Hi everyone, This is my first post.. I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. I'm 19 and he's 28. He has spent all of his life trying to deny the fact that he's gay. I'm the first male that he's let himself develop feelings for, and he's considering ending it because he can't deal with the fact that he likes men. He says that it's because people he knows are homophobic. I've told him that I don't mind if he comes out or not (I'm not out either), but he needs to learn to accept it to himself. How can I help him? I try to empathise but I struggle to understand how you can deny something so significant for 28 years. I used to hate myself for being gay too, but I learned that it isn't going to change - I've tried to explain this to him and he says he's well aware of who he is but he still hates himself. He says he is ashamed. What can I do to make him feel better about who he is? I'm sorry for rambling on. I have nobody to talk to about this.. Thanks.
You can only do so much buddy, he's the one who has to accept it. If he's 28 he's a mature adult, 1/3 of the way through life really he ought to be adult enough to get on with accepting himself. Of course some people don't realise until later life...but he's dating a guy; the penny has to drop. I presume he's living on his own now too, it's not like he should be worried about family kicking him out but that's more of a coming out issue. It is very normal for guys to go through a stage of homophobia perhaps during the stage of denial
Honestly, he needs a friend more than a boyfriend now. I agree that he's the only one who make do the change. This can't last long term, and it's unfair for you, also.
I agree with resu. As hard as it will be for both of you, at this point it would be better to be friends and help each other through what appears to be kind of similar stages of self-acceptance development. Just my opinion. Peace!