there alot of people who i want to come out to(many deserve to know), but its complicted. one is the boyfriend of one of my best friends(6 years, ive known her), he has no problem with it, but she is conservative and catholic. another is that girl. a huge part of me wants everyone to know, but the nagging voice in my head --the one that is only sometimes right-- is telling me not to. im sick of having to think about everything i say or do around most people so that they dont find out, but i dont really care if they do. is that crazy? i want to tell my mom, but i dont know how. its making my life hell. i cant say anything around her, i cant say anything thats wrong, i cant do aything. im pretty sure it wont make a difference, but its my life, and my family. once again, is that crazy? please help me. thank you. xoxo
Hi there! It is not crazy. It's perfectly normal to have different emotions and feelings at the same time. In part these feelings stem from our fears of not knowing how friends and family will react and what they will say. There is a part of you that is ready and wants to be enjoying life and that says I want to be truly myself. But then there is this other part (and as you indicated) that holds you back and leads you to second guess everything. But there is nothing wrong with that and it is a normal part of the coming out process. You are trying to let go of something that kept inside of you for a long time, hidden away from everybody else. You became comfortable with it. Now, by coming out, you are slowing changing that and it is something that all of us need to get used to and comfortable with. With time, as you become more comfortable with yourself and the more people know about it, the voice that leads you to hold back will disappear to some extent. It can be frustrating, but if you allow yourself the time to adjust to everything and take it slow the 'easier' it will be. Follow your instincts on it. If something doesn't feel right, don't go for it. There is a reason for why you are holding back. It could be that you are not ready yet for being out completely to your friends or to your family. Maybe it would help if you continue to come out to friends who you know will be supportive. Every coming out can help you to become more confident. From there you start coming out to people who you think might not be as supportive or where you are not completely sure but you want them to know the real you. Having a strong support network in place will help you to come out them. Coming out to your mom might be a bit more difficult again. When you say that "i cant say anything around her, i cant say anything thats wrong" it might be an indication that you are not sure how she will take it, what her reaction is going to be. What might help, try to bring up the the subject of homosexuality in a conversation and see how she reacts and what she says. That will give you bit of an indication as to where she might stand and what her reaction might be. Coming out to our mothers/fathers is difficult and it will take time. What might make it a bit easier is by having a strong support network on which you can count on in place. This will allow you to build up confidence to come out to your mom. Having these conflicting thoughts and feelings is normal and everybody has them at some point. But with time, it will get better. I hope this helps!
it is helping i know that my mom is very understanding, and accepting of homosexuality. but ive noticed, from many other things, that its different if its someones child. the main reason that i didnt want to --well, more like couldnt-- was because of a situation at the church i used to attend. to make the story very short and blunt, my youth pastor told me, along with all homosexuals and allies(including the sibling/son of prominent members of the church), are going to hell. and it will be very hot in my cell as a very good friend of mine is hindu and i have not tried convert her. loving environment, isnt it? anyways, pretty much every youth member goes to my school, and they, well, sare similar views. luckily, most of them have graduated. the rest i couldnt even try to give a shit about. the other reasons are...complicated. and you are dead on about the whole having to keep such a huge part of you inside for so long. thank you! <3 *hug*
It is true that even the most liberal of people can be shocked at having an LGBT child. Still, it's a huge help if your mom is friendly and tolerant towards gay people. You might still encounter some surprise and maybe denial, but it will pass more quickly than it would for people with bigoted, angry parents. Don't dwell on it too much. On the subject of your pastor, that's the way a lot of people are, sadly. Can't let people live unless they live "the right way". You say you used to go to this church, meaning you don't any more. That might be a very good thing. Talk to Becky about this, I know she has some PFLAG stuff about reconciling faith with sexuality.
Wow. Sounds like my church. (i hate attending it. mom forces me.) What i'm going to say is going to be blunt and to the point. Just come out. Sit your mom down and tell her. The worst she'll say (like mine did) is "you're going to hell." But guess what...you aren't. You're, i'm assuming a pretty good person. By the sound of it, you're a religious person, believe in God and Jesus and all of that. Good for you. Now... here's where i get confusing. I'll try to make sense. By your beliefs, God created you in his image. There's no way he made a mistake in creating you the way you are. You're orientation was obviously created by him, not something that you chose to be. So there is no way that he created you just so that he could say "whoops. Made a mistake. She shouldn't like girls. She's going to hell." God doesn't make mistakes hun. If things get messy with you're mom and you're church, I'd use that argument. Of course they'll probably come back with the "You chose to be that way," but you can always through in some sarcasm and say "Ya...ya...I chose to be an outcast and have my church shun me. Aren't you as christians supposed to love and accept everyone." (sorry if i'm offending you...I've had issues with the church and my own coming out. Grr.) Now, you're friend. I have one...a very strict christian. Can't wear anything but skirts and can't cut her hair. Old-fashioned traditional. Now from my understanding, most Catholic churches are more understanding of homosexuality than other denominations. Which could be a plus. It took quite a while for my friend not to feel awkward around me. She still says I'm going to hell, and i just turn around and say she is for not being accepting enough. Its a nice little disagreement. If she's not going to be able to stand the fact that your not straight, well f&*k her. She's not worth wasting any more of your time on. (Wow. I'm not too nice tonight.) Its never easy coming out. I still get little butterflies in my stomach whenever i tell someone I'm bi. Reactions from people terrify me. But know i'm behind you 100% and i'm sure everyone else on this site is. We'll support you if something goes bad. But trust me, you'll feel a bajillion times better when you're not hiding your true self. It never good to put on a mask--takes too much energy. Be yourself, don't be afraid of what they think or how they act. If it comes up in conversation, just tell them. Its scary, but just stay calm and know you've got everyone on empty closets behind you.
thank you. ive actually used that one before. this was long before i had even thought of coming out, and i told off my teacher during religion class for saying that homosexuality is an insult to God. i asked, just to be sure, hadnt he said that all humans are created in his image?, and therefore no one could have "mistakes like that", that we were all his children, and loved by him. didnt fly with him to well. it was worse then the time i told him that it shouldnt matter if you are baptized or not, its what is in your heart that matters. never thought that could happen. anyways...yes, i am very strong in my faith. like, i love the Christ, its mot of the christians that i have a problem with. i know i have to tell my mom, but we dont really talk about personal thing that much. but i think im going to tell her before the 25th. as for my friend, ive decided to tell her on the 23rd. its her sweet 16, so she cant get too pissed off, right? her family is really against most, er, people. alot of conservatism mixed with strict catholism(im talking rosaries in nearly every room in case you want to do a hail mary, Holy Water in tiny bottles, and trips to australia to see the pope). but we were best friends for 6 years, and its really hard to just say "you think less of me for liking boys and girls? well then, fuck you!" but, like you said, i have to do it. im sick of having to remember to watch myself, around who(m?), and who thinks i am a tad bicourious(they thought so, i did NOT tell them that). wander - ill deffinatly be asking becky. its beyond time to teach that place a lesson. muahahahahah...
Hi there! I think it's great that your mom seems to be accepting. Although you know that you need to come out to your mom, take your time. If you feel that you are ready, try to think about a good time to tell her. If you still have some doubts or still have some odd feelings, take a step back. Remember that for some parents it can be a shock and a surprise. Therefore, you want to make sure that you are ready for it and feel comfortable. This will allow you to give her some answers to some questions that she might ask you. Similarly for your friend. When you do decide to come out to her, again make sure that you are ready. The other thing, telling this on her birthday might not be a good idea. A lot of other things will be happening on that day and I think you do want to be the one that controls the situation a bit and that her full attention is on what you have to say. You want to make sure that are no misunderstandings. Also, I would not try to put a time line on your coming out to others as it puts unnecessary pressure on you. Coming out to others should never become a race in terms of timing, because you might find yourself overwhelmed by it. Try to avoid that if you can. But (and as always) what ever you decide, do take it slow and make sure that you are ready for it.
im a procrastinator. ive been delaying it for nearly a year. im ready, but right now im prepping myself for every possibility. plus its hard to actually do. hence the procratination. its not much for her party. just some friends getting together at her bfs house, swimming, eating way too much, and goofing off. and theres always one snag at these things. and they always happen at the very end, right before the relaxing starts, which is when im planning on telling her. and she happens to have a fantastic ability to focus on one thing and not deture from that. its pretty amazing. just us, no interuptions. unlike my mother who is working most of the time, and is on call 24/7. im not makingit a race. im just sick of being closeted to so many people. you know, "o, the tangled web we weeve, when first we practice to decieve." story of my life.
I see.... I think it is really good that you are prepping yourself for every possibility. Yes, there is no question that coming out is hard. Thus, it doesn't really matter how long it takes you. It sounds to me that you are ready, I think now it is just a matter of finding the right timing. And I am sure you will find the right time whether it is coming out to your mom or to your friend. Yeah sure, if you find a good time to come out to your friend, go for it. You know her best and if you feel that she would be accepting and supportive, it can only help you to expand your support network. I didn't mean to sound harsh in terms of the time line thing. But it does happen that when we put concrete dates to our coming out, and should it not happen for whatever reason, you could be disappointed because you build yourself up to it. But everybody is different. Everybody has their own ways of doing things. If you feel that this works for you best then go for it. I wish you all the best. Let us know how everything went. Good luck!
yup. you got it right. and i didnt find it harsh. but i cant put it off any longer. ya know? im planning for it to be then, but it might not even happen then.
