This is the first public acknowledgement of my sexuality, and I'm seriously confused. I'm a mom, 2 kids and in a relationship. My relationship is not so great, I'm with this man for almost 8 years. Our relationship is not good, a lot of issues that most couples deal with. Money, family decisions etc, and now we struggle just to get along. In my younger years, 18-20 I have had some sexual and emotional experiences with girls. One girl in particular I was quite fond of but never dated seriously. I've been in serious relationships with men only. I have always been attracted to women, never admitted this anyone, especially my family who are very homophobic and intolerant of anyone who is different. Lately, for the last few years I've had serious doubts about my sexuality. I find my self attracted to women, sexually, emotionally and I prefer the company of women over guys. I find myself disgusted by my partner sexually, it's been gradual but I pull away from him constantly. I know some of that is due to our relationship issues but sexually I am not attracted to him at all. I feel so upset over this, and honestly don't know how to approach the issue with out being shamed, or basically ruining my life. In the past I've eluded to him maybe I could be bisexual, and at one point he "accused" me of being gay because we had not had sex in over a year. I brushed that off, and became upset about it and I still am, mostly because I'm scared it's true. We have two kids and I don't regret having them, and I love my family more than anything in life. I'm scared how this will effect them. I have such anxiety over this, daily. I have dreams about being with women, being with them sexually and emotionally. I'm constantly telling myself now, I must be bi, but really I think I'm most likely a lesbian. I am so afraid to be out casted, my partners family are homophobic at times, they stay stuff negatively and I clam up and feel ashamed. I want to keep family going and I feel guilt about how I may have deceived my current partner. I was never really clear about all of this until the last few years. I've tried to ignore it, but it's too hard now. I see a therapist but I have not mentioned this at all, mostly Because I afraid. I'm not sure what scares me more. Actually telling someone, or having to reconfigure my life, or how this May effect my children. As a parent I want to protect them, and I feel afraid that this will confuse them and hurt them, that in some way I have deceived them or their dad. I'm just really treading water. I'm hoping to get some advice from people who have either experienced this or are experiencing this now. Thanks
Welcome to EC Lots of folk on here who will identify with your issues, plenty of good advice and knowledgable chat. I can't be much help, except to say that I've been married, and have children, whilst having no real idea of anyone other than straight but unhappy me. Still only coming to terms with it. I wish you all the best, and please know that you'll find a lot of non judgemental support here, and that you've come to the right place.
You've come to the right place! The people here are super supportive and helpful. It's great to know that you're not alone. My advice is to talk to your therapist about how you're feeling. They may be able to help you work through the emotions that you're experiencing right now. Just talking about it will help you and will likely make you feel less alone especially if you already have an established relationship with your therapist. Talking to someone doesn't mean that you'll turn your life upside down. It may help you find some clarity.
