I have been reading other posts, and realize this topic has come up many times. I've been denying any possibility that I could be gay for the past 9 years, and had resigned myself to being alone the rest of my life. Only in the last 2 months did I finally begin to admit it to myself. Even then, I went back and forth a few times. Some times I think how happy I could be to share life with someone, other times I just can't believe that. I get an anxious feeling and I don't know where I want to cry or scream or what... I know this doesn't really change who I have always been--I still like working on old cars, still have the same friends I had yesterday... but I don't know what to do. 2 days ago, somehow I got it into my head that I had to come out to my parents. That made me physically sick for a while, but then I came to my senses. I know I'm not ready for that, and I will tell them if and when I decide to. But still, just the thought of that scares the hell out of me. My mother could be accepting. But my father... we're talking about an ex-marine that had a "silly faggot" t-shirt (until my mother's embarrassment led her to bleach that thing). I was feeling somewhat better since finding this forum, but this morning I took a few steps backward. I almost came out to my aunt yesterday, but didn't. She gave me one of those "you can tell me anything, it's just between us" lines. Then this morning I find she was telling her friend about what I said, when they accidentally CC'd a reply to me. That made me angry more than anything, not sure if can trust her again. Well, sorry for all my ramblings, it probably helps more than anything just to get some of this out there. Michael
ehh coming out to the parents is gonna suck. i still havent but ive been out to everyone else for 2 years now. it was easier to come out to friends. maybe try that first
Don't be sorry for your ramblings. That's what EC is for ,to get those buried thoughts out into the open where the sun can shine and beautify.
You're going through what most of us went through as well. It's totally natural, and you're totally entitled to have these feelings. Especially the hope and excitement that you have when you think about finding someone to share your life with. It really does make life a whole lot richer. Come out to your parents when you're ready. You'll know when that is. It's unfortunate that your aunt has demonstrated that she can't be trusted with the things you tell her, but at least you found out before! Consider that a blessing in disguise, and move on. Perhaps you'll want to find some support groups where you can meet other gay guys in person. Otherwise, stick around here - it's great.
I'm sorry that you no longer feel as though can trust your aunt - but from the sounds of it, I would try and work on yourself first, before you come out to others. Coming out involves a lot of strength and stamina, and you need to be able to withstand possible negative reactions if you (unfortunately) get them. I too took many years to come out to myself. I am only a little older than you, and it has taken me more than a decade to come out to myself. That feeling of panic I recognise very much. But let me tell you one thing, which many others have said to me: there is no rush. You have the rest of your life to figure it out, and as much time as you want to come out. From your post, it sounds as though you're still uncertain as to whether you think you will ever be able to have a relationship. Is this because you feel that in your position, there is nothing ahead of you but celibacy, as you cannot be gay? Therefore you must simply just be alone? Perhaps also a feeling that even if you get over this hurdle, "how do I meet other gay people"? For years and years and years I told myself that even if I was gay, I would never actually be gay. There was no way I would ever - or could ever - go out with another woman. It is only very, very recently that it has occurred to me - like a lightbulb suddely flashing above my head - that I could actually have a relationship with another woman. Self-acceptance takes time, and it sounds as though you are progressing, so I would not despair. What I would do is take life day by day. You say that you have only recently really admitted to yourself that you're gay. I have found that the more I think about this, and the more time I've spent on EC, the more comfortable I have become with this idea. You have only just come out to yourself - in fact you're still in that process - and therefore there is no rush to come out to your parents just yet, unless you feel you're ready and you really want to. To me it sounds as though you need to look at your own feelings about your sexuality, before you start wondering what other people will think. Of course, if you wish to come out to your parents now, that's absolutely fine. But if I've learnt one thing from EC, it's that when you come out to parents you should do so from a position of internal strength, rather than from a position of desperation. Or from any feeling of obligation or weakness. Come out from your strength, not your weakness - if you are not yet entirely happy with your sexuality, it makes it difficult to convince other people to be so too. If you think that your father won't react well, you should be aware that he may pick up on any doubts or discomfort you have yourself about the whole thing. I'm sorry about your experience with your aunt, but rest assured that everyone on here has been through this - and that I myself have spent just as long going through all this - and that it does get better. It gets better, and you will feel better about the whole thing - you just need to stick around I realise I've kind of rambled on a bit, and gone round in all sorts of cirlcles, but I hope you've got the essence of what I'm trying to say.
I think it is great that you have accepted it yourself. As Jim said, most of us experience these feelings and it is perfectly alright to have them. There is nothing wrong with going back and forth between your feelings. As you become more comfortable everything will become a lot clearer. The feeling of wanting to be with someone, and sharing ones life are certainly part of becoming more comfortable with yourself. You start to have thoughts that you perhaps did not allow yourself to have before. It will need some time getting used to. Absolutely, you have not changed and nor will you. You will still like and do the things that you have always done but there is also now this 'new' part that wants to have your attention. Whenever you have feelings that contradict some of your thoughts try to ask yourself why is it that I have these thoughts? Try to explore them. In that way, not only will you be able to get to know yourself better but you will also be able to become a bit more comfortable about yourself. Take your time with coming out to your family. It is an important and difficult step to take but with time and as you become more confident it will become a bit easier. It is definitely helpful to have some positive clues about your mom for example and it will help you to get ready for it. What I would suggest though (and seeing from your side information that you haven't come out yet) start coming out to your friends before coming out to your family. Coming out to your friends that you trust and know will accept and support you will allow you to build up some confidence. With every coming out, you will become more securer about yourself. Coming out to your friends first will allow you to build up a support network on which you can rely on for support. Your support network can consist of EC, friends, GLBT groups, counselors, or anyone else who you think could be supportive. It can be very helpful to you in the long run. Jim mentioned joining a group where you could meet some other gay guys. I think it is an excellent idea. Joining a GLBT group can also help you in understanding yourself and your surroundings better. Given that you have accepted your sexual identity only two months ago, there are probably still a lot of unanswered questions that you have and it is important that you talk about them with others. Listening also to others about their experiences can be helpful. Also, EC is here as well. Feel free to post any questions or fears that you have and all of us will try to help you to understand it better. Taking steps backward is okay. As Jim mentioned, it is unfortunate what happened with your aunt. Sorry about that. But in some ways it is actually something positive because it allowed you to see that maybe you have to be a bit careful with coming out to your family and relatives. When you come out to others, including family, you do want to have the feeling that you can trust them. Take your time though. Take it one day at a time. As you go through your coming out journey you will have all kinds of feelings and thoughts. Try to understand them and talk about them. I hope this helps!
Thank you all, this has really helped me a lot. Now that I have had some time to think about it, I'm sure my aunt was not acting in malice. I'd bet that I just shocked her with my question. I asked her if she ever suspected I might be gay, and she replied with a resounding "no." I thought she might, being that I've never gone out with anyone, and a few years ago people in my family stopped asking me if I had a girlfriend. I wouldn't mind joining a GLBT group, I can see how that would be a big help. I'm not sure I can get over the fear of someone finding out. One problem is that I am still living at home, have another year of grad school. I've been such a recluse these past 5 years, if I started going someplace outside of school my parents would certainly notice. ccdd, I don't think the issue is celibacy, but rather being open enough to have a relationship with someone. I know I won't walk into the auto parts store waving a rainbow flag, but I can't imagine myself going out with someone in public. Meeting people is definitely something I have thought about as well, although I know I can worry about that later, I'm not rushing things.
All I can say is...hang in there. I've been going through exactly what you've been going through over the last few months...but I've some more 'age' under my belt as I'm 37. I also have a family so my situation is somewhat (egad!!!) more complicated but no more confusing than what you're going through. I agonized over telling someone...anyone that knew me, and I finally came out to my sister-in-law a few weeks back. She was quite supportive and gave me some advice and reassurance on how to handle things. I've since (4 days ago (again egad!!!) told my wife and we're working through things. You'll know when the time is right. Sometimes it's almost like..."OK...plug your nose...tuck your knees to your chest and take the jump...and hope you come back up for air." Which, you will. So again, hang in there. I've found everyone on this site very supportive so take consolation in that. Good Luck!!!
I know it's been said so many times before, but I can't believe just how much being here on EC has helped me. Reading other posts, it's like everyone here is sharing the exact same thoughts. Last night was the first time in a long time I went to sleep happy. Today I feel like I have a completely new perspective on things. I even got a laugh out of the incident with my aunt... I realized I probably shocked her into more gray hair! :icon_bigg In fact, I don't even care if she knows, which she probably does at this point. I do think I should get out and find GLBT group. I would like to meet some people in real life. The hell with what my parents might ask... I don't think a white lie would be inappropriate, if they ask I could just tell them I joined an engineering group at school.
I am happy for you that you feel better and have gained a different perspective. I think, joining a GLBT group is going to help. Talking to someone about your experience and fears will help you to understand yourself even better. Often we have to hear ourselves out loud to make sense of it all.
I'm glad too. Yes - it's not as unusual as you might think. And you don't have to be as secretive about things as you think either. Your parents aren't going to think you've joined a cult if you're out once in a while... Good luck!
I understand how you feel. I think we are in very similar shoes. I am 23 years old, soon to be 24, and I am still not out to my parents. But I am out to my closest friends, and let me tell you how much better it has been since I came out to them. We have been closer, done more things together. Like just this evening we went out for dinner, and there was a cute guy in the car next to me... and my friend joked that "what do you have the hots for him or something" and I just said "hell yeah." We joke around about stuff all the time. I know that it makes it more fun for us to be around each other, and in due time, it will help me have the confidence to come out to my parents. I think the general consensus on this board is right - try soliciting a trust circle involving your closest friends. Once you feel confident about yourself, you will feel more confident about sharing your true self with your parents. Best wishes, and let us know how it goes.
