my 15 yo son came out last night

Your way of being a mother to Sam is perfect.

I don't want to say "handle it". Because that makes it seem like it's a problem. It is not a problem. Your son is gay. He's a freshman. Hes... blond (just saying for a point).

Perfect. He's still your son. He's always been gay. He just told you.

Now your other son... you might want to have a conversation with him about his behavior towards his brother to see if he responded in the way you insinuated.

 

From your handling of this so far, I'm not terribly concerned that you will do the best you can with the circumstances presented to you.


That being said - if you have any specific questions by all means feel free to ask away here! We're more than happy to help.

 

HouseofBoyz,

You handled it extremely well and your sons' are lucky to have a mom like you. They really are. I am really happy to hear that you are very accepting of your son coming out and his sexual orientation.

 

How do you know you're straight? You're attracted to members of the opposite sex. It's just the same, only (obviously) the same sex. He's always been gay, it can just be difficult to tell people.

 

Hey I just wanted to add how cool it is that you came here for advice about your son, he is a lucky guy.
I agree with the others maybe speak to your other som although from his reaction it sounds like maybe he has already realised his errors.

As for what to do next that really depends on lots of different things like the view of the rest of the family and how you think they will take it, but most importantly I think it needs to be on your sons terms. Coming out is ridiculously scary even if you think the person will be supportive and I know one of my fears when I first told the first couple of people was that I would lose control of it. Once I realised I was gay for a while it was my little secret and I had a fear that once I told a friend or family member in real life I would lose control of it and it would no longer be my secret. I'm not sure your son will want to have long heart to hearts about it but I think having another little chat to him just to reassure him that you really mean what you said about you still loving him the same and that you won't tell anyone he doesn't want you too, so if he wants you to tell the family you will but if he doesn't then you won't. At first I wasn't up for everyone knowing but once I was more comfortable with it I was happy for my parents to tell family members because it meant I didn't have to actually do it. As I said before this probably depends on how you think they will react.
I don't necessarily think it means he is in love, sometimes you just know. Nobody ever asks a straight person whether they are sure they are not gay. Just like you are right your mum didn't go around telling everyone you were heterosexual.

If you like you can point him towards EC. If you speak to one of the staff they can remove your thread if you like so he doesn't see you were talking about him.
Another good source of information is PFLAG maybe they have a group in your area.

If you have more questions just keep posting and we will answer them as best we can.

 

You are very welcome, HouseOfBoyz. My suggestion to you, since your son just came out not too long ago, is to back away a little and give him some time to settle in with his sexual orientation. Let him come to you, as he will come to you when he is ready to talk about it. He may not feel 100 percent comfortable talking about his sexuality with his parents yet. I suggest giving him some space and time.

 

Great work making Alex understand that his behavior was really hurting Sam.

I'd just continue to support Sam, especially by letting him know you're there for him if he encounters peer abuse in school.

Compassion and solidarity, Adrienne

 

I think your doing perfect, I wish my own mom would handle this like you

 

You're an awesome mom! Make sure that your eldest son doesn't tease Sam about being gay...at least for a little while, since it's going to be a touchy subject with Sam.

Also, whoever Sam told he was gay should be the only people to know right now. If he wants to tell more family/friends later, then it should be when he's ready.

 

HouseOfBoyz -

I want to start off by saying you're a fantastic mother, and you're doing everything right so far. Don't doubt in your abilities. You're heading in the right direction. Now, let me answer some of your questions.

The same way you knew you were attracted to guys, and thus straight, at his age. It's just something you know, and it's probably something he's been quietly struggling with for a long time.

Only he can answer that question, though I'd imagine like any teenager he's had a few crushes already. He may have some current crushes as well. Although, he might not yet be ready to talk about that with you. He's not used to you knowing that he's gay yet, so he is likely to be more reserved in how he talks about these types of issues. Over time, as he grows more accepting of himself and comfortable with the idea of you knowing, he'll begin to open up.

This is a conversation you're going to have to have with Sam. However, as a general rule it's important to let him come out at his own pace and on his own terms. It's about what he's comfortable with other people knowing.

However, you also have to keep in mind that you have three other son's, and the fact that he's going to be openly gay at home - it could be hard to control what they say to others. You don't want to send the message that it's something that should be hidden. However, at the same time you don't want them acting in a way that would be hurtful to Sam.

The best advice I can give you here is this:

First, it's important that you speak to your husband and make sure you're both on the same page. This needs to be a private conversation just between the both of you. It's important that you figure out where his head is at, and how he feels about the news. Everything that I'm about to talk about, you both should be doing as a team. As a result, it's very important that you both are on the same page about the next steps moving forward. Working as a team will reduce any stress you might feel, because you'll be able to lean on each other for support should you face any challenges. Things become more difficult if you both aren't on the same page, or if your husband is struggling with the news.

Second, after speaking with your husband, you need to speak to your sixteen year old and discuss what has happened. It's important that you make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated moving forward. The family is supportive of Sam, and you're expecting him to be supportive as well. Make sure you're on the same page as your older son.

Third, speak to Sam. You need to have a conversation with him about who he feels comfortable with knowing, and make it clear to him that you want him to be in control of who he tells and who he doesn't tell. However, you also need to point out to him that you want the home to be a place where he can be open, and that he doesn't feel a need to hide himself. Talk about how it will be difficult keeping it from his other brothers, and the fact that you'd like to tell them and have conversations with them individually and as a family. Get a gauge on how he feels, and if he's strongly against it - he doesn't want the others to know - back off a bit and give it time. Simply let him know that you want him to be in control of how things go, and that you'll respect his wishes. However, when he's ready for the others to know to come to you and you'll talk to them.

Fourth, assuming Sam is on board with it, you're going to want to speak to your eleven year old. Make the situation clear to him, answer any questions he has, and spell out what you expect of him. (That he is to give Sam his full support, and to respect Sam's wishes on who he wants to know and explain why it's important for Sam to be the one to tell other people.)

Fifth, this brings us to your four year old. This is a somewhat difficult conversation to have, because you can't be certain how much he actually will understand. Some people are concerned about telling someone so young, but it's important to remember that being gay isn't about sex. So, it's important to discuss things in terms of relationships, love, and that type of stuff. However, at the same time you have to explain to him that some people are "mean" and will do "bad things" to hurt his brother, and this is why it's important for him to have his support and to be the one who tells other people. It's important to ask him if he has any questions, and if so to answer them as honestly and best as possible in a way that a young kid can understand.

Finally, I'd speak to Sam one last time and let him know how things went with his other brothers, and what you told them. Talk to him about having one last talk together as a full family, and whether or not he feels comfortable doing that. If he feels comfortable having a talk as a family, I'd call everyone together and it would be a discussion to reaffirm everything that was said privately. It's important for everyone to see that everyone else in the family is on the same page. It's also a chance to let anyone ask any questions of either you or Sam. However, during this Q&A session it's important to watch Sam and protect him from any inappropriate questions. For example, "Have you had sex yet? Are you a top or a bottom?" If someone asks something like that, you should step in and point out that it's a rude and inappropriate question to ask. You don't just go around asking people stuff like that, because it's none of their business. There may be some questions that are borderline, and make Sam uncomfortable such as, "Do you like any guys at school or have a boyfriend?" It's important to pay attention to him, and always let him know that he doesn't have to answer anything that makes him uncomfortable. And on that same note, it's important to make sure the others understand that it's important for them to respect Sam's boundaries.

The most important thing is that everyone sees and knows that everyone else in the family is standing behind Sam, and understands that is expected of them as well.

Does Sam know she's a lesbian? If not, then it might be appropriate to tell him so long as she's open about her sexual orientation. You can ask him if he wants to talk to her, since she might be someone who can understand what he's going through better than most other people.

Having a gay religious leader in his life, that is both supporting and affirming of him can be a huge asset to him. A lot of gay people grow up worrying about being condemned to hell and whatnot. Having someone like her in his life could really help him out a lot. Plus, she's someone who can understand him.

My general advice is to speak to Sam about it, and see what he feels comfortable with... if he's comfortable with talking to her, and letting her know - then yeah. I'd encourage him to speak to her. I would, however, privately give her heads up so that she can be prepared for the conversation.

I'd tell her that it's important that Sam be the one to tell her himself, and that he doesn't know that you've told her first. However, you just wanted to give her heads up so she knows what to expect when she sits down with him, and that you're expecting her to empathize with anything he's feeling or going through, answer questions he might have, and in general show him the type of support he needs right now.

This way she is prepared for the conversation, and the types of questions he might ask her or the types of concerns he might raise.

Hopefully this helps. If you have any more questions let us know.

 

You've done everything right so far, so thanks for accepting your son.

 

Your response was exactly what your son needed, congratulations on being a good, kind parent. When I was fifteen something very similar happened, where I broke down in tears and told my sister I was gay. (Technically, I didn't tell her, I made her keep guessing different possibilities until she finally came to the conclusion that I was gay). The fact that your son actually had the courage to say the words 'I am gay' says a great deal in itself about the process he is going through, and how far along he is. I'm twenty years old now and still can't say that aloud to anybody.

I think the main thing you have to understand from a gay perspective, and somebody who went through something quite similar, is that all he needs is to be loved and supported right now. Try not to ask him too many questions, as he probably feels emotionally fragile. Let him know that you're there to talk at any time. My advice would be to not tell anybody else for him, unless he expressly says that he wants you too. The best thing to do would be to ask him if he wants to keep this in the family at the moment.

Right now, the hardest thing for your son is that he is going through a grieving process. From a very early age we are taught and conditioned to believe that we will grow up, marry somebody of the opposite sex, have children and live in the suburbs. He is now confronting the reality that his life will not follow that 'traditional' path. As a parent, I can understand that you too may struggle to come to terms with this. Try to remain supportive at all times, and if you feel that you need help coming to terms with it, there are a lot of gay parents' groups around that can really help you.

To conclude, you really don't need a huge amount of advice with how to proceed. You are a wonderful parent. As a closeted gay man of twenty years of age, I can tell you that if my parents reacted in the way you did, my heart would soar with happiness. He knows he is loved and supported. Now all you need to do is be there for him through the next couple of years as he fully comes to terms with being gay.

Hope this has helped in some way! Best of luck.

 

I see a lot of similarities in this when I came out to my mom...

First things first, HouseofBoyz, your son is extremely lucky to have a parent who is willing to stand behind him despite his differences. I hope he realizes that he really lucked out. Just keep doing what you're doing.

In response to some of your questions, I think you should ask him yourself. As Aldrick mentioned previously, only he can pose an answer to those questions. My mom immediately bombarded me with questions as soon as I told her, like if I had always known, if I liked another boy, if I was being influenced by what other people thought... I'm very intimate with my mom so I shared the information she wanted. But if you should choose to do the same with Sam, even if he is unwilling to respond (because I have to admit, it's a bit nerve-wracking), it should deliver the message that you really do care, and you want to look out for him, make sure he's safe and comfortable and happy in his own skin, as any good mother like yourself would do.

I'm around his age, and I can relate to what he's going through, and trust me, it's awkward. You don't want to go too into it. If he starts getting a bit shifty or nervous, just end it. While progress is good, it's better when you take baby steps than have a complete relapse. He's not yet completely settled into this new persona. He still has to deal with prejudice, stereotyping, probably some rejection as well. It's a lot to wrap your head around, but for Sam, I think he should be fine with his family supporting him.

And if he is uncomfortable, remind him once again you're here to help, not hurt. He'll always be your little boy, regardless of who he likes.

 

Welcome to EC HouseOfBoyz, it is common to have a lot of questions. I would ask them but try not to be overwhelming considering he came-out in a rush over his brother bothering him. You mentioned that your minister is gay. That is a great resource for both you and him, but I think that is important to talk with him if you are going to tell anyone.

 

You knocked this one out of the park, and I wish my mom were more like you. I've said this to a number of parents on this site, and not all of them have listened, but the things you say and do right after your child comes out to you are going to affect him for the rest of his life. If you react the way my boyfriend's mother did (Let out a blood-curdling scream and act more like he'd died), that's a good way of making him or her resent you. Thankfully, she realized just how badly she'd dropped the ball and has asked for his forgiveness and their relationship has been doing a lot better recently.

You handled this perfectly, and he now knows that he's got you in his corner the way you handled the way his brother was treating him. I would not suggest telling the pastor that he's gay, rather tell Sam that the pastor is gay and that if he has questions about his sexuality and its compatibility with his faith, she might be a good person to talk to.

I'm sure you have gazillions of questions, and you're in the right place to get them answered. I strongly suggest staying on EC and being a part of our community, and maybe even suggesting that Sam join if he needs a place to talk about issues.

It's refreshing to see a mother like you on here, and that for every mother cries "Woe is me," and thinks she "broke" her gay child, or worse, kicks them out, there's one like you who shows their son who took a huge leap of faith by coming out all the love and support they need.

 

It is Sam's decision to who and when he came out. You should tell him that he can count for you and your support.