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How to come out in an entirely different way.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Wuggums47, May 23, 2014.

  1. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    I'm an 18 year old with a heavily stigmatized mental ability, and I'm wondering at what point I should tell a partner about it. I don't believe in keeping secrets from the people you love, but it's hard to know when to say it. I have schizoaffective disorder, and just like being me gay, a lot of people are very against it usually because they don't even know what it is. Psycho in the movies has been used as a term to mean psychopath, which isn't even a real mental disorder by the DSM-IV, the most commonly used mental health diagnostic tool. If not a fictional aliment, it is at the very least a criminology topic, and not a mental health one. But as a result of this phrasing, a lot of people take the term "psychotic" to mean violent and dangerous. Psychosis is simply any perception or belief not caused by an external stimulus, or logical thought processes, such as a hallucination or delusion. People with psychosis are statistically less likely than a neurotypical person to commit a violent crime of any sort. Schizoaffective disorder is similar to bipolar disorder with psychosis on a seperate axis from depression and mania. Unlike schizophrenia, it is rare in men, especially the depressive subtype I have.

    But now that you know what it is (you might have already known), I want advice in how to disclose it. Any advice you can give is helpful.

    PS. I by no means am insinuating that being gay is a mental disorder, I'm just comparing my experience with both, and I think that a lot of gay people have an experience with coming out, and that could be helpful in my situation.
    Also as you can see by my forum signature, title and choice of avatar, I've already internally accepted my mental state, and as you can imagine, as it started as a kid my mother already knows, but not all of my family does.
    In addition, comments like I should see a mental health professional are not very useful. The fact that I can even speak coherently online is because I'm on heavy medication.
     
    #1 Wuggums47, May 23, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2014
  2. awesomeyodais

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    Good question, and a topic I don't remember seeing a lot here. I totally get the comparison or similiarity, in the sense that in many cases it's something other people wouldn't necessarily guess without being told, unlike more "visible" challenges/conditions/issues/whatever term you want to use.

    I don't know if it's something to blurt out in the first 5 minutes of a first date (or put in an online dating profile), but it's probably a good idea after seeing the guy a few times - my thinking is yes, you don't want to feel you're hiding this (especially if symptoms may pop up un-announced and it makes you feel like a time-bomb) but it's probably a good idea to do it after he's spent a bit of time and has seen some of the fun/endearing/lovable aspects of your personality. If he can't deal with it, then it's probably a case of he's not the right guy for you.
     
  3. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    Another interesting parallel to being gay I've found is that I was very unhappy with who I was until I learned to accept my condition as an integral part of me, and now if I could just snap my fingers and make it all go away, I don't think I would. I have found that there is a whole movement that advocates the recognition of mental disorders as acceptable traits to have, and even as things that can help further society as a whole. Sir Isaac Newton was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and people often reported observing Florence Nightingale having hallucinations. It's hard to doubt their contributions to society. Some people like Temple Grandin actually have their achievements attributed to their non traditional thinking.
     
  4. Hyaline

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    My family has a history of mental illness and I have some mild undiagnosed depression at times. I never actually told my partner about this until we were together for a few years... Though when I mentioned it to him, he already had been around me long enough to see me cycle in and out of it several times. His support has helped me work through it.

    I can't speak on your condition as it sounds far more severe, but I can't imagine that the outcome is much different. If it is managed and you can function in a fashion that you currently do and he is ok with, you should tell your partner. Same goes if you are hiding it, then you might consider sitting down and getting it off your chest. If they can't deal with it after you tell them, they won't be able to deal with it when the waters get rough. And in times of need, we need people who know what to do and stick through it with us.

    But I think being anything less than honest with them about it is a bad idea long term. I agree though, it isn't a topic for a first date, but rather something that you fess up to later when the relationship starts to get more serious.
     
  5. Peacemaker

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    Interesting topic, dude would you mind answering some questions about your disorder (sorry to make you feel like some sort of science experiment) this just is something i know nothing about and want to learn
     
  6. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    I don't mind answering questions at all, ask away. I can't use the private messaging yet as I'm a regular member, but there isn't much I'm not fine with everyone here knowing.
     
  7. TheStormInside

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    Your disorder sounds more severe than what I deal with, but I have diagnosed anxiety and depressive disorders myself, and I've been trying to find ways to be more open about it in my life, as well. I'm not currently in a relationship, but as far as friendships, I've disclosed to a few friends at various points for different reasons. One friend I disclosed to because she actually disclosed to me that she has depression (and is now diagnosed bipolar though she didn't know that at the time). Another, I told because I was going through a particularly tough time and I had been leaning on her a lot. I got the sense that she might be worried and I wanted to let her know I am in therapy and working on my issues lest she think I might just go off the rails entirely.

    I've tried to be fairly casual about it.. the way I brought it up with my second friend mentioned above is that I'd met her for breakfast, and I had a therapy appointment in the same area afterward. Basically, I worked it into the conversation that I'd have a bit of extra time after we ate before I had my appointment and made it clear it was therapy, and that I'd been going for some time. She was fine with it, it was a little awkward as she wasn't sure what to say but considering the state I'd been in I doubt it was a surprise.

    With other friends, I haven't fully disclosed but I've been working on being a little more open than I used to be, so as to "warm them up" to the idea should I feel I have to tell them. This might be a technique you can try if you find someone you are starting to get serious with. I wouldn't suggest you do it on a first or second date but later, when you think you'll be seeing a lot more of this person. Basically instead of lying and saying "I'm too busy" or "I have a lot of work to do" if I can't attend something, I will say "I'm not doing so great today" or "I'm not up to it" or something equally vague but still indicative that while I'd like to join them there's something preventing me from doing so. In other words, I'm not being a flake and I'm having a tough time. Occasionally I make self depricating jokes about being "crazy" or "neurotic." Only do that if you are comfortable, though, of course. If someone has been around you long enough they can probably tell there's something "off" as I'm sure my friends can about me and connect the dots. And even if they don't, if you "prep" them in this way it will be less of a shock when you eventually disclose your diagnosis. And yes, if you are in a relationship with someone for awhile you should definitely disclose it. Other than that, I would say if you find yourself having an episode or a rough patch and your partner witnesses that, definitely at that point you want to disclose so they understand what is going on with you and what they can do to help.
     
    #7 TheStormInside, May 24, 2014
    Last edited: May 24, 2014
  8. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    Storm, that was a really great response, It's nice to hear exactly how to disclose mental illness from someone with it. I also make occasional jokes about being "crazy", but people rarely take it as literally as I mean it.
     
  9. TheStormInside

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    I'm happy to help where I can, Wuggums :slight_smile: . I can't pretend I'm an expert but hopefully it'll give you some ideas when you feel you meet someone you are connected to enough to share this part of yourself with. There's a lot of stigma toward mental illness so it's tough, but I also find myself more relaxed around those that know even a little about my symptoms because that means I have to put less effort into trying to hide them and less worry that I'll be "found out." Still, that's not to say it's something you should or need to share with everyone, just those closest to you, or those you feel comfortable enough with. So, really like you've said in your own post there are a lot of similarities between coming out as mentally ill and coming out as LGBT.

    Lots of people joke about being "crazy," "OCD," "ADD" and so on and most of those people don't actually have any kind of disorder, so just joking about being crazy isn't going to make most people think you have a legitimate mental illness. I guess for me it's just a way to try to show I'm at ease enough with myself to be able to make light of my problems sometimes, and that it shouldn't have to be taboo to talk about it.
     
    #9 TheStormInside, May 27, 2014
    Last edited: May 27, 2014
  10. Young Blood

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    My mom has schizoaffective disorder too with bipolar elements. So I know a little bit of what you're going through. It seems pretty tough. I would say just to stay on your meds and you should be fine. Unfortunately, my mother doesn't do this and that's when things happen. I think you should only tell the people you are really close with. You don't necessarily have to advertise it. And when you tell them, just come right out and say it like you did here. Like you said, not many people know what it is, so it's best just to say it straight out in my opinion.

    Hope this helped a little and best of luck :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  11. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    Destiny, was it hard on you having a mom with schizoaffective disorder. I'm feeling better now, but I know I could relapse some day, and I'm worried that means I shouldn't have kids. what do you think?