I feel like I'm walking a lonely road

Courage is something that grows in time. You will need more of it, but right now you are already getting to know who you are, and that is a great start.

I've been told by religious folks that God doesn't make people go through, experience, or do anything that they cannot handle. I do not know if you take anything from religion, but that is what many who are claim. I suppose it works for them; though I could write a book on this.

You're relatively young; you have a few more years to get ready. I know it's hard, and the world seems to be intangible to you. But you are not alone. I am sure there are many like-minded individuals around, but they, unlike you, have not even begun to question their surroundings. To even begin questioning requires courage. It is unfortunate that we live in a world where profit comes before pleasure, oppression comes before opportunity, and judgment comes before justice. But the best thing you can do is prepare for the journey ahead, when you will have the means to escape from this temporary bondage and begin your journey. Through these experiences and progressions, you will begin to learn more about yourself, and perhaps this will provide the necessary degree of courage and insight you need.

When you live your life for another, this isn't love. It's gradual decay. Those who actually respect you for who you are, won't ask you to do for them, they'll ask you to do for you. You will have to make a decision, do you keep those around you, who may reject and criticize you happy, or do you seek what will bring you clarity? It may be hard to not want to hurt your loved ones or have them feel shame, but this goes both ways, why would you want to be hurt and shamed by those you love?

Find your goal, and go for it. Along the way you'll build up a passion to see it through, and the closer you get, the more confident and courageous you will become. Then, you will have the necessities to face this, and put it behind you.

 

I know how you feel. I'm the first one in my family (that I know of) who is gay, and I feel so different/alone sometimes. Most of my friends are straight, too. I do have a gay friend, but we don't really talk all that often anymore unfortunately. I don't plan on remaining closeted to my family forever (although I feel like I should have came out to them already... a long time ago), but I dunno.. I'm just not ready yet. At least my best friends know and are there for me.

 

I'm a lesbian leading a so called "normal" life with my wife and son. We own a house in the suburbs and spend time doing all of those somewhat boring middle age, middle class things. Being gay certainly doesn't hinder that. My mom wasn't thrilled when I first came out, but she has become more accepting with time.
My point being, don't compromise who you are. That is a recipe for unhappiness, and something that won't just involve you if you don't marry for love.
Oh, and I'm the only LGBTQ person in my family, even my extended family.

 

It's normal to feel like the "black sheep" of the family when you first come out (to yourself and/or others).
I felt the same way for quite a while.
As time goes by, you'll find out that there are other "different" people in your family though. They might not neccessarily be gay, but there might be other things about them that make you feel like less of a "freak".
For me, (as an example) it was finding out that one of my uncles became a Jehovah Witness and as a result disowned his daughter from his previous marriage.

Not saying you are a freak by the way. You can choose to be if you want to though.

Peace be with you.

 

You are not alone, I know what it feels like. I am the only person in my family to be not straight (im bi) and it is lonely. Just hold in there for a little longer until college, thats what I am trying.

 

You're not alone. In my immediate family, I am the only one that is gay. I shared some of the same feelings you are feeling now when I was in high school. I secluded myself because I suspected myself to be not straight and thought it would be considered strange among my friends. Don't fall into this trap, it will lead you down a path of sadness and despair. I thought that I would be abandoned from my family and never talked to again but that never did happen. Don't give up when life seems hard and never forget that you are normal. Normal is such a relative term; for people who are gay: Same sex attraction is normal, so don't think even for a second that you're not normal. We all know how hard it is but we have to keep on traversing against all odds.

(*hug*) (*hug*)

 

I completely see where you're coming from, right now is a difficult time for you. When I was fifteen/sixteen, I went through a very similar process. The idea of coming out was so abhorrent to me that I put it off as something that didn't need to happen for years. I often considered going out with girls so things could be easier. But that is not who you are, and you will come to terms with that and start to love yourself in time. There's a healing process that you need to go through of learning to accept who you are, and you've taken a great step already in coming onto this thread and discussing how you're feeling. That's something I've only just managed to do at twenty years of age!

Just remember that being the first in your family isn't a bad thing. Your family love you and will continue to love you no matter who you fall in love with. Try to think positively. It always helped me to imagine a future with a man in my life who I loved. Thinking of the future will help you to come out to yourself.