the word "sissy," and how "the gays" were up in arms about it. She then launched into a rant about how the gay community is never happy and is always demanding more, more, more from straight people. As if "the gays" have to get permission from straight people to live happily and openly? Get too uppity and we go back to the "good old days" of blacklists, closets, and paddy-wagons rounding up all the "queers"? She's got to suspect, given that I've never dated women. I've heard some relatives on her side of the family make snarky comments about me, suggesting that there is a gay rumor. I was so tempted to destroy her little world with just two words ("I'm gay"), but I'm dealing with enough drama right now that I don't need to add any more.
It's possible that she might be 'pushing your buttons', thing is, comments like that (to some gay people) could have the reverse effect and push them even further into the closet.
Well, these "gay-baiting" comments have the effect of keeping me in the closet ... as well as making me angry and depressed. I wish I could figure out a way to stop these kinds of conversations, but perhaps without coming out in the process. After all, who would want to out themselves to a homophobe?
Read this, my friend: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/130354-why-should-i-have-come-out.html I am not out to anyone, but when time comes, many of those statements will help.
If you want to come out, do it. I mean, straight people don't have to do it, so don't feel stressed to do it until the time feels right
That kind of crap is what prompted me to come out to one of my friends. He was assuming all the stereotypes were true and that gay guys would come to his tent and blow him in the night (we're both Boy Scouts), so I just said, "If you've got a problem with gay people then I shouldn't be sitting here." That shut him up fast. I don't think he was baiting me, because he didn't immediately believe me, but I'm out to him because of it. So far I've had good results, but I know that there are a whole lot of other people out there who have bad results. I wouldn't mention it to her unless you're really sure that she's suspicious, and even then only as a last resort. There are definitely people out there who do this, and a good number of them use the information for malicious purposes. My advice would be that if you think you're being baited, then don't come out. The bait may have a nasty hook attached.
This could be the intended effect. I swear sometimes my dad says things that aren't exactly homophobic, they're just ensuring a good sense of heterosexuality in me. One time he told me that more gays are in the media, but he feels bad for them, especially the men, because "the love of a women is such an amazing thing." Your mom might be trying to make sure you realize the gays aren't real and can just live as straight people and DON'T SHOVE YOUR SEXUALITY IN MY FACE. From context, it seems you still rely on your parents financially. Until this is no longer the case, or your mom changes her views drastically, I would advise against coming out. Make sure the will be no significant impact if they react negatively.
newfish - I'm not financially dependent upon my mom. The issue has to do with the emotional impact. I would be blamed for destroying the family. There's backstory I didn't mention in my original post. After my parents divorced, my dad (who was emotionally abusive and an alcoholic) had gender-identity issues. But my mom is so ignorant of GLBT issues that she would likely conflate the two. It would be quite easy to just dismiss me as being a reflection of everything terrible about my dad. I know that's the case, but I'll never convince my mom.
I sometimes wonder if this is what my parents are trying to do to me. They say such negative things about gay people a lot around me. It's like my parents know it pisses me off, so they keep saying stuff like that. If their intended effect was to make me come out to them (doubtful), it's not working. It pushes me further back in the closet with them (likely their real intended effect). :/
The emotional impact on who - you or your mom (or both)? The blame game would say far more about her ignorance, than it would about you. There is a big difference between blame and reality. In reality, your sexual orientation cannot have a destructive influence on the family, no matter what she says. When we're faced with homophobic people like your mom we really have to do an assessment of what is worse for us on an emotional level. Do we suffer in silence or do we suffer for not remaining silent? In my opinion, suffering in silence is the greater evil, as it can subject us to endless years of stifling misery, just for the sake of keeping a false peace.
Oh god, I definitely know how you feel. That's how some parents are, unfortunately. In my case, my Dad constantly makes homophobic comments to gay guys on TV. He also takes every chance he gets to tell me to check out a girl in public, sometimes making a scene and calling me irrational if I don't say anything about her. (Sometimes I just give in and call her cute.) I'm still financially dependent on my dad though, so I can't come out. It's kind of strange how sometimes we're willing to suffer just to please those that are close to us. My only advice is to hold on tightly and remember that you have us awesome EC people to talk to while you go through your journey. I couldn't decide for you if you should come out to her or not, because that's inevitably going to have to be your choice (and I haven't met your mom or your family personally, so I couldn't be the judge of how she/they would react) Just make sure not to make a rash decision, but you probably already know that.
Linco said - I have suffered in silence for years. I know it's doing bad things to me, psychologically and physically. Lately, I have fantasized about dying of some stress-related condition (such as a heart attack or stroke), and then my mom discovers all the gay movies/books while cleaning out my place. Then she would live with the guilt of killing her son with homophobia. Whereas if I came out, she's have someone to argue with about the morality of being gay vs. straight.
Yeah I'm frequently being asked by the more distant relatives about "how I'm doing with girls" whenever I visit them. But I have a long-lasting excuse: I'm far too busy studying well and ensuring that when the time comes I can await that girl in a financially secure environment, blahblah... It makes me want to cut all my contacts like that. But really I can deal with that because it's enough happiness for me to know that I'm right and they are wrong.
EncagedPhoenix - I did the same thing, saying I wouldn't date until I had a secure career, home, etc. Eventually people stopped asking (likely when I was in my late 20s). I don't know if they just started assuming I am a closet gay (the truth) or if they thought I was just asexual or an 'omega' man (unattractive / undesirable man of low social status).
