I think i made this a bit too long but i hope it's okay Now i'm about to turn 18 soon, I think i finally came to terms with my sexuality, All my life up until last year i didn't exactly know what my sexual orientation was, Because i never liked anyone my age and all these supposedly really hot guys my other friends we're into, I found meh, So i really questioned what i was for so long.. Then i discovered just these last 2 years that my love for older men that of 40 - 60, specifically not any younger or older grew so much stronger and that is what i only find sexual or that get's me turned on ( so to speak ), Now i kind of embrace it, And i just came out last week for the first time to about 5 people ( on a roll andcant stop) funny because i swore myself i never will just last year and that i'd get married and live a so called normal life (especially since i come from such a strict background/country) I've come out to my brother first then a few of my friends, And without hesitation i told all of them what i was also in too, Some told me 'that's really bad' and some said i had a mental disorder or daddy issues and one just said i'm a sick pedophile(okwhat) Anyway to the point! So just to clarify, My relationship with my dad is 'ok', He is very distant just like most dad's where i'm from, But he was there a lot during my childhood, But just the last few years he has'int been very proud of me let's just say, But it's definitely not daddy issues, And when i think of me when a much older man it's usually just like any relationship and we care for each other, No weird sexual fantasies or anything like that, I don't need any money from anyone and that's 100% not what i want for a relationship, But here is what my MAIN concerns are, If I were to have a relationship with an older man, can that destroy my life? If so, how? - I feel like I want to be in a relationship but I don't know if it's the actual relationship I want or if it's because I want sex. ( i'm still a virgin and never been in a relationship ) - Is it possible for me to develop feelings for people my own age? - I don't want to wait until I'm 45 years old to start dating but I feel like that is a safe thing to do. - Is there anyone out there that is roughly the same age as me and is in college or high school that is in a relationship with an older man? After some of the responses i've gotten kind of repulsed at myself but in the end i can't keep tearing myself about it, Is this okay? :/
Destroy your life, no. But it will likely really inhibit your social adjustment and development, your sense of independence, and your concept of what healthy relationships look like. One way to think about it: Why would an emotionally healthy 40 to 60 year old want to date someone the age of his son or grandson? The problem is, the older person looking for a younger one, in most cases, wants either someone to take care of, someone to control, or even someone to mentor. Even the mentoring role isn't appropriate in the context of someone you're having a relationship with. And the others are completely unhealthy. In addition to those issues, there are a lot of inherent power imbalances because of differences in life experience, income, stage of life, and other factors. In short, it's essentially impossible to have a healthy relationship with this kind of age gap, and when you talk to the people who have been in them (particularly the younger poeple), you almost universally hear about the above issues as the cause of relationship failure, and you hear how it affected self-esteem, independence, and other factors. It's really not a good idea. If you're feeling yourself drawn to it, it is an indication that you probably need to talk to a therapist and work through the issues. From what you've described, I would guess it is likely related to your father's emotional distance. That's usually (but not always) the origin of such feelings. ANd yes, it is absolutely possible to develop feelings for people your own age. Once you work on the issues that are attracting you to older guys, you'll find, naturally, that your attraction for people closer to your own age starts growing stronger. At least, that's been the experience of a lot of people here at EC and elsewhere who have worked on these sorts of issues. Also, if you're a virgin looking for a first-time sexual experience, I think you are likely to be a *lot* happier with someone close to your own age than with someone old enough to be your father or grandfather. When you look at the comments here at EC of guys who have hooked up with much older people... most of them have felt gross afterwards.
I see what you mean, You're spot on about what kind of older person would i attract and the concept of what a standard relationship would be, But really a mentoring or even a caring relationship would'int be too bad, I don't believe every single relationship should follow the same structure, Especially in my case, That's probably a good thing even... But you're right with what most younger people experience, That's why i'm kind of wary but this is the only way it could work for me.. There is no counselling or therapist because this is the way i've been since childhood, It's just my sexual preference not anything like a mental disorder, Or a needed father figure definately.. There is no sexual attraction to anyone my age ( i've tried many times before ), In the end it would be a relationship of pure love and not sexual if i would try to get with them, Thank's so much for the honest reply and i respect your concerns
Except mentoring isn't what you want in a boyfriend. That sets up an inherently imbalanced relationship which isn't going to be healthy. That's simply not true. *Most* cognitive/perceptual issues are things we get in our family of origin, and left unaddressed, we have them for a lifetime. But when we get help with them, we work through the underlying issues, and the attractions change dramatically. I've seen it happen here a number of times just on EC, and if you ask any therapist who has worked with people with these issues, s/he will tell you they're common and not that difficult to achieve positive change and movement toward much healthier relationships. So what it really boils down to is... are you wiling to do the work to be healthier and be able to have long-term, healthy relationships.
Yes that's why i'm here, All i care about is my long-term relationship with the person i love, And i know that with my case it'd be really difficult to have a long-term relationship, Why i'm so in denial is because i really find it hard to believe just a therapist can switch my whole sexual preference, Making me gradually change my age range, To me it really sound's 'pray the gay'-ish and more about hiding or changing my feelings but i feel as though it'll always be there, I am open and want a relationship with younger guys but the sex won't be all there.. I just don't feel anything, I'm not even slightly attracted, Flip the tables and imagine yourself with someone of 50-60 for example, This is what's it like to me, And i know there are a lot of people who are like me i've met.. But i'll look for help and will try.. thanks
I have to put in my 2 cents here. I also experience frequent attractions to older men. For me, it's not an entirely exclusive thing. I have had attractions for guys from their 20s thru 60s but more of them fall at the upper end of that range. It seems there are just certain qualities in men that I like and those qualities are more likely to appear in an older man. I'm 37 so the age gaps aren't as extreme for me. I know the risks of dating someone much older and that's why I haven't actually done it so far. If I were to do so I would proceed with the utmost of caution. Here's where I have a problem: So I can just get therapy to make me like younger men? Why not just keep going with it until I like women? Maybe everyone here at EC should just sit on the shrink's couch until they are attracted to who they are supposed to be attracted to. The whole basis of modern thinking on sexual orientation is that you can't change who you are attracted to. Maybe some people seem to have changed but they could have already had latent feelings for younger men. That said, while I firmly believe that you can't choose who you're attracted to, you CAN choose from among those who you will date, have sex with, and marry. And for those you must choose very wisely.
I'm 18 and also find older men attractive. It's so much easier to relate to an older man than a teenager for me, teenagers don't tend to have their minds developed enough to be attractive to me. I suppose that might be considered a mean generalization, but it's just what I've ran in to. Also there's no way I'm going to listen to the same music the young people are in to. Older men look pretty good too, especially around 40 years old. Men kind of look like boys for a long time after they are teenagers, some of them still look boyish in to their 20s, but someone around 40 looks fully developed to me.
OP, been there, done that. Now, I like people my own age. However, I will gladly interact with younger people who are very smart on a platonic and superficial level providing they also want to interact with me. First, it's not a daddy issue. None of these guys I checked out when I was in college looked anything like my dad. At all. The preferred look was a 40-something businessman in a suit who had a (rolled back in years) James Garner look. http://historyforsale.com/productimages/jpeg/188128.jpg What does this signify? I don't know ... an aspiration to perfectionism, a role model, envy, a sense of deficiency in myself. It really doesn't matter. However, I drew the line. I was attracted to the way they looked and carried themselves. The age difference was too large. Would I have messed around with them? Sure. I'm not going to lie. But I presume 99+% of them were straight. Did I want a friendship or a "relationship" with them? Of course not. If there is a longing for some kind of intimate longer-term rapport, I would see that as a red flag for the younger person. If the reciprocal situation exists, I would say the same thing. However, if you're reading the menu or checking out the "eye candy," then it shouldn't be a big deal. What's hot is hot and that's hard to ignore.
Hey, I know exactly what you are going through and I speak from experience. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to older people. In my circumstance I've always been consider mature for my age (23) so I find myself attracted mature men. It doesn't mean you have daddy issues, it doesn't mean you are mentally ill, it doesn't mean you are perverted, you are who YOU are and what you are attracted to is part of that, just like being gay. I have a boyfriend who is 47 and it is the best relationship I have ever had, at some point in a mans life they know what they want and who they want which I find refreshing. (not saying this is not the case for all the young relationships). I can't speak for all the older men but making a judgement on them like some people are doing on this thread is ridiculous.
Some people are not making judgments. They are putting out caveats. This sort of situation can work in some cases, and maybe yours is one of those cases, but sometimes the underlying basis for the connection is not as solid for these situations as it is for those in which the people are closer in age. This also applies to heterosexual couples, by the way. I am sure there is probably psychological data to back this up, though I'm not trained to look for such studies. Also, it varies with age. A 20 year difference is more noteworthy when one person is 20 and the other is 40. It's less of an issue when one person is 30 and the other is 50. And it's a non-issue when one person is 40 and the other is 60, though some will still raise an eyebrow at this. I weighed in as being in the "been there, done that" group, so I'm not judging. However, I look at it more in that someone is admiring someone for being at their peak, in all sorts of ways, when they are more mature, whereas someone who is 20 or 25 is realistically only at their peak in terms of their youth and fresh face. In terms of sophistication, success, confidence, and being more comfortable with themselves, the younger people have more road ahead of them. The road is long. Look at all the adults on the specific forums within the forum who are wrestling with one thing or another. So, even some adults are on that same road.
I can relate to you a lot, dude. We're the same age and it took me a long time to find out that I was gay because I have NEVER had a crush on any guy my own age. It wasn't until I started crushing hard on my teacher last year that I really realized how gay I was. I'm usually attracted to men that are at least double my age, and I simply find them a lot more intriguing to talk to as a whole. It's a bit scary sometimes, because I know that such an age gap would be unhealthy, but I'm hoping I can work past it if I meet someone close to my age that also acts very mature. But dude, you are NOT alone. I'm right here with you and I know just how hard it is, and how weird you may feel at times.
Yes, actually, you can, because the origins of age-related attraction are different than the origins of attraction to a specific sex. Attraction to older people is fairly common among people who have had adjustment issues in childhood (an absent or emotionally distant father figure is a common contributor) and it is one of the situations where processing and understanding that loss does, pretty consistently, allow you to have healthier attraction to people closer to the same age. Because that's been tested for 60+ years and there's zero credible evidence of any success with therapy (or any other intervention) to change sexual orientation, unllke therapy oriented toward helping people develop healthy age-appropriate relationships.
Hey, well i'm 30 and i've had more younger guys hit on me than older guys. They often said to me it was my confidence and kindness that attracted them. I've been a mentor for a while and I always make an effort to make someone feel comfortable so that they can talk to me. Younger guys are looking for a role model and someone to base themselves on, you are probably looking at that teacher for example and thinking, I wish I could be like him.
For me personally I think it is healthy as long as there is good communication and nobody is taking advantage of anyone. I am dating a older guy because I find them attractive and he is into a committed relationship and I like that. Of course I am just a few of the luck ones who don't have a unhealthy relationship in a age gap relationship but that is not to say it cannot work out long term. Just be safe and have fun with it.
I was not aware of this. It seems counter-intuitive to me that the mechanism that determines what gender we are attracted to is not under our control but the mechanism that determines what age we are attracted to is. If you have a source for this, please share. I would love to believe you.
I should have some citations in one of my books on relationship and attraction, so I'lll take a look for you. But it's not controversial or disputed at all as far as I know. The association between child/parent bonding and attachment and its effect on what kind of people we seek out as romantic partners comes up in practically every discussion of personality and interpersonal developmental theory, and in addition to theoretical applications, I've seen it in action here at EC with a number of people. I'll see if I can find a couple of references for you, but in the meantime, I think you'll find it's pretty widely accepted.
