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You know what I just realized?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by silentsound, Aug 8, 2008.

  1. silentsound

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    So I just came out to my first person (http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13632) a little less than a week ago. It felt good, but suddenly I found myself thinking 'oh my god! now someone else knows! am I really gay after all? what if I just convinced myself and now I'm stuck having to explain myself! I'm not gay! I don't feel gay! do I?'... needless to say it was rather a strange thought process to be thrown back into that kind of questioning. But this morning I woke up riding the tail end of a dream about a girl and thinking, 'why yes, I am attracted to women thank you very much.' I realized that I absolutely despise the words gay, lesbian, bi, fag, homosexual, dyke, and pretty much any others you can think of. When I came out I said "I'm gay" because that was the better of my choices between "gay" and "lesbian" so after I came out I was thinking 'wow this is awesome I am gay and someone knows it and she doesn't mind the gay thing at all' and I started thinking about it more like I would talk about it. The problem is, I'm not a word. Those words make it sound scary or political or gross or great or controversial... but I'm not a word. I'm just me, and I want to marry a woman. That's called love... not any of those superficial words. Those aren't me at all. So how do I handle explaining myself by words I don't like and have trouble identifying with as I start to step out of the closet?
     
  2. Amy

    Amy
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    first off, congratulations. the first time is the...deepest. i dont know, but its just different tha the rest of the times.

    before i start singing cheryl crow, remember, you are still the person you always have been, so when youre telling someone that youre gay, youre are just telling them part of who you are. the only word that can describe you is "you".


    excuse me to sing, thank you.
     
  3. Ohh!! I felt the same way too! You just learn to accept it over time. Don't worry, there's nothing to rush. It's so nice to have someone feel this way as well! Just remember that all you need is time. And make sure you tell the right people :slight_smile:
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! Congratulations on coming out!

    What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. It is a normal part of the coming out process. No worries. Although there is a part of us that is relieved and happy of having come out (and perhaps reaffirms our feelings), but as soon as that feeling of being relieved subsides a bit, we start to think about the next person to come out to. And this is where our feelings get mixed up again because we find ourselves once again in between two worlds. One where our own fears (and having these questions is certainly a part of it) dominate our thoughts, and the other world that wants to be ourselves, and wanting to explore the new us. I am sure that with time these questions will subside. Hearing yourself saying that "I'm gay" sent a message to the part of you that is still trying to resist it, that you want to take that next step. And it was a big step towards being you.

    Also, you have let go of something that you kept in you for a long time. Hearing yourself talking about you, and being honest with yourself, might have caught you a bit of guard in that it is a new thing, which might have also prompted you to have these questions. You have to get used to the new you.

    It is possible that you will continue to have some questions after your next coming out as well, but as long as you are comfortable with being you and ready to come out, and as long as you take your time and don't rush into it, it should be alright.

    As for the 'words' it might take a while to make them part of your vocabulary. Again, there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of us have the problem using the words at first. For example, I still have the problem of saying the word gay. I usually just say that I like guys. Resisting to use these words, or not liking them is part of our inner homophobia, because in our minds these words are associated with being withdrawn, with not being truthful to ourselves and with fears that we had or still have. With time, the words will become a natural part of your vocabulary. That said, use whatever word(s) with which you feel comfortable with. You could for example just say, "I like women."

    I hope this helps!
     
  5. Hidden Angel

    Hidden Angel Guest

    I wonder that to after I told the first person and I pretty much had some kind of panic attack at what I was going to say if I changed my mind about things, but like you I haven't either so i don't think doubt like that is anything out of the usually and its good to know i'm not the only one that felt that way.
     
  6. Maddy

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    I think a lot of people have had those feelings of wondering if they're really gay. I know I did. I don't much like the word lesbian either, I tend to stick with saying that I'm queer, or that I like girls. Congratulations on telling someone, by the way! The first step is often the hardest.