So within the past couple months I've come to terms with the fact that I'm gay and I'm now desperately wanting to come out. However, my parents are very conservative Christians and I'm not sure they would take the news very well. To make matters even more difficult my Dad has gone through a really tough ordeal involving his health, so my parents are already really stressed with everything that has been happening. I feel like if I came out now my Mom would just be beside herself with grief and my Dads condition is such that it could be aggravated by any extra stress. Also I'm starting college this fall and my parents are helping pay for it. While I'm pretty sure they would continue to financially support me, there is also a fear that they could withdraw any monetary help. I'm just so torn though, I'm really close to my parents and talk to them about everything so keeping this secret from them is killing me. Recently I've started just lying in bed for hours on end cause I feel so depressed and horrible about it. My parents have noticed something is up and asked if I was okay. I've just been telling them I'm sick and I'm just tired; which makes me feel worse because that's more lies and secrets I'm keeping. (And today I overheard them talking saying "he sure has been sick a lot lately. Which made me feel so awful I got sick to my stomach) I don't know what to do. Should I just say here in the closet and let them a happy clueless life or is it worth it to come out and risk disrupting the delicate equilibrium my family is in now. Also. I forgot to mention I have 3 younger sibling and I'm not sure my parents would want me around them if they found out I was gay. This would probably be the worst punishment as I dearly love my siblings and I'm not sure I could handle not being able to visit them.
Aw shadowpuppet...I am so sorry about this situation. Do you go away to college, in the fall, or will you still be living at home? I think in this situation, this is what I'd do: I would embark upon my freshman year of college, and during that year, see about getting as many scholarships that you can maintain, yourself, as you can. If you think that you can get enough aid without your parents' help to finance your sophomore year of college, then see about coming out to them after your freshman year. After 9 months' time (one school year) maybe your family will be in a less delicate place, too, with the other things that are going on. You know? As for your siblings... ...I can only pray that your parents don't do that. (Forbid them from seeing you.) The second option, since this is eating away at you so much inside, is to just come out when you need to come out. You know, if you believe in God: God has an interesting way of timing things, sometimes. It may just be that whatever time you choose to come out, is in actuality the exact right time. I wish I knew what more to say. :/ I feel for you on the feeling almost physically ill bit, because of wanting and needing so much to get rid of the secret. *hugs* I'm sorry it's so bad right now.
As I can not say that I'm truly out to my parents I'll try and give you advice simply because I would like to try and help. Now even though they are Christians they are your parents and it shouldn't matter who or what you are because I'm sure you are more important to them then their religion is. Now on one end if they choose to be close minded about it if and when you tell them remind them that you are still you no matter your sexual orientation. I think the best course of action would be to just tell them because it seems to be eating away at you and that isn't healthy. But if they do freak an do these things you mentioned like not letting you visit your siblings, I have to say that they are being freaking ridiculous and that they shouldn't be able to stop you from seeing your siblings simply because of your sexual orientation. This is all the advice I can give you at the moment since I'm not being truthful to my parents at the moment either but then again I'm still confused. Anyway I would like to know how it goes if you tell them so maybe I can give you some more advice. Just trust your instincts and do what YOU believe is right because fearing what others think about you is not the right path to go down even if they are your parents.
all_paths - Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will still be living with them during my first year of college as the college campus is only half an hour from where we live. I've definitely been considering something similar to your first suggestion, thankfully my grades are very good and I do a fair amount of volunteer work, scholarships have been pretty easy for me to aquire. Whether I can maintain those scholarships that have been granted already remains to be seen. I'm still not sure if they even would drop support, because despite being very fervent Christians they are not at all the type to bash or speak meanly of LGBT people. They are always telling people at my church that "they are just like any other unsaved person, so treat them nicely". In regards to my siblings, based on my Moms recent reaction to me listening to pop music, I believe if they do allow me to be around my siblings I would have to present a "whitewashed" version of myself to them. As for the second opinion, you have no idea how much I've debated this. The other day, I had to take a long car ride with my mom; I nearly blurted it out right then and there. I do believe in God, but I'm still trying to reconcile my faith with my new found sexuality. I just wish I could know for sure it would all work out. P.s. Do you think it would be a bad idea to be out at college even if I'm not out to my parents? Hunter427 - Based on what they say when they talk about people being gay I really don't know if they would ever fully accept me if I came out. In a way, I'm actually afraid they will think that "I'm still me" because then they might think that there is still hope in getting the "old" me back. And if I did come out probably what would happen is, I would be allowed to say at home, but I wouldn't be able to speak about being gay to my siblings, they would want me to talk to our pastor, I'd never EVER be allowed to bring a boyfriend or the like anywhere near the house, and they wouldn't look at me the same and would constantly be praying that I would be straight. The thing is they're my parents, I really love them I just don't know if I could handle being rejected for who I am. Hunter, I'll try to keep you updated if something does happen and I just randomly tell them. Thanks again for the replies, it's been so nice just to get this off my chest.
Does it have to be your parents you come out to? If you are desperate to share and you are worried about their reaction and/or the impact to your father's health, then what about a close friend or two, or joining a LGBT support club at your new college. Sometimes just the simple act of sharing with someone will release a lot of tension, and then you can be in a better frame of mind to find the right time to tell your folks.
^This. @shadowpuppet: I know when I came out to my best friend first, and that went very well, a lot of the extreme pressure I was feeling to come out to my mom abated, a bit. In fact, with every new person I tell and have felt comfortable with myself around, I've grown more confident and less stressed about the coming out to my parents part. As far as being out to people at college even if you're not out to your parents: I think it's a calculated risk, based on: How many of the people at this college might be old high school friends who might also be part of your parents' church and who might talk to them? My general answer would be: "Go for it! College is definitely a more accepting place and a great time to come out." But if what I brought up is true (lots of Christian friends who know your parents and might be "concerned" and 'tattle') - then I'd be careful who, at college, I came out to. It can always get back to them (your parents). But then again: Maybe it would be worth not caring about that? (Know what I'm saying?) As far as your siblings go: Your parents might pressure you into presenting a "whitewashed" front in front of your sibs, but: In private, can't you just speak to them and tell them how it really is? Just explain to them the way you want to, and let them judge and think for themselves. Don't let your parents "erase" you, who you are, in front of this young generation. It's important for them to know and see gay people, and know that they're just the same as straight people. And, just think: What if one of your little sibs turns out to also be gay? They might desperately need you, even to just know you are too, for support. (*hug*) I wish you all the best. We're all here for each other. (&&&)
You could come out to your siblings first? Explain it the way you want to, to them - then come out to parents after? Burst the bubble, so to speak?
I'm a bi, closeted yet conservative Christian in most ways(except for sexuality) here still at 31. I would get a gauge on how they feel about sexuality first. How are they about certain groups? Who do they donate to? I hate to name drop, but how do they feel about Westboro and other groups? I would recommending waiting until you get to college for a year if you can. Is this a Christian college or public university? Once you get there, try to find a gay friend, preferably LGBT Christians(yes we do exist). Get to know them and find a pastor in the area who is moderate/liberal that will not judge you or out you, yet hold the basic tenets of the faith. You'd be surprised how many there are. If that doesn't work, come out to a counselor like I have. Thankfully, I have both a pastor and counselor in my corner. I would not recommend coming out to your siblings first because they could use info to blackmail you. Whatever you do, don't wait a decade like I have. I really think waiting 1-2 years to come to a lot of people might be the best thing, except for some gay friends or liberal friends.
olides84 - I'm actually not that worried about coming out to my friends. I only have a few really close friends and they would be totally fine with me being gay. The only problem with telling them first would be that they kinda aren't the best at keeping secrets. :/ if I came out to them, it would basically be like telling everybody. (don't think that they are super insensitive, it's just their kinda flaky disposition would make them likely to mention it in mixed company) All paths - I know for a fact that no one from my church is going to that college, actually it's a state university(and has a reputation at church for being quite liberal, so the kids are warned of it so called dangers.) so I don't have to worry about that. The biggest risk would be that my parents know a couple faculty members. The area in which we live is also known for being a very tightknit community which might make news more likely to get back to them, however, like you said, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. I don't know if I'd be comfortable talking with my siblings seperately from my parents , they might see it as trying to go behind their backs and subverting their authority. That would definitely get me in trouble. I don't want to give them any reason to be mad at me. biguy8 - My parents aren't exactly the most accepting when it comes to other sexualities, they tend to follow the whole, love the sinner hate the sin policy that so many Christians assume. They dont really donate to any organizations, maybe they occasional care package for less fortunate children type of thing. They DO NOT like or condone the actions of the Westboro church and think that it's a horrible hate group that gives a bad name to real Christians. They also don't really say much about LGBT matters so it makes it kinda hard to judge what their reaction would be. Whatever I end up doing it's gonna be sometime in the not too far future, I don't want to spend to much of my life trapped here in the closet. Do you guys think it would be an okay idea to come out to one of the professors at the university(who also happens to be our neighbor and long time friend of the family, I kinda consider her to be a grandmotherly figure) I know for a fact that she is quite liberal and has LGBT friends. I think she'd be able to keep it to herself.
That actually sounds like a great first person (and potential friend/ally) to come out to! She could make an excellent liason to talk "reason" with your parents, one day. :icon_bigg
As you can see from my title, I have only come out to my gay Christian friends(ones I do not see all the time), a pastor, and my counselor. I love my friends, but I don't want to burden them with trying to keep a secret right now. I nearly told my younger brother, but it is just so risky(even though he is liberal) because he lives with my folks. You shouldn't wait too long, but I would build up your scholarships as has been mentioned and gain a good college support system around you before you come out to your parents. Do you know any of your neighbors' LGBT friends? Keeping your confidence is key here.
You seem so distressed about being in the closet that it is affecting your mental health; this is not where you need to be when you start college and continue to live at home in this religion-influenced unhealthy environment. Since the source of your problem seems to be somewhat religiously based, I am hesitantly suggesting that you consider bringing home a copy of "Prayers for Bobby" and watch it with your parents, and use it as prelude to coming out to them now. IF you were going away to college and not living at home, then you might consider just coming out in your new environment and telling them later, but that is not what you are planning to do. Sometimes there seems to be no obviously great and painless choice to make in specific situations like yours, but open honesty provides the comfort of knowing that you have been straight and honorable about who you are, and shifts the burden of acceptance to your parents, where it belongs. Whatever you decide, you can always come here to talk about how things are going for you; we aren't going to judge you harshly for being who you were born to be.
Yossarian - I'm not sure if being closeted is having that much of an effect on my mental health. Keep in mind that all of my dad's health problems have cropped up very recently, and (without going into too many details) my dad actually almost died in the hospital. I think all these emotions have just been building up and amplified my feelings of distress. Now that I've had a few more days to process(just being able to write about it on here has helped with that immensely) I'm dealing with it better. I mean I still feel pretty iffy on the prospect of being out to my parents but I think, based on others advice, if I can come out to a few other people first I'll be able handle it all, and then come out to my parents at a later date. I would love to have my parents watch that movie. I can't really think of a way to get them to watch it though. I doubt they would watch it willingly. Your idea makes me think though, I really need to read up on religious reasonings for accepting homosexuality. They might be more inclined to accept me being gay if they know I'm really sure and have done my research on the matter.
