Hi there, I've been staggering with a certain thought for along time now, but it's only intensifying and becoming worse; first of all, I will say one thing: I'm not out to anybody I know in person, sometimes, even trying to doubt it within myself. So 10-years ago I met a girl from Mexico in French language training, we dated for a while, saw each other numerous times over the years.. and now, she wants to marry me and sends me messages non-stop, asking me to call her! I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her feelings, nor do i want to ruin a friendship. I've suffered quite a bit over the years between whether I am gay or not gay. Often I convince myself with evidence that I am, but then, I don't know what in the mind does it.. but I try to live a straight lifestyle and consider a longterm relationship with a woman- even though this thought tends to make me depressed and agitated. At the same time, well I conclusively believe that I am a gay guy, I can't envision myself in an open relationship with a man either- even though I am totally sure, that I am gay (I am 30-years old btw as of last month..) Since being a late teenager, I use to think I had ED problems (my first experience at 14 though with a girl was exceptional, never again after that would I describe it as good...). When I first met my girlfriend of this subject, we made out but I deliberately avoided sex because I knew it may not turn out favourable. Eventually I was able to buy Levitra (like Viagara) while in Mexico w/o a prescription, she tells me this was her best experience ever. I was not able to properly maintain an erection w/o the use of this drug (thank god this forum is anonymous...) Few months ago, I actually got tested to bring myself reassurance, my health and all the pertinent results related to ed were above good, on top of it.. being in excellent physical condition (avid jogging, no drinking, rare smoker...) At the age of 27, I had my first gay experience (well, technically 17 but I was too uncomfortable and abandoned who i was for 10-years). This was at a Montreal massage parlor. It was probably the best experience I've experienced. After that, I had a boyfriend for a few months that I met off an internet site, though I became so worried about hiv that it didn't materialize and we broke away. At the same time I was seeing this guy, I was seeing another girl who really liked me that I met in a safety course... really struggling with sexuality, though I didn't go past kissing the girl. Lack of intimacy due to my sexuality over the years, companionship, has caused me great degrees of depression and confusion over the years. I know I am gay, I am sure of it. yet at times, I still yearn to attempt relationships with the opposite sex, being so shy and nervous, of being in an open relationship with another guy. I am also so worried about hiv. I also now reside in a small city in a rural community. I wish I could tell people, at least a few people.. girls at least, taht I am gay. I find it good to come on here and read other peoples opinions, even telling myself/reassuring that I am gay. It is liberating. I've lived in the closest my entire life, feeling like I lost and continue to lose a lot of precious moments that life of normality provides. Now I'm being pressured to marry a girl, but I am gay- despite being unable to envision myself in a similiar marriage to another guy, as I could with a girl- though I don't find an intimate relationship with a girl overly attractive... yet still, can't imagine being with another guy, yet I am sure to myself I am a homo. If anyone read this far, can you give me some advice? Anything helps... Thanks
Just say you don't want to marry her, but you want to be friends. This might seem obvious, but no one can pressure you int marriage. As for the gay or not question, it sounds like there are some deeper issues there, and you might want to seek a counselor. It sounds like you're very closeted and in the stages of coming out to yourself. It takes time.
First, if you don't want to get married, it is totally okay. Marriage is a big step to take and not one to take lightly. If you don't want a relationship with the girl, don't have one. I think you need to stop worrying about her feelings but not to the degree of being aloof, just enough to be frank and honest with yourself, first and foremost, then with her. You will never have control of other people but you should always seek the path of most control with yourself. I don't see this ruining the friendship, true friends stay regardless and also respect your feelings. It goes both ways. Attempting a relationship with the opposite sex might cover your true self but it will never fulfill you. You sound like you are very sure about what you want and what your orientation is. Keep things simple. If HIV is something you are concerned about, don't have casual sex with strangers. Keep a committed relationship with someone you feel is stable enough for a longterm deal and get tested before you engage in intimacy. If that will reassure you, go for it. I asked my ex girlfriend for an HIV test after she told me she used to sleep with men in her past. I told her I wouldn't go that far with her until she got that done and she did. I wasn't happy to learn about her sexual past but my health and her commitment to us made it a little better. (That's why she is my ex, too many secrets, but anyway) That's an option. If you don't see yourself with anyone, that's okay too. I am 25, in a time of my life where I feel like for once in my life I need to be a bit more curious about my spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical self need a lot of TLC. Before I even begin to seek my other half out there, I feel that I must first be someone at peace with myself and ultimately, the world. So far I've made a lot of changes and come to lots of new realizations that have enriched my life. Ask yourself what kind of person you would like to find and know that he will come into your life at the right moment and the right time. Try focusing on the here and now. Life is full of different outcomes and possibilities. Along comes someone who will help you be more open, faster, stronger, wiser, calm, and someone who you know is here to stay in your heart. Remember that our fears stem from our need to survive.
Well, for starters - in my opinion - don't marry her! If there's good reason (and it sounds like there is) - and you're going to break her heart, it's better to do it as soon as you can. Delaying only makes things harder. You can care about how she feels, but in the end - there's nothing you can do to stop people doing what they do, thinking what they think or feeling what they feel. The best you can do is empathy. (reading between the lines) I could be very wrong, but it doesn't sound like you've had many extended breaks from being in relationships in your adult life. IF this is the case, I would recommend learning about yourself as a single man for a while before jumping into another relationship with a guy (or a girl). Bringing someone else intimately along on the self discovery train can end up a bit messy, as you may have noticed. Hope something here helps. Peace be with you.
Hi Pitabread514 Please, please, please read the many stories, in the LGBT Later in Life section of this website, of the many men, myself included, who are gay and have been, or still are, married. If you go down the route of marrying this girl you will set both yourself and her for tremendous heart ache and pain for the rest of your life. I think you should start by being honest with her and tell her of your confusion and of your previous gay experiences. I am sure that however painful it may be for her to hear that you don’t want to marry her if she knows the reason why in time she will understand and you will stand a higher chance of remaining friends. Sale Gay Guy
P.S. 100% Straight men don't have and enjoy "gay experiences" in gay massage parlours and have boyfriends. As for fear of HIV, the best way to deal with the fear is to fully educate yourself on its methods of transmission and the steps you can take to minimise the risk of catching it and also on the current state of treatments available. You can get medication to reduce the risk before any potential exposure, in the event of an “accidental exposure” you can get medication in the first 72 hours to drastically reduce any risk of HIV developing, and if you are very unlucky and become infected you can get treatment to give you a near normal life span keeping the virus at bay. The key points are, being educated on the risk, get vaccinated for Hepatitis A&B, play safe, and get regular testing. You might even want to get into the habit of regular testing before you start having sex with guys just so you get used to the test regime and make it a normal part of your life. Sale Gay Guy
When you have been living in the "straight" world as long as I have, it is very difficult to imagine yourself living with a guy, so there is nothing unusual about it feeling somewhat "creepy" to you. That does not mean that when you find the right person it will still feel creepy to you at that time, because there will be a dozen other feelings and hormones kicking in to override those feelings of awkwardness. Don't make the mistake of marrying some poor woman just because it may feel awkward in your mind right now to be with another man. Find some women you trust to share your secret with if that will make you feel more "liberated"; they can probably help you find a gay boyfriend once they know who you really are.
Believe me, you don't want to marry her. I am in the situation right now where I did marry and I regret it everyday. It's best to be honest with yourself so you don't have a huge hole to climb out of like I do.
