Hi guys, Like everyone in this thread, I'm looking for some advice on how to proceed at the moment. I'm gay, and have known I was gay for many years now. I am twenty years old, and only one person knows I'm gay. I came out to my sister when I was fifteen. Since then, in almost five years, I haven't managed to tell anybody else, which is strange because her reaction was fantastic. I think I remember the experience as a bad one because I was completely not ready to be out, and I told her because I was emotionally vulnerable more than actually wanting to be out. In the almost five years that have elapsed, things have changed a lot for me. I've become much more confident, I'm moved out of my parents' house, and I'm much more accepting of being gay. Yet I have a terrible, irrational fear of coming out, even though I think people would be accepting. My question is who is best to come out to first? I have some friends who I think would be accepting, but I don't want to break down in front of them and make them feel that I need to be looked after. But I also don't want to tell my family first and face all the implications that come with that. I am aware that coming out can only be a good thing, but I want the process to be as smooth as possible. So what do people think? Friends or family first? Thanks in advance!
Hi SherlockHolmes (great moniker!), welcome to EC! It has been my experience (and that of many others) that you start at the outer edge of your circle of friends and acquaintances, people with whom you have a relatively superficial or area-specific (work or school) relationship. It is much easier to come out to people with whom there is no strong emotional component. As you proceed, you will find it getting easier and easier (with practice). Once you have built confidence, you can start working on those who are closer to you, e.g. aunts/uncles/cousins, good friends, people you know you can trust. It's good that your sister knows (and has managed to keep this to herself for 5 years!). You can likely consider her an ally when it comes to telling those closest to you (by then, you'll be a pro at it); the nervousness never really goes away, you just learn to deal with it better. To my mind, going through the process of coming out is one of the "advantages" of being gay and open about it. It's a tremendous opportunity to exercise your courage muscles. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your response GreatWhale, I appreciate it so much. That's something I had never even considered doing before to be honest, but it's an interesting idea. When I started in a new job last year I often desperately wanted to just mention in passing that I was gay, but told myself repeatedly that it needed to be to somebody I was close to first. I should have just said it. It must become so much easier when you meet people and from the start to them, you're gay, rather than coming out after years. And yes, my sister is pretty amazing at having kept it to herself, I'm going to have to buy her one hell of a box of chocolates to thank her when everybody finally knows. Thanks again, you've been a great help.
i think you need to be more confident , and tell to everyone , because you are not doing any crime or something
Hello SherlockHolmes (I admit to clicking on your post because of your username...) I think greatwhale put it well. I would come out to people with whom I'm not emotionally attached. That way, if they react badly, the aftermath wouldn't be as devastating. If you get positive reactions to your coming out, then great! It builds confidence AND gets you support from people.
Can't believe we're both Sherlock, how cool! Sorry for kind of stealing your username, I wouldn't have taken SherlockHolmes if I had known. And thank you, I appreciate your help. I think you're right, it should be easier to tell people when I'm not afraid of the emotional reaction as much.
Hey Sherlock, The advice so far has been great. Definitely no close emotional contact should be present. However, the person should be someone who you know well as an acquaintance. Myself, I still haven't told anyone but I have a target person in mind who will eventually be the first to know. She's not overly close but I'm sure of her tolerance towards gays and we've known each other on casual terms for maybe a year or so. I think someone along those lines is the best person to come out to and minimize the risk of an unfortunate outcome. Best of luck on your upcoming coming out! I hope I'll do the same soon
I kind of went in the opposite direction from the advice given, lol. I started with my closest/best friends that I've known for many years. I knew they would be okay with it, and I wanted to build a good support system in case I ran into any problems down the road. And I could come talk to them about anything. I gradually branched out from that close inner circle to people I would consider friends, but not close ones. I'm still not out to my family yet, though. They will be the last ones to know.
Thanks very much Salus for your response! It's really interesting to get other perspectives on this. When I was younger I never even considered telling people outside my family first. It was always them I was geared towards, as I know they'll be supportive. I think that was why it became such a terrifying prospect for me. Best of luck with coming out to you too, we'll get there soon, I know we will Thanks StillHidden. You pose another idea about how to proceed, and I quite like it as well. I have a few close friends who I love and can trust, and I know they will react well. They might be a little upset at first that I kept it hidden for so long but I know they're very supportive of gay rights. I've actually made it difficult for myself only by not telling them, and actively constructing a lie. To be fair, when they asked me what kind of girls I liked, I told them lies to avoid having to face the truth, and I would be upset if a friend deceived me like that. It's interesting how you and everybody else approaches family last. I think what makes coming out to your family so hard is that you've grown up with them, and they have the most expectations of you. They also love you unconditionally and it's so painful to have to tell them that you're not going to live the traditional lifestyle. Good luck on your coming out experience, I'm sure when you do tell your family everything will go smoothly.
