Suicidal indian and gay

First of all I saw the word suicide and just to say my opinion (and maybe the majority's too) it is never the answer.

Anyway, wow this is really long with a lot of questions. Since it's numbered I'll try to answer them in a numerical order.

1 - If it does not make you happy, don't do it. Decisions like these haunt people for the rest of their lives so you should think about every detail about it. On my opinion you should not resolve to that.

2 - I lost friends mainly because I switched schools but the real friends that you make don't disappear. I reconnected with an old friend in college and found out then that he was also gay and we became more close ever since. I got bullied in highschool a lot and they played me like their pawn, but when I accepted the fact that I am gay I gained their respect and I became even more productive as ever. They though about me differently before but their mindsets also changed after.

3 - My parents knew about my sexuality simce I was a child. They loved me and accepted me for what and who I am. The best quote I got from them was "We can't force you to be someone the you're not, so we just have to accept it and love you for who you are".

4 - I don't have much friends in the U.S because I didn't go to school here but I always chat with my friends overseas. I did have American friends back in my home country and a single text gets us together. As far as I've experienced people from the U.S are very open minded in these cases so if they are you're real friend they will accept you for what and who you really are.

5 - You can and will find love. There are a lot of gay men out there that can look masculine and if they are not you can still try and search for some that are not that masculine because a lot of times love can inspire others to change. Some people call me masculine but sometimes I feel feminine, but I can transform myself to a person as masculine as the nearest straight guy if I want to or if others need to (for some occasions).

6 - I've came out long ago and I still have these feelings mostly about sexuality, friendship, relationships, but other times it's the daily stress of not getting a call for a job and it really demoralizes me but I still am able to find many positive things in my life to keep me fighting, you just always need to concentrate on the positives. On the note of the huge expectations my answer to that is expectations are similar to promises, they are made to be broken, if you promise things to yourself you can easily break them, if you expect things in the future it may not be up to the level you expect them to be and you will be disappointed, so if she is expecting something from you it just sucks to bring the bad news that you can't deliver, she will be disappointed about it because she thinks of you but she will be more disappointed if you are not happy with your life, she's a mother she's just thinking about your future and your well being. On the friend note, if they really are your friends they can and will accept you for what and who you really are, if you seek tips about it, come out first to your friend who you trust the most and then if the results are positive start making your way through the others, at the start it always takes small steps but small steps it the natural way of starting anything.

7 - Just like number 6 but the only thing that makes me sad now is my lack of productivity, other than that I am happy, I just usually find things that distract me and make me feel like I've done something. With that saying, you should dump the suicidal phase in the trash because it will never make you productive, distract yourself with things that make you happy, watch things that you like, do the things you like, watch cat videos and just do everything in your arsenal to make you happy. Everyone surrounding you loves you but no one loves you as much as yourself so do yourself a favor and be happy for yourself. Go shopping because you deserve it! ^_^

To end this note I would just want to say that this place is very safe and if you wan't to express something don't be shy to tell the community, people here are always looking forward to help. ^_^

 

Richsingh,

I hear your pain and confusion and the stress of a family system and culture that is so hostile to who you were created to be. I feel unqualified to address all of your cultural and family situations. I do think you need to find a counselor that you can be talking to weekly about all of this. You need someone you can be totally honest with who will not judge you. Do you have a counselor you can reach out to? You can certainly keep posting here, but you need someone nearby that is safe. You need to be totally honest with them about everything.

Your life is valuable to this world. We need you in this world. You have a place in this world.

You have some friends here who will support you. Don't give in to the despair you are feeling. Call someone. You are loved.

Josh

 

I noticed that this wasn't one of your numbered questions, but if you are suicidal the best advice I can give you is to stay strong, and continue living. Some day when you are better, you will be so happy you didn't commit suicide. And this is coming for experience. Six years ago when my abusive father left me and my mother, I began to spiral downwards. I would see and hear things that did not exist, and I was so very depressed. I also experienced bipolar mania every now and then for a few days, and that was the worst part of all. Every single time I would declare myself cured, and when I switched back to depression it felt like I was losing my mind again and again. There had been many times that I had to be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, and then there was the one time that I actually stabbed myself in the stomach several times. As I was being taken away to the hospital, I had a religious experience, and several days later the wounds in my stomach just went away overnight. My mother, grandfather, and several doctors and nurses all saw it happen, I'm convinced it was a miracle. After that my life began slowly getting better and better, and now I have not had symptoms for over 6 months. Every day that I live a happy life, I appreciate it in a way I doubt many people do. Every single happy moment I have makes all six years of misery worthwhile. Depression almost never lasts for someones entire life. And Suicide is a permanent and drastic "solution" to a problem that is only temporary. It's not a good idea.

That being out of the way, I can move on to your questions.
1. You shouldn't marry for any reason other than love. Some day you will probably find someone to marry that you do love, and when you do it will be a man, not a lesbian. It's never a good idea to deny who you are, you will only come out worse in the end.
2-3. When I came out, it was first to my mom. Apparently she had always known I wasn't heterosexual, ever since I was five. Apparently it was only news to me. I came out to my estranged father last, and surprisingly he said he didn't care, despite the fact that he is literally a sociopath. And I'm not misusing the word literally. Coming out to friends wasn't too difficult. I just told people as it became relevant, like if they asked me if I liked anyone, or what my opinion on gay marriage is. I live in one of the most liberal areas in the world, so I was pretty lucky with not encountering much hate in real life. I'm also lucky that I've never given much thought to what other people think of me regardless. What was more difficult was coming to terms with my sexuality and where it falls within my Religion. I'm a catholic, and high ranking officials in my Religion do not advocate full rights for gay and transgendered people. But then when I actually looked more in to my religion based on the thoughts of the Bible, I realized that Jesus himself said that loving your neighbor is tied for the most important commandment, and that we will be judged by our love for one another. The God I believed in could even be described as love itself. Surely this love was meant for everyone, and not just heterosexuals, and I believe that in time my Church will recognize that. As you are Indian, I'm assuming that if you are religious you probably believe in Hinduism. I can't claim to know much about what any Hindu Gods think about homosexuality, but I'm pretty sure every God people believe in would want their followers to be happy, and being gay and marrying to cover it up isn't a very happy life.
4. After you come out, but more importantly after you learn to accept yourself, you will be happier.
5. Most gay men are as masculine as any other guy, but with them it's harder to tell if they are gay unless they told you.
6. One tip I have to give you is that while you should come out, and usually the sooner the better. However if you think your dad will disown or kill you when you come out, then you might want to wait until you are living in a different house, independently of him to come out. But is anyone who is petty enough to disown or harm their son for being gay even someone who deserves to be a father to you? This might sound judgmental, but I think that homophobia is one thing, but actually hating your own child is completely and totally deplorable. It's one of the worst things a parent can do. I'm a firm believer than an unhealthy family relationship is just like a gangrenous limb, and if it can't be fixed in any other way, the only solution is to cut it out of you completely.
7. Like I have said above, I have been there, and I know how you feel, probably more than anyone else who will read your post. And you have to believe me that it does get better. However it's not guaranteed to go away as soon as you come out, and I would even recommend getting help from a psychiatrist or therapist. Therapy can only help someone, so it never hurts to try. I'm not a doctor, and I can't make a diagnosis over the internet, but if you go through happy and sad phases, there's a good chance you have bipolar disorder. People with bipolar disorder have different chemicals in the brain than other people, and these chemicals are called neurotransmitters. The good news is that this is a completely treatable condition with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy.

Well I suppose the last thing I can say is that I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you are feeling better soon. And I know that you will feel better eventually.