Hey... I haven't been here in a while because I forgot my password. But, mostly just to think about myself. And, the circumstances that I am in make it so very difficult for me. I think my mom already knows that I am gay. But, she just never ceases to be a nuisance! When I was younger (about 7) I was watching some "gay stuff" on the internet, my mom looks on my history and finds what I was watching. She pulls me into the bathroom, and I start crying. She told me that she saw all that was on the computer and wanted to know if I was gay. She flat out asked, and I was just astonished. I kept telling her how I wanted to run away, because I was scared of what she would do to me. I looked her in the eye and said no. She was obviously relieved to hear that, because she said if she ever had a gay son, she would kill herself. She was the kind of person who would say very vulgar things about same-sex attractions. This fear of homosexuality, made me suppress my feelings. And I wanted to forget about it. It never left. Now, I am in my first year of High school. There are a variety of different people there, and some already free of the burden of sexuality. Recently, my grades have dropped and my mother notices. She somehow finds the opportunity to sneak into my room and talk to me. Tension builds as she continually asks me questions. She finally asks if I was because I was gay. I started to cry and she did the same. After hearing her stories of homosexuality, she finally had the audacity to tell me that homosexuality was a n abomination in the eyes of god. And she finds that when men stick their tongues in each other's throat she wants to vomit. She asked me if I wanted to choose to be this way, because if I did, she would refuse to live under the same roof as me. So I said that I wanted to be straight. She had me talk to a priest, and he suggested I to to therapy. Yet, I have never met with him/her yet. I KNOW I am gay. I just hate the fact that I can't be who I am because it'll ruin my family. I've been scared and confused, and the fear won't go away. I don't know if I'll ever accept myself. I am terrified. I just want happiness, because living with her and my horrible family just make me feel trapped. I have no one to talk to because I am afraid that EVERYONE would know if I came out. So I am starting small, because I have small hopes that my life will get better...and that I will hopefully accept myself. AGE:14 GENDER:Male P.S. Is it right for someone to drag/force emotional, private secrets out of you? Even if it is your mother?
No, it is NOT okay for someone to do this. That is a very unhealthy situation she is putting you in. Unfortunately, it seems there is no option for you at this point other than to keep quiet about you're sexuality. However, as soon as you are financially independent and can move out, do it. Not really sure what other help I can offer you, having never been in such a situation, but good luck! (*hug*)
I agree with Newfish - she is putting undue pressures on you when you should be growing up … free as a bird !! Especially to say things like that to you when you were only seven … is really out of order. " if she ever had a gay son, she would kill herself…" is a very careless and damaging thing for any parent to say. I hope you can see through it … that it is her problem and her 'device' to control things her way.. all about her own feelings and not yours Now you are 14, going on 16…18…21…you must become yourself and more confident. Her interrogations need to ease off and your privacy in your room/ on your computer should be respected more. I hope it goes that way good luck with her in the future !!!!
Just in case your mom ever does kill herself, remember that that is her problem not yours. You did nothing wrong by being gay as it is not a choice.
I don't think she will though. That's an extremely manipulative move, but probably only meant to make you feel bad and scare you out of coming out.
In this situation I thought about "Fake it till you make it". By that I mean act straight for her eyes or keep a low profile for at least through high school. Within those years focus on how you can attain independence at the end of high school. Then when you are able to support yourself financially you can move out. I hope this helps
How do I accept myself, that's what makes all the difference. I am just really scared. How did you guys do it, and how long did it take to accept your selfs as opposed to my situation...
Yes, your mom is a very devious and manipulative person. I agree with Chi29, you may need to just stay under the radar until you can leave for college. You should really try to talk with friends (who you trust) about this.
Also reach out to your school counselor. Let them know about the threats she made about kicking you out of the house. Do not tell your mom you have talked to the school counselor though. Legally speaking, she can tell the counselor they are not to speak to you if she knows you've gone to them.
