Sooooooo, I'm 21 years old and have finally realized that I need to come out to my parents. The thing is, now that I've come to this realization, I am TERRIFIED!!! Today, when my dad and I were having a chat, he mentioned about me getting a boyfriend, and I swear, I was THIS close to telling him, but instead I just ended up changing my sentence and not saying anything. See, when I was 16, I was outed by a "friend" to most of my family, but I sort of lied and said it wasn't true. I was young and scared and still coming to terms with the reality that I wasn't straight. Now that I'm older and secure in my orientation, I feel horrible for keeping this from my parents. Not to mention, I'm also hitting the age where I might start dating people soon, and don't want to drop the bomb on them by just showing up with somebody. I am just so freaking scared though! It has never felt so "real" as it does now, and I keep thinking "what if they stop loving me and it ruins our relationship?". I came out to two of my sisters several years ago with no problem. My brothers and youngest sister still don't know. Another worry is how to explain my orientation to them. I consider myself bisexual/queer, and am not sure how to phrase things. I just don't care what someone is, if I like them I like them. Overall, I'm just freaking out a lot over this. I knew that eventually I'd have to do this, but it was always something I delayed in my mind. Sorry for the Wall-O-Text. I'm just a ball of nerves right now.
Hey! I completely understand you being scared, and I feel you about being worried about coming out to your family. It's literally terrifying. How did your family react when your friend outted you? If they had a good reaction, then it might not be hard to tell them again. The best way to explain things is to just sit them down and come out with it, if they don't know what bi sexual means, which some parents don't, then you should just try and explain it as clearly and plainly as possible. This is a big moment in your life, and I wish you the best of luck. Also, it might be worth coming out to each parent separately. Go for who you think would react best first, and then if it goes wrong with the other one you have some support already there for you.
Well, they didn't believe it when I was outed the first time, partially due to me. I wasn't ready to tell, so I lied my ass off. My sisters, when I told them, reacted really well, but my parents are more of the older generations mindset when it comes to queer things. Not horribly homophobic (I think). But not super okay with it either
Maybe start by writing everything you want to say to them and reading it to yourself a few times. Or practice it like you would a speech or a presentation in high school. Also write down all the questions that you think they'll ask and your answers to them. Have you told any friends yet? Maybe that might be a good practice run. Peace be with you.
@Mangotree I told 3 friends in high school (one of whom outed me), as well as two of my sisters. It's just all hitting me so hard right now. I guess I was in denial for a long time about the "severity" of my sexuality.
The thought of coming out to parents is very scary as there is often no telling how they will react. It's like talking a walk into the unknown and nobody really wants to do that, do they? It's human nature to want certainty and assurance, especially when it's something so personal to us. If you are struggling to have this conversation with your parents, do consider writing it all down in a letter. It's not a cop out! If you sit down and really think about what you want to say a letter can do the trick perfectly, especially when you are uncertain of the reaction. In conversation, you may not get the opportunity to say everything you want due to being interrupted or questioned, but a letter cannot be interrupted. As for describing your orientation, can't you just say that you have realised you are not straight? It might feel better to give your orientation a label, but for many of us it's not that simple and it can be more confusing and challenging to even try pigeon-holing ourselves like that. When it comes to telling your parents (however you decide to do it) make sure your two sisters are on standby for moral support and let us know how it goes too.
Thanks Linco. I appreciate your kind words. When I talked to said sisters today about coming out to our parents, their response was "Well, why do you have to tell them? You're not dating anyone any time soon and if you don't end up with a girl, why tell them at all?". I'm not sure how I feel about that response and it's kind of making me wonder if I should backtrack?
Hi, I imagine it's difficult for your sisters to put themselves in your shoes. Coming out is rarely about future partners. Quite possibly, they've never personally experienced supression of their self, feelings, emotions, thoughts etc... I think it's more about freedom and living your life the way that you want with a little less fear in your heart, being able to talk openly about your your experiences in the world (both good and bad). Unfortunately I can't think of anything to help you get past that fear that you're experiencing. I do know though, for me personally, I was scared of coming out for quite a long time, but there came a point where staying in the closet was more scary than coming out of it, and that's when I did it. There's kind of a threshold there (which is different for everyone). Also, maybe keep your mind open to opportunities when you're with your parents. They'll probably notice that "something is up" or "something is on your mind" and ask you about it... if they do, and in that moment you really really really want to tell them, then take a deep breath, relax and do it. Just a few more thoughts. Peace be with you.
Thanks MangoTree. I agree that my sisters don't really quite get that coming out isn't just about partners. It's about not feeling like you're living a lie and deceiving people you care about. Plus, like I mentioned before, even though I'm scared, I don't like the idea of just waiting until I meet someone and then dropping the bomb on my parents like "Woop! There it is!".
