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So, an update on my coming out.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Laelia, May 17, 2014.

  1. Laelia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2014
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I decided to come out back in January of this year, but only to the people I am closest to. Just as a refresher--I'm 42 years old and I live with my two sisters and 99 year old grandmother, who we take care of. I've always questioned whether I was a lesbian, and throughout my life I made, I don't want to say "excuses" for not being a lesbian, but rather rationalized it away. At first it was "men skeeve me out because of the sexual abuse I went through as a child." Then, as years passed and my social circle started widening, I would meet women who I now believe I was in love with. My law professor, my best friend, my manager, etc. All these women look incredibly similar and I would always chalk up my feelings to "an intense love I feel for a friend," while at the same time feeling like a fraud because I never felt an attraction towards men.

    I've never had sex or even dated anyone because I felt that if I questioned my attraction it wouldn't be fair to the other person, and that I needed to be clear in my mind what EXACTLY I wanted before starting any relationship. Flash forward to last year, when I became very sick and ended up having a hysterectomy. The first time I saw my gynecologist, I absolutely and totally fell in love. I literally had to hyperfocus on anything she said because I was so distracted by her. My internal dialogue went something like this, "SHIT. OK, YOU'RE A LESBIAN--YOU CAN'T RATIONALIZE YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE."

    Those words felt "right." There was an internal emotional "click" that I've never felt before. At the time I wasn't even able to verbalize the word "lesbian" as it applied to myself, but I recognized it for what it was. All those feelings of inadequacy when faced with gorgeous men, all those incredibly sexual fantasies of women that I'd had for years but continuously shoved behind this brick wall, all those feelings towards some of the women in my life MADE SENSE. I MADE SENSE FOR MYSELF.

    It's definitely a new skin. But it feels fucking wonderful. I'll never tell my grandmother--it will only hurt her and I don't want that. But she's 99 and doesn't need to know. I've slowly come out to the people who really matter in my life, and well, I've had incredibly wonderful responses from them, with the exception of one person. But that's ok. I FINALLY know that I am loved. For me. For all of me. I no longer feel like there's some dark thing inside that crawls away from light and wants to live in the dark forever. This has given me the courage TO BE, TO LOOK, TO FEEL--like the person I've always wanted. To try new things, to meet new people. It's wonderful, and I am incredibly glad that I took this step.

    I guess I'm sharing this for those of you who are having problems with coming out, or unsure, or feel as if you aren't loved. It's a tough road--being able to look at yourself in the mirror and not hide. It's even tougher to be vulnerable with other people. Just know that you are loved.

    (&&&)