I'm female, 20. And a single mother of a 3 year old. I'm confused about my sexuality. God it's weird typing this! I have never spoke to anyone about how i feel or anything. From a very young age i have felt like i never fit in. Or have been what is expected. I was never interested in Barbies, jewelry or dresses... general girly stuff. I didn't see the fascination other girls had with boys, particularly at this age, celebrity crushes. I was the girl wearing a football kit in a tree with the boys covered in mud! I think i was about 9/10 at school, i had just moved there and pretty much from the first day i was getting name calling, things like 'spag'...'weirdo'...'freak'. which at this age were hurtful words. Then one word stuck 'lesbian'. I didn't even know the meaning for weeks maybe. But this stuck in the background of my school life right until the end. One girl and her friends in particular made me kinda hate myself from about 12-16. Cause i knew by then i did find women attractive, but thought it was just me thinking they were pretty, or had nice hair. But i would look at guys in this way? So i pushed it to the back of my mind. I would have crushes on girls and try to push it back. (i still kind of do) I have until recently convinced myself it to be nothing. Just envy? So i delibratley got a boyfriend, a older one to try and stop the name calling. to 'prove' i wasnt a lesbian. I remember not wanting to sleep with him, but telling myself i had to, to stop it all. So i did, twice. It disgusted me. I didnt have feelings for him emotionally.So i didnt sleep with him again, i thought id gain feelings...being a decent guy he didnt complain...A few months later, i found out i was pregnant. We used a condom, it must have split!...I do not agree with abortion therefor kept my son, who i love unconditionally. remaining celibate with the father throughout the next 2ish years using various excuses. I ended it cause i realized i was never going to love him and it was unfair and making me miserable emotionally. i knew it wasn't the case but convinced myself it was just him. So i tried a relationship with another guy, Nothing changed. The intimate side disgusted me, i never wanted to. i didnt have emotion..........I've had limited experience with other girls, But it feels more natural? Like, i don't know really. More enjoyable? But i will look at a guy and think he's hot? But not want to kiss him or anything else. There is no temptation lets say. I'm not lying to myself anymore. I know i'm attracted to women. That's fact. I wouldn't know how to label myself if someone was to ask, which they don't anymore. My family do not know any of this, nor my friends. Even my best childhood friend who i trust completely. I suppose im insecure maybe? I know they'd be fine with it but i'm just scared, still! Is it weird that i had a child first? What do i tell people and how? Im just finding the whole situation confusing and quite frankly terrifying. But i'm unhappy because of locking my feelings back all these years, i need to release it. I can't hide myself away for the fear of what people will think or say anymore,I need to be me. But what am I? I just dont know where to start or what to say?
Well in my opinion it sounds like you are a lesbian from that alone. It's not weird that you had a kid first, there are a lot of people here with kids and even more that were in straight relationships first. Anyway it's up to you what you come out as. Only you can know if you're a lesbian or bi ultimately. You'll be able to find a lot of help here, and I wish I could help you more at the moment but I'm about to pass out from exhaustion. I hope you find the answers you're looking for though.
hey there! First of all coming here means that you are starting to realise what is a reality or not. I am currently on therapy to try and figure out who I am because I am 26 and all my life I shut myself out for the other. My childhood was not happy because I didn't know how to fit, I learnt to not feel in order to not be hurt or judge. Now I realise that this is my life, I do what I want with it, I am not out to my family, but I know that no matter what they think, I will live my life the way I want and to bad for them if they decides that I am not good enough. I think you need to realise that too, and it may seems like a long time since you are questionning or having doubt, but putting words on things is the first step of acceptation, and you need time to accept and tell yourself "ok that is who I am, now what?" Give yourself a break, take time to appreciate that your life is going to be what you want with who you want, there are always people to judge, you have a child, that is a gift, so what? It is nobody's business but yours and the father. Time is really important in these situations, hang on, it's going to be fine
