Problems with coming out to parents

So I'm not really sure where to start. I met my best friend when I was 12 and she was 15. She was lifeguarding at a pool I went to, and we immediately hit it off. We were basically inseparable from that time until now. We always have had a flirty relationship, and would hold hands when we were together, cuddle when we were together, and say "i love you" before bed every night. A few years ago, we stopped talking to each other after a big fight, and we both went through a lot of hurt caused by not talking. Last year, we began talking again and decided to give things another chance. Over the two years we spent not talking, we both realized we had more than friends feelings for each other, and wanted to explore those feelings as well. We began dating last July, and have never been happier in our relationship. I go to school a few states away, so we only see each other a limited amount of weekends, but we try to make the best of it.

My parents have never been extremely accepting of my girlfriend. When we were just friends, they would try to limit the amount of contact we had, and wouldn't leave us alone. When my girlfriend slept over and my mom caught us cuddling on my bed, she pretty much had a heart attack. My parents were both extremely happy when we stopped talking, and I guess were relieved because the "hurt" caused by the relationship was over. When we started talking last year, I told my mom and she seemed okay with it, but when i wanted to invite my girlfriend over to see my dogs my mom wanted no parts of it. During the summer (2013), my mom brought up my girlfriend multiple times, and made it very clear I wasn't allowed to be talking to her. The biggest slap in the face occurred when my Uncle died, and I called my girlfriend for support, but ended up sobbing on the phone with her. My parents stormed into my room, and demanded that I never talk to her again. They said she was "trash", and asked if I had feelings for her. I was honest, and said I was in love with her and wanted to try things out. This sent my parents over the edge. They swore that it was because of her that I was gay, and that she was turning me lesbian. I attempted to explain that people are born like that, and are not simply "turned" by another person.

Throughout the summer, I had to sneak out and say I was with other friends in order to see my girlfriend, and my parents were extremely suspicious and began demanding I sent pictures with my friends to prove I was with them. I was able to provide pictures, and this seemed to settle it for them. They would demand to see my texts with my friends before I left, and would track my phone while I was out. I had gone from a 20 year old college student with extreme freedom, to a 4 year old that needed permission from my parents to do anything, with a ton of suspicion and grief. The whole situation caused a big divide with my parents, and I felt like everything I did was like walking on needles with them.

Fast forward to this past winter break, when my girlfriend invited me to her family's Christmas Eve party. I told my parents I was going to the party, but said it was a different friend's. My mom texted me during the party for pictures, and of course I had no pictures as proof in this case. I ended up telling my mom the truth about where I was, and she started cursing me out on the phone. My parents showed up to the party, drove me home, refused to let me drive, and locked me in my room. I then got a very stern lecture, and was given the choice between keeping my family or being with my girlfriend. Again my parents asked if I had feelings for her, and I said I did. They said I was not able to be with her and be "part of the family" and I had to choose.

Originally, I chose my girlfriend, but realized I did not have enough money saved or a place to live if I lost my family, so I stayed. My parents took away my phone and computer, and treated me like a little child basically. When I was able to contact my girlfriend, we still wanted to be together and be with each other. Since then, we have managed to sneak around, and only see each other when she visits me at school, because my parents are not close. They have given me the same ultimatum, if I want to be with her, then I am giving up my family, and am not supposed to have any contact with them or see them again.

I really love my girlfriend, and plan on one day proposing to her and spending my life with her. I have come out to my close friends, and she has come out to her family who are very accepting. Since summer is drawing closer, I am dreading the three months that I will not be able to see her because of my parents. I was wondering if anyone has any ideas or advice about how to possibly get my parents to be more accepting, without rocking the boat too much, since I don't want to end up in another all out war with them. I don't know if it is because of this girl specifically, or my being lesbian/bisexual, or both, but I expect it is a combination of the two. It really sucks finding the love of your life and your soulmate, but not being able to share it with the people who supposedly "love you most", your parents. Any ideas would be extremely welcome of how to cope or deal with this!

 

It definitely isn't a religious reason. I know they haven't had a lot of exposure to this issue previously, but I feel like that shouldn't be a reason to despise it this much. They have said in the past it is because of the girl specifically, but if it's only because of a past they should be able to give her a second chance. I can't help who I love! I've tried to sneak around as much as I can, and just don't know how to get in any quality time with her. I am able to text her, and my parent's have never caught an actual message on my phone from her, but they have their suspicions. It is very hard to Skype because like I said, I am not trusted, so I don't spend much "alone" time in my house where I could talk to her face to face. Haha my parents are definitely crazy, and I wish they would just accept it. It's so frustrating. Thanks!

 

Thanks! She's pretty amazing if I do say so myself. Especially being with me throughout everything with my parents. I agree about wanting the love and support, and I totally wish they would just come around and support it. I am jealous of those people too. Especially my girlfriend's family, because I want that with my own family. All of her aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents know about us, and invite me to family gatherings, and it sucks when I can't go because of my parents. Thanks, and good luck to you too!

 

I have two more years at school and I dread thinking about having to deal with this for two more years with my parents. I don't know if finding a job is the biggest problem, more so just not having my parents there to support me. My parents haven't said anything about why they don't like her. Their previous reasons have included she's "trash" and because she would play with my hair and my mom caught us cuddling. So to me it just seems like they don't like her because she has feelings for me and they aren't okay with that.

---------- Post added 13th May 2014 at 01:24 PM ----------

Thank you!

 

I don't really know. I'm convinced they just don't like her because we were flirty with each other and because obviously we want to be together. Before we were dating our relationship wasn't healthy, and had a lot of hurt and backstabbing. We also had a lot of stupid fights and were both being very immature. I think my parents are scared I'm going to end up getting hurt by her again, but since we've addressed we had feelings and started dating our relationship has been so much better and we are both extremely happy in it. Since I've given her a second chance, I think my parents should be open and willing to too, but they want no part of it.