Ok, after being on the forums for almost 2 months, I've started to see the biggest problem that we go through: Crushes. Its that guy that you just are going crazy over, and he's just so hot (i know all of you have a crush like this). Now, I'm having trouble settling my mind on this topic, and I'm curious how many people agree with me on this issue: I've found that many people obsess over the plain fact that they like somebody and cant tell them about it. Now, before anybody gets insulted over this more blatant idea, save your reply for a little bit and let me just get out a story that occured very recently. I've been hanging out with these 2 kids a lot lately. I've known both of them for the past 4 years. All of these years i was very aware of liking guys, but i never was attracted to these guys. So, now I've become pretty good friends with them, and they see me as a pimp because for some reason girls latch on to me. I honestly dont remember the last time i actively pursued a girl because i actualy liked her. it was probably more than 2 years ago, but while I'm around other people, its like it doesnt matter who i like, I'm supposed to be straight. Now, little more explanation, I've had a fair few crushes, one of them has turned into my best friend now (who is so extremely good looking), and the others are just mere acquaintances. but the first one there, my friend, i was really attached to. we had met and became friends while i had a crush on him, and i never really came out of the crush. so anyways, what I'm trying to get at is that we are still good friends, and that i am still very attracted to him. The thing that still keeps me sane around him, though, is that i believe that he is straight, and i am able to dismiss him as a possible boyfriend. Now, just recently ( i know, that was quite a long digression) i had this very intimate dream with one of my friends i've been hanging around with. It's like I never realized that he is good looking somehow. So, I was very preoccupied the next day with questions like, there's no way i could like this guy, we're good friends, and it's not like i have been attracted to him much before. Little by little, i started realizing just how good looking he really is. then it occured to me, of course he's hot, but it's not like it'd even be worth it obsessing about him. After all, there's too many downsides to telling him i like him. I think it's much better to just accept the fact that he's good looking, and that there'll be other people to obsess over. I think that the biggest thing that gays need to be able to do is to distinguish between lust and friendship. sure that guy is hot, but is that something you really want to pursue? I am open to any thoughts anyone has, Its hard to form a solid opinion without hearing any other thoughts on the subject.
You need to realise you're speaking from a really specific set of circumstances, namely that you're in the closet and in high school and so everything is even more intense than it would normally be. People of all sexual persuasions get crushes on people that might be unattainable or who they think are unattainable. It's not specific to gay guys. Granted it might be more likely that the object of a gay guy's lust is going to be unattainable (namely straight) but this is hardly something that's endemic to queer people. You think straight guys don't end up friends with girls they've got crushes on? Or straight girls with crushes on gay guys, for instance? If you were out and interacting with more gay people, you wouldn't be facing nearly as many cases of unrequited lust/love as you are now. But the fact of the matter is that everyone is always going to face unrequitedness and it's not like gay guys are any better or worse than anyone else in figuring out the difference between friendship and romantic and/or sexual relationships.
Just a thought... do Straight guys have female friends? There are very few straight guys I know that have female friends, and that they actually want nothing but friendship with them... if any! It's the same with gay guys... only that we are interested on people of the same sex, so It's hard to be friends with them, to trust them, to know them, to love them, and not to want to be closer and closer to them. I'm not saying that gay guys lust after each and every one of their male friends... I do have many male friends, and most of them are just friends, even though I would trust them with my life. And usually my crushes are people I don't really think about as friends... and some times, just some times... people I don't even like.
Yes, in the wider world, straight guys do have female friends. And maybe there's some sexual tension there, just like with gay guys who have male friends. But it does happen and it's not unusual. A lot of my best guy friends are people I've been formerly involved with or had crushes on. Just because you are or were "into" someone doesn't mean you can't be friends with them.
Even though it hurts just to think of that person, it tears your guts and rips your soul just to be with that person, you do it anyway, because you can't help it and you just need to be close to him.
Actually, you can help it... it's just a matter of realising and accepting that. Lots of people engage in emotionally masochistic behaviour because they feel powerless to stop it but in reality, we have choices. So sometimes it's better to question why we do what we do rather than let ourselves be overwhelmed by the feeling that we must do it.
I agree with you joey, that things would probably be very different if i was open, and i knew people i could actually date. I also think that gays ought to go through a process of realizing that there are some people that they just cant date, and we have to be able to stop our crushes by turning them into an appreciation for others. In other words, we need to realize that when we get a crush that can't be fulfilled, you can use that crush to find out what you really like in a person, and therefore, you can find a truely dateable guy, instead of just obsessing over your crush.
Very good point hawkeye. But I also think that it not only applies to gays, but everyone else in this world.
AC: homophobic, not very bright, not exactly my definition of the perfect male body, not a personality I really like. Still I find myslef obsessed about him. And believe me, I do try to find things I like in him. The only logical reason I found for my crush is the respect I have for him and he has for me. And the fact that he is extremely confident.
Yeah... the most weird thing is that I don't think about him when I masturbate. The only times when I think about him, my thoughts are... well... PG13 You know... just lying in a couch, watching a movie, cuddling, or perhaps even kissing... not raw-Falcon Studios-like sex. sorry if I was a bit graphic at the end...
Yea, i wish i had a guy to just snuggle with, and hold hands. I just love holding hands, i hated it when i had a girlfriend who was so closed up we never even held hands much. still in the closet, so i've never had a boyfriend before, but i think it'd be great.
It's funny... mostly if I have a crush on someone, they are not hardcore fantasy material for me. If I'm dating someone, I don't fantasise about them when I'm masturbating. Oh well... guess I'm not as weird as I could be.
If only we were lesbians. Random start i know but i when i was coming out to my best mate ahe was talking about why it was such a big deal and everything and we got onto the subject or telling someone you like them. SHe was saying that if a girl came up to her and siad i fancy you she would be flattered and jsut say that shes straight and thats that all nice and easy. But with guys it seems like there going to get all worried and wierd about it and possibly even agressive as they try to prove there a 'real man'. If only we could tell a guy we fancy him then all the crush stuff would be a lot easier.
Yea, there's this one kid who, whenever i see him, i just want to tell him how cute he is, but like that'll ever happen.
hmmm... in my case i just want to hug him and kiss him passionately... but i feel the same. And I REALLY doubt that will ever happen... damn homophobic!!!
Speaking of these things, there's this kid i just saw in marching band today who's also realy cute, man do i love band, that makes 3 kids, and best of all, the cutest one hangs out with my friends! its the perfect excuse to do goofy things. I'm the type of kid who's always got something crazy, like today i had suckers, i know, you're thinking "wow, crazy", but i play tombone (wind instruments players arent supposed to have food during band) and i'd have this thing in instantly during the breaks. Other day's i'd have things like wooden sticks as swords, giant rubber bands, magnet darts( which we'd chuck across the hall at lockers), cd launchers, and my all time favorite, the skittles dispenser. so today i was able to offer the kid (my crush, how about i call him K) a sucker. ehh i know it sounds stupid, but i typed all of this and i'm to lazy to edit out the stupid stuff. But i do like being around "K", so i guess it's somewhat relevent.
I totally agree!!!! Why is it that girls can hug, hold hands, kiss, slap each other's butts, boobs, etc, etc; and it is like the most normal thing. I remember watching a segment on the psychology of women (20/20 I think), and watching the video segments of women actually doing these things. You'll never catch a video segment of men doing the same thing unless it was about a gay topic. Women are just so open about there feelings, while men are constantly trying to hide any emotions (why do you think our girlfriends are always complaining and upset that her boy friend won't say 'I love' you?) It would be easier if we could do the same thing!!!
Welcome to the wonderful world of gendered socialisation, where men are taught one thing and women are taught another. Yeah, it really, really sucks. It's getting better though, here in Vancouver at least.
