I'll try to tell you everything I remember about the hints I've seen through the course of 5 years. I would first like to mention the fact that they have caught me with gay porn. They knew that I've been looking at it for several times. I tried hiding behind the excuse that "I was just curious how gays do it". This was when I was in the 6th grade, just about 1 or 2 months after I found out my sexual orientation. It was around September 2009. I went out right and said "I'm gay" without thinking about it. The look on my mom's face put the most emotional stress I have ever felt in my life. I then tried covering it up with "Oh, but I masturbate to lesbian porn", because I knew that straight guys like lesbians... She said she had a problem with gays, so I knew I just was not ready to come out. Then again, around October of 2010, they caught me again. A was talking with my step dad, completely forgot was the topic was about though. I said something about me having bi thoughts. It wasn't a major part of the convo or anything, it just slipped out. so he asked me "do you have bi thoughts"? I look down, and he says "You shouldn't be ashamed of your sexual orientation.". So I say "What do you consider bi thoughts?". He says "Uh.... idk. a man attack a man?". I guess since I pretty said I had homoerotic thoughts, this adds on to suspicion. This, I believe, actually happened in late July or August of 2009, just when I was realizing my sexual orientation. My mom found out I've been checking out a lot of websites about gay teens committing suicide. She asked me about it, but I said that I had a "gay friend". Which isn't a lie, but I'm 99% sure the kid is gay and in the closet. He wasn't a close friend either, more so a good acquaintance. I believe my brother was spying on what I was doing online, and I was chatting with someone saying I was "bisexual" and the guy was also "bisexual". My brother came storming down, and the guy JUST said "So, have you ever sucked dick". Literally, that was the most vulgar thing said in the conversation and my brother came marching in RIGHT when he said that. I said "idk why he said that" and he said "yes you do". So, my brother typed "you're a faggot" to the guy and made it so I exited the chat. This was when I was still mostly questioning, and wasn't quite sure if I was bi or gay. One day, a couple of years ago, my mom asks me this question "So, who do you look at? When I was your age, I looked at boys". This is clearly a question to see if I'm gay without actually asking me directly. I answered with "I'm not sure, I haven't hit puberty yet" Although, I totally did hit puberty. I'd feel guilty if I'd lied. It was just before Christmas, and I was shopping with my step-dad and his cousin on Michigan Avenue. (There was a hell of a lot of people there because Michigan Avenue is practically the heart of shopping centers in Chicago). There was people campaigning for gay rights on the streets and one asked my step-dad if he can take a moment for gay rights. He just ignored her and kept walking. I asked him why he didn't take a moment. And he responded with "You seem to really care about them...". I know this isn't a major giveaway, but still. More recently, my mom shows me a news article about someone threatening to expose 5 secretly gay aldermen. She seemed really determined to find out my opinion on the fact that they were gay. I tried to steer the conversation with "What is an alderman? What do they do?" Even more recently, my step-dad reads a news article from the Internet. "Judge rules Texas gay marriage ban unconstitutional". So, he says some stuff about how that's not a good thing. I ask him "why?", and he says "It's immoral". Then suddenly, my mom becomes quite defensive saying that gays should be allowed to marry and marriage is about love. 5 years ago, she said she didn't like gay marriage, but now she supports it. She said something like "that's why I support him... I mean them". When she said 'him', she was talking about me. She implied she supported my homosexuality and if I were to get married, but she quickly corrected herself. What that tells me is that she has known I was gay for a while and simply got used to the idea. Which is a good thing if she accepts me. Now, as for my step-dad. His daughter, aka, my step-sister is openly a lesbian and is planning on marrying her girlfriend in the summer. So, I guess he would be used to the idea of raising a homosexual child. On my birthday, my mom told me "I'm proud of who you are and who you're going to be". Now, she did not say anything about homosexuality, but the way she delivered the message could easily be interpreted as a 'it's okay to be gay' kind of message. Now, my parents do often say things that automatically assume I'm straight. Like, when my step-dad was talking about not dating a black person, I say I prefer Europeans, and he says "Oh, so you like European girls? Good". This actually happened like a month ago. So, what do you all think? I personally feel like they know... but then again, they might not...
I'm pretty sure they know. I'm dealing with the same thing right now (see here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/137305-more-family-suspicions.html). My parents have been aggressively bringing up gay-related things. My mom have been making so many hints at me recently. She even said "are you gay?" I didn't deny it, but I didn't say yes. She went on saying how being yourself is most important. That it would hurt in the short-term when you're out to people, but in the long run, you'll be happy. I have to say though, I've also been giving my parents some hints that I'm gay. I've been asking questions about their values, etc. All in all, you remind me a bit of myself. I think your parents pretty much know that you're gay. The gay porn was probably a dead giveaway for them.
Well, this step-dad doesn't sound very tolerant in general (racially or sexually). It does seem as though she has accepted it a long time ago; though I believe you already know that. Although your step-dad might be a bit intolerant, it doesn't seem as though he would harass or harm you upon coming out. We all evolve overtime time and our stances on certain subjects can sway as well. This could very well be the case with your mother. At the moment, it is just a matter of when you want to have the official conversation with them.
I think they probably know. Your step father might have said the thing about european girls out of denial, or maybe he was trying to see if you would correct him
It seems to be that your mother knows and has accepted it already. Your step-dad, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be a super accepting person, and there's a good chance that he believes you're straight out of the fact that that's who he wants you to be... Either way, there's no way to know for sure - I was convinced that my parents already knew before I came out to them, but they didn't. Whether or not they already know, your time to come out is your time - do it when it feels right to you, not because you feel pressure or self-conscious. Good luck ^-^
quite frankly i'd be way more surprised if they didn't know than if they did but that's just my opinion
I think they know, but your mom may be still holding out hope that she might be jumping to an assumption that is incorrect. She seems to be giving you a window to talk about the truth. The next time she hints at this, perhaps you should confirm her suspicions.
Considering the evidence you presented, your family would have to be completely daft to not at least suspect you're gay. Sorry if that's a somewhat mean way to put it, but But I don't think they accept it, at least not your step dad or brother. I think characterizing bisexual feelings as "when a man attacks another man" is just about the dumbest statement I've heard about bisexuality, and there are a lot of really dumb myths, including that bisexuals don't really exist. The closest normal term for a sexual orientation I fit in to is bisexual and I assure you I exist. I think that if you came out to them, they wouldn't be too surprised, but I also think theres a good chance that they are only nice to you because you don't admit it, so they can stay in denial about it. I'm sorry that you have such a difficult family, When I came out I was the only one in emotional distress about it.
It sounds a bit like your step-dad is sending mixed messages. His comment about not being ashamed of your sexuality is a pretty big one. He might really not feel compassionate towards gays and lesbians in general, but likely still has your well being in mind. Its a tough road for some parents to walk I am sure. As for your brother, odds are, if he caught you surfing straight porn he probably would have teased you and gave you grief over that too. Granted his actions aren't excused and it is certainly non of his business what you do online. Now your parents, well, that is a different story. You mom sounds like she is working through it too. Odds are your folks are working through it on their own terms. I would expect them to have had some conversations about you and more than likely they just want to help you move forward. Something most parents want to help their children do.. Take your time....be patient...be brave...(*hug*)
I think parents often suspect... They don't know for sure until you tell them but they have a pretty good idea, even if they are in self denial and lie to themselves about it, deep down they know the truth. Your mom seemed to have made a lot of progress from her first reaction when you where in 6th grade to the last conversation you mentioned. Your step dad seems to have the principles right that you shouldn't be ashamed of your sexuality... I think the stupid statements he made was out of ignorance and once he knows for sure that you're gay he will probably not say things like that anymore...
I would say they know and are talking about it between themselves; your dad isn't too happy to hear is but isn't flaming about it and will eventually work his way through his feelings to reality. Your mom is the best person to come out to first. Have your sister there too for help, if you need it.
She usually does ask me "If there's anything you want to talk about, just let me know". I know she wants to get to "know me" better, and for me to be more socially, especially within the family, but I just don't know what to say sometimes. She also seems to bring up girlfriends a lot, but I think that would be normal for a mother. You're probably the most accurate on this. Sometimes, she wonders what I think about girls at school, and sometimes she just wonders what my opinion is on a topic that relates to gay people. Then again, sometimes she may just act like I'm straight. I don't know how to respond anymore.
