My brother not coming out?

My youngest brother "B" has always been a bit aloof. He is a terrific guy, very smart, hard working and generally has all the makings for a terrific hubby. He is 10 years my junior. I am the oldest and he being the youngest. My sister and I are close due to only being 2 years apart and my two younger brothers are only 11 months apart and are a bit closer.

ok...so now that the housekeeping is out of the way.

Recently "B" bought a house near where we live. He had always been very guarded about sharing his home life with us. While my siblings and I just chalked it up to "B" being a bit aloof and wanting his space, my mom pushed and wanted to know. She is the sometimes a bit too nosey type, but her concern is for his safety, not for the sake of being nosey. So when "B" bought his place and my parents went down to visit for the first time. Keeping in mind that essentially this was the first time they had ever been to anyplace he had lived since leaving home (about 5-6 years I think). "B" remarked to my mom that "well, I guess it's time you met "E". My mom retold this story to my other brother "D", and to myself and my partner of 7 years (yeap, I am gay as well) over Easter dinner. Her comment came out funny because basically she started it with "E is fabulous".... um, ok... So she retold the above story with a bit more detail that is unimportant for the purposes of this conversation.

So that is how my brother came out....without coming out... And to this day, still hasn't said it. We've since hung out with "B&E" and had them over to our house with the rest of the family.

Now here is the kicker for me and the part that really hurts. Apparently, my parents and I were the last to know. My other siblings never told me (they knew for a long time) and turned out my partner knew as well due to having mutual friends that hung out with B&E on occasion and had seen them together... None of those friends had told me either. Now in truth, I have no right to be hurt, but to some degree I do feel left out. It isn't my place to question his coming out any more than it was his to question mine. It just strikes me as odd to have someone go through the same hurdle and not at least say something to me. I've wondered if I am not approachable, or if I haven't made him feel like he can talk to me about this (or anything). IN "B"s defense, my other brother "D" has never really opened up to me. But in truth I guess I haven't done that with them either.

I guess what I am getting at....(man I am rambling)... Do any of you have advice for a very out brother to ask his youngest brother about his coming out? I really do want to be supportive and let him know that I am there if he ever needs me.

 

You make sense... there is probably some I didn't convey well and I tend to run on and on... so hang in there with me...

It isn't so much that he isn't "out". I think perhaps I might be a bad role model. I don't fit any of the stereotypical gay roles. So it seems like he might be riding my coattails as opposed to making a statement and confirming it..

He wasn't acting natural when he spent the previous many moons hiding from the family. And yes, he would bail on plans with us and commit and then never show. It was rude. "E" seems to have been working on that with him and he commits and shows up now.

I guess the bigger thing for me is that he never spoke with me about it. I had to do lots of work to be out. But that was 20 years ago. He was 10 or so at the time. So we actually never spoke about me being gay... Then again, he isn't likely to reciprocate something that I never extended to him. Hadn't considered that.. I'll have to give this considerably more thought.

In my brothers case, there are lots of unexplained questions. Are they together? They seem like an old married couple sometimes, but sometimes there seems to be this spiteful stubbornness between them that pops out. I guess maybe I am feeling a bit protective of my brother. I haven't really warmed up to "E" to be honest. And it mostly has to do with his personality, and I don't seem to be alone in that feeling.. others have echoed it as well.

I might simply be projecting onto him the telltale signs of when things weren't going right for me when I was dating. Truth is, I *think* they've been together almost as long as I have been with mine.

 

I was in the military and dealing with the aftermath of coming out when he was in HS. My family has been endlessly supportive of me and they are for all of us. Has nothing to do with us being gay. His dad (my step dad) is a great dad and I would venture to say that "B" doesn't see me that way. My biological father passed away when I was 2 and my mom remarried when I was 9.

The thing with including him in my life is that he isn't excluded. But when invited in the past, he would never show as promised. It makes sense now why that is, but the frustration of almost missing even his own birthday party still sorta lingers. Yes, he showed up as we were all heading home at 9pm.

I guess I am likely placing part of my own frustrations with coming out and having to work through it on my own, onto him. Knowing that I would have supported him and been a sounding board for him had he ever needed it is a bit disappointing. Perhaps disappointing isn't the right word for it. Maybe I always had the expectation that if someone I knew needed advice, that they would feel comfortable enough to come to me. I think maybe that is part that weight I carry about. Knowing or feeling that he didn't feel he could come to me with this and discuss it...

I think reconnecting with both of them is something we need to do. Might have to have a guys weekend away. Be a good time to bond and share in a way the three of us have never done. I can't think of a time when the three of us spend time alone for any length without other family members present...

 

I guess the more I think about it, the less I think we ever really bonded as siblings. My sister and I can communicate silently like close siblings can, but I can't do that with either of my younger brothers. While we do share lots of family history and common experiences, we never got to know each other in the same why I know my close friends for instance.

Obviously I have work ahead of me. And from what it sounds, I need to be the big brother that I never was. I feel selfish that I expected him to reach out when I never did.

All good advice....good part about talking things out and getting people to voice in.