At the end of November 2007, I came out over AIM to a friend of mine whom we'll call Bernadette. I made her promise that she wouldn't tell anyone, and she agreed. She even told me that she was bisexual, which was apparently kind of an open secret among her theatre friends in her town. I met her through the community theatre organization in her town, which is about 20 minutes away from where I live. Anyway, around mid-June, I tried to come out to another friend of mine (about 11 years older than me, from the same town as Bernadette), whom we'll call Alice. But Alice threw me for a loop when she told me that she already knew! As it turns out, Bernadette told her 60-ish hippie co-worker, whom we'll call Lorelai, my little secret. Lorelai happens to be very heavily involved in the theatre as well. On May 31, Lorelai came into the theatre and told Alice and a few other people who happened to be there that I'm gay. Fortunately, the super-conservative guy who was there didn't overhear, because I ran into his equally-conservative sister and mother at work yesterday and they seemed to have no problem with me. I know what Bernadette and Lorelai did, but they don't know that. When I attended a play at the theatre a few days after I found out what happened, Loralai was there and initiated a conversation with me. I told her I wouldn't be coming back to the theatre, and she feigned innocence, asking me if something happened. I said no. Here's my main question: should I say anything to Bernadette about this? I've been ignoring her phone calls and messages since I found out what she did, and she's started to get that I'm probably mad at her about something. Just yesterday, she sent me a message inviting me to a potential party and asked again if I'm mad at her. I've had at least two dreams where I've confronted her about it. In one, she drove off and some fictional character died trying to go after her; in the other, I pushed her off of me when she chased me down to give me a hug in the middle of a party with her theatre friends at Wal-mart. Should I tell her what I know? I don't want to be her friend any more; I know now that she's not trustworthy. Why would I want to be friends with someone I can't trust? I can move past the offense, but my trust is still broken nonetheless. Would it be best to simply tell her that and to try to control my anger? I suppose I should resist the urge to lash out and play mind games with her. I would have to be careful so as not to anger her in such a way that she spills my secret to others there, as people she knows attend church with people from my school and I have cousins who live in that town as well. I don't plan on doing any more shows at that theatre since I can't take the unnecessary risk of having someone there tell someone from school or my family, which also makes me very sad. So what should I do?
I don't exactly think she meant to break your trust. If you think about it, she was openly bisexual within her theatre group - therefore she probably assumed it would be safe to tell them. Or she made an honest mistake. And she's still wanting to be friends with you, and she's asking you about it. Just politely talk to her about how you don't feel comfortable with other people knowing (and talk to Lorelai too). I doubt she meant anything malicious by it. Just don't tell her secrets anymore.
Hi there! I'm sorry that this happened to you. Given that that her sexual orientation is an open secret within the theater there is a chance that she wasn't thinking about the fact that you are not ready for other people to know. I think you should talk to her about it. Obviously she has betrayed your trust and I think you should tell her how you feel about it and that it was not for her to tell to someone else in the first place, and see what she says. You are angry right now, but maybe if you talk to her, you will change your perspective on it. If you feel that you can't be friends with her anymore, you could tell her that you need some distance from her as you are not sure if you can trust her anymore. Given that you are worried that she might out you to others as well, try to be as calm and nice to her as possible when you talk to her. Try to stay on good terms with her and just leave it at that. As for the theater, it is too bad that you feel that you can't go back there anymore. Maybe give it some time, and think about it if you do can return to the theater. Maybe also inform Lorelai as to why you left. It seems to me that they are accepting and I think talking to them about it and making sure that they also know your side and feelings is important. But it is really up to you. I hope this helps!
>>>So what should I do? First off, come up with simpler fake names for these people. I can understand you getting mad about Bernadette - you told her not to tell, and she clearly did. But think - you don't know precisely what Bernadette said, or how. Bernadette may have simply told Lorelei, "Oh, there's plenty of gay guys here in theater. Beans is, for one." In a case like that, Lorelei had no idea that it was supposed to be kept under wraps. So if it came up in conversation, she wouldn't have any qualms confirming this information, or adding it to the conversation. As far as Lorelei knows, you're gay, and you don't care who knows. So be angry as much as you want with Bernadette, but until you know the entire story, it's not fair to lay the blame squarely on Lorelei as well. Best bet - call her. At a time when you can really talk. Tell her that you had told Bernadette that information in confidence, and it wasn't supposed to go beyond that until you felt you were ready. And now you feel your trust is betrayed, your secret is out there, and you don't know what to do. My guess is Lorelei will be very apologetic and understanding. Lex
Hey=] I'm Jon Now then, I'm gonna go through two things First: If she didn't mean to do it (which I'm sure she didn't) you definitely should talk to her about it. I mean things slip out all the time... ask yourself honestly, have you NEVER let anything slip by accident? If you can't trust her the same way, it's okay, give it time, but she needs to know what's wrong, because she's obviously worried she did something... Second: She did it on purpose (which I'm sure she didn't). Well, I went through a similar thing with a friend when I came out to them, they started making fun of me behind my back. So, I talked to them about it and it stopped, obviously we've never been as close but we are still friends. So, I think the key thing it to talk it through, always talk=}
Yeah, I guess you're all right. I'll talk to her, probably this afternoon. Thanks for all the advice.
